What do you do with a sister planning a family affair followed by a catered buffet, and she needs to know if I’ll be attending - although my wife just gave birth where the baby must stay at the hospital for an undetermined length of time. She needs to give the caterer a final count in a few days, and I can’t guarantee anything. Neither will Mother Nature guarantee a winter storm (or winter sickness) won’t preclude some out-of-town guests from attending.
The event is a month away, but it wouldn’t cost her much per plate if a small percent can’t make it due to extenutating circumstances. (Besides, she gets to keep the leftovers.) I presented my argument in the above light, and I left it in her hands whether or not I should come. But, she dodged the issue. Blood may be thicker than water, but money is thicker than blood. (We estimate we’re ~2% of the total cost for two of us.)
Some might say to “boycott” the affair, but there will be relatives I don’t see too often. So, I could offer to pay her every last cent if I don’t show. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would encourage her to come without getting so petty…just like any guest with extenuating circumstances in the winter. Also, please be aware this would not be a financial hardship on her.
What do you think? And, if you agree she’s being petty, how would you handle this? - Jinx
RSVP in the positive and if you have to cancel because of health issues or weather let her know as early as possible. You’re not responsible if your newborn has to stay in the hospital, nor are you responsible if weather prevents you from attending.
You are not under any obligation to repay her for the cost of food if you are unable to attend. Nor do you have any need to present her with an “argument” in support of your position. Her cost-per-plate is irrelevant.
Well, I had a nice comment, and the hamsters ate it. I’ll try again.
I don’t think she’s being either petty or cheap. Any time you host a gathering you need to know how many to expect. If everyone refused to commit, how would she know how many meals to order?
As Otto said, just tell her you intend to be there, and if something prevents you from attending, give her as much notice as you can. No-shows happen.
The idea that she can keep the leftovers is not the issue. A good deal of the leftovers will probably be unusable anyway. Salad and other vegetables wilt. Hot food that’s been picked over and sitting on a buffet table for hours may not be that appetizing, or safe, either.
Sis could estimate how many of her guests will “come unless they have very good reasons not to”. Then she could cut a deal with the caterer. If, for instance, 80 guests are guaranteed and 15 are unsure, you cater to 90 people, and hope that the ones coming and not coming will balance each other out.
That’s how flight reservations do it. They keep the number of unused seats as low as possible, and the occasional overbookign is the result.
If the remaining five unexpectently show up, they can either eat along on impromptu place settings (there will be plenty of food anyway, with 90 guests) or the caterer can set some extra plates and charge a little extra.
I don’t think Sis is a cheapskate. These feasts are just relly, really expensive.
Best would be if everybody would be more gracious about it. Guests who want to attend should rsvp as soon as they can; Sis shouldn’t press you to a yay or nay, carved in stone, when you obviously can’t give her one for very good reasons; and guests who couldn’t give a yar of nay can be gracious in accepting improvised solutions if they decide to attend after all.
I’d tell her that you won’t be there for the meal but will try to show up for the after-dinner portion. That way, you get to see relatives and she doesn’t have to pay.
If she has invited a hundred people, probably 90 of them have not RSVP’d. She’s simply trying to nail down some numbers, and is not being petty at all.
In general, I agree she needs a total count, and she needs a final figure ASAP (at this point). Maybe I’ve given you a different picture, but all responses had to be in by now. She needs to give the caterer a final figure by Monday. Still, the odds are high a small percent who thought they could attend may have to reverse that decision based on circumstances beyond their control…come a month from now.
The pettiness is that she can push me around, being her brother. But, she wouldn’t dare treat other relations like this…if they must cancel at the last minute.
I don’t really see her pushing you around - she wants an answer, and you are perfectly capable of giving her one - yes, you are planning to come, or no, you aren’t. As for how family treat each other, are you the perfect brother to her? Have you thanked her for her efforts in putting this affair together?
Maybe your sister is being a petty, bossy, witch. I don’t know her, you do.
But consider this possibility – she’s not necessarily trying to pin you down in predicting the future 30 days hence, but you are to some extent reading that into it. You mention the possibility of a storm or sickness preventing your attending. Nobody declines an invitation like this because one of those things might happen a month from now. I sense that you’re overreacting to the notion of “final count,” taking it personally as a commitment of utmost importance. Perhaps the nature and history of your relationship with this sister is affecting your perception.
If she raised the subject of cost for no-shows, it’s possible she was just verbalizing some of the stress involved to a brother with whom she feels comfortable doing so. What feels to you like being pushed around may not be her trying to push you around, rather her feeling she can be more frank with you than with Aunt Hilda. Family relationships often have the occasional raw nerve and emotional hot button, and I think sometimes it can be easy to misconstrue someone’s intent.
If you seriously intend to be there, respond in the affirmative. I would venture that’s all she expects from you or anyone else.