How to cope with my six-week-old who won't let me put her down - EVER

[April_R]

@Stoid

I wish I could find it, but I recently saw a fantastic co-sleep baby bed. Same height as the adult bed, completely enclosed on three sides, the fourth side open. Designed to securely align / attach to the adult bed (I think by some part that fits under the adult mattress) The baby is directly next to you, yet safely “apart”, if you can picture it.

We had one for the twins. Gave it away right before we found out we were pregnant with this one :smack:
Arm’s Reach Co-sleeper bed
Video on how it looks attached to the bed YouTube

[Stoid]

Yeah, that’s the ticket!

[eclectic_wench]

Our second kid is two weeks older than yours and is OK with being put down at night, but not so much for naps during the day. My advice, for what it’s worth:

• sling sling sling

• babies *need *contact and cuddles, the same way they need food. Don’t let anyone try to tell you that she’ll never become independent or blah blah blah. I promise, cuddling her now will not stop her from ever moving out or getting a job.

• They develop really, really, really fast at that age. Something that’s the end of the world one week might be completely fine the next. When our first was two months old, she absolutely refused to be put down for naps, and I was kind of freaked out…and then a couple of weeks later, overnight, she was suddenly fine with it. She just grew out of needing to be held during naps. From an eight-week-old’s perspective, September is a long, long way away. A lot of growing is going to get done before then. There’s no reason to think she’ll still need constant contact.

[raspberry_hunter]

@OldnCrinkly

1.dishes-do yourself a favor next time you’re at the grocery and buy paper plates, bowls, plastic cups, and plastic silverware they will make your life easier. In fact, that is my standard gift for new moms, with a variety of disposble wipes (bathroom cleaning, dusting, glass cleaning). Pitch it in the trash, call it clean, and smile

This is a really good idea. takes notes

2.laundry-bras in particular- really? people wear them at home? on purpose? eh, no one’s gonna die from reusing a towel or wearing a piece of clothes again

Well, if you were as, er, drippy as I was, you’d wear bras all the time too, or else you’d have drippy clothes (which, same laundry problem if all your shirts are sopping wet) or drippy floor. And in my house, drippy floor invites ANTS. So… yeah, laundry.

(Everyone told me I would stop spurting milk everywhere after a while, and I did – but it took months, far longer than I was led to believe.)

[WhyNot]

@OldnCrinkly

2.laundry-bras in particular- really? people wear them at home? on purpose? eh, no one’s gonna die from reusing a towel or wearing a piece of clothes again

Heh. I was a 38I when I was nursing (and for quite some time afterwards). Yes…I. Special ordered off the internet.

Even today when I’m finally down to a mere 38DDD (or F), I cannot be without a bra for long. Otherwise things get really funkalicious south of the sisters. Prickly heat and yeast infections under the boobs is…not fun.

[Stoid]

Studies of hunter-gatherer tribes child-rearing make it pretty clear that we’re really no different than your average chimp or gorilla… hangin’ on to mom is where it’s at.

It’s really very interesting… the article runs five pages, these are some compelling excerpts:

Studies of modern hunter-gatherers show that an infant is held almost constantly throughout the day, either by the mother or by someone else. When the mother is walking, the infant is held in carrying devices, such as the slings of the !Kung, string bags in New Guinea, and cradle boards in the north temperate zones. Most hunter-gatherers, especially in mild climates, have constant skin-to-skin contact between the infant and its caregiver. In every known society of human hunter-gatherers and of higher primates, mother and infant sleep immediately nearby, usually in the same bed or on the same mat. A cross-cultural sample of 90 traditional human societies identified not a single one with mother and infant sleeping in separate rooms: that current Western practice is a recent invention responsible for the struggles at putting kids to bed that torment modern Western parents.

Even when not sleeping, !Kung infants spend their first year of life in skin-to-skin contact with the mother or another caregiver for 90 percent of the time. A !Kung child begins to separate more frequently from its mother after the age of 1 ½, but those separations are initiated almost entirely by the child itself, in order to play with other children. The daily contact time between the !Kung child and caregivers other than the mother exceeds contact time (including contact with the mother) for modern Western children.

One of the commonest Western devices for transporting a child is the stroller, which provides no physical contact between the baby and the caregiver. In many strollers, the infant is nearly horizontal, and sometimes facing backward. Hence the infant does not see the world as its caregiver sees the world. In recent decades in the United States, devices for transporting children in a upright position have been more common, such as baby carriers, backpacks, and chest pouches, but many of those devices have the child facing backward. In contrast, traditional carrying devices, such as slings or holding a child on one’s shoulders, usually place the child vertically upright, facing forward, and seeing the same world that the caregiver sees.** The constant contact even when the caretaker is walking, the constant sharing of the caregiver’s field of view, and transport in the vertical position may contribute to !Kung infants being advanced (compared to American infants) in some aspects of their neuromotor development.**

Observers of children in hunter-gatherer societies commonly report that, if an infant begins crying, the parents’ practice is to respond immediately. For example, if an Efe Pygmy infant starts to fuss, the mother or some other caregiver tries to comfort the infant within 10 seconds. If a !Kung infant cries, 88 percent of crying bouts receive a response within 3 seconds, and almost all bouts receive a response within 10 seconds. Mothers respond to !Kung infants by nursing them, but many responses are by nonmothers (especially other adult women), who react by touching or holding the infant. The result is that !Kung infants spend at most one minute out of each hour crying, mainly in crying bouts of less than 10 seconds—half that measured for Dutch infants. Many other studies show that 1-year-old infants whose crying is ignored end up spending more time crying than do infants whose crying receives a response.

Other Westerners and I are struck by the emotional security, self-confidence, curiosity, and autonomy of members of small-scale societies, not only as adults but already as children. …We are struck by the precocious development of social skills in their children. These are qualities that most of us admire, and would like to see in our own children, but we discourage development of those qualities by ranking and grading our children and constantly telling them what to do. The adolescent identity crises that plague American teenagers aren’t an issue for hunter-gatherer children. The Westerners who have lived with hunter-gatherers and other small-scale societies speculate that these admirable qualities develop because of the way in which their children are brought up: namely, with constant security and stimulation, as a result of the long nursing period, sleeping near parents for several years, far more social models available to children through allo-parenting, far more social stimulation through constant physical contact and proximity of caretakers, instant caretaker responses to a child’s crying, and the minimal amount of physical punishment.

But on the other hand… some practices would give Western parents nightmares:

Young children were considered to have responsibility for their own actions, and were allowed to do pretty much as they pleased. For example, if a baby was playing next to a fire, adults did not intervene. As a result, many adults in that society had burn scars, which were legacies of their behavior as infants.

the laissez-faire style of Enu’s adoptive society is not unusual by the standards of the world’s hunter-gatherer societies, many of which consider young children to be autonomous individuals whose desires should not be thwarted, and who are allowed to play with dangerous objects such as sharp knives, hot pots, and fires

[TokyoBayer]

Welcome to hell!

OK, it’s not quite that bad, but I (barely) remember the first couple of months of having a baby were quite an adjustment. Some of our friends are just going through this and they report the amount of advice is overwhelming. It’s hard enough get used to it all, and you get everyone who knows exactly what you are doing wrong. They had kids, too, so they’re the experts.

Some comments as a father. (Which worked for me, or didn’t, any my kids and I am different, so YMMV/)

If the father isn’t doing so already, I always recommend the father learn how to sooth the baby as well. I read about this before ours were born, but so often when babies are new, and they won’t stop crying, the father gives the baby back to the mother. The baby learns she can’t really settle down unless she’s with mommy. Unless the she’s hungry, then have the father hold her until she’s happy or asleep. The baby needs to get used to the father’s way of holding and soothing her as well.

We slept in different rooms so that I could get my sleep during my turn. I had the early shift. I’d carry them around the neighborhood in a sling, sometimes for an hour or two either walking or on a bicycle. For one phase when TokyoBoy was 8 months or so, he’d wake up consistently at 5 am. Crying it out didn’t help but I riding around the park with him in a sling did.

People often say the second one is easier, and for us it was. Not just that we got lucky and he was less fussy, or that we had developed a larger set of methods of dealing with kids, but that we had learned by then that babies cry and it’s not the end of the world.

Also remember that you are under a lot of stress and that it’s natural that there will be more fights. It happens to everyone. Don’t worry.

Oh, and that kind grandmother type who walks up to you in the supermarket and lectures you and says you have to enjoy every precious moment of your new baby because they grow up so fast?

Slap her for me. She’s got selective memory.

[DoperChic]

I knew I’d get a few replies, but I’m truly stunned by the responses. Thank you all for your advice and support. It means more than you could ever know.

Now to address some of your posts…

@Tracijo67

I carried Jegan around in a Snugli until he was 5-6 months old.

snip

Well it took all day to get done one load of laundry. And it’s still sitting in the drier in the basement. So I haven’t tried the Moby Wrap yet. But that’s the plan for tomorrow.

Several of you have mentioned that DB may be cold. So she is now back in a one-piece bodysuit, much warmer than the onsie and pants combo she had be wearing.

@Tracijo67

Excellent final points. I meant to add, there were times of extreme frustration for me. When I knew I just had to have a break, not only for my sanity but for my son’s continued well-being. People do not talk much about how utter exhaustion and sacrificing your every desire, day in and day out, and listening to your baby scream and cry inconsolably despite your best efforts can make you craaaaaazy. There were days when I’d wonder if I was cut out for motherhood. Days when I would have given anything for the chance to just simply stroll into a coffee shop with a good book and hours to kill (and would feel immensely selfish and ungrateful for entertaining the thought). If I could go back 6 1/2 years and confront my slightly younger and vastly more ignorant self… I would tell me to not be so hard on me ;). You aren’t going to love your little wailing bundle 24/7. Whatever you can do to preserve your sanity and keep your daughter safe..good on you. Even if that means sometimes swaddling her, laying her gently into bassinet or crib, closing the door (and several other doors to muffle the sound and playing some music while you’re at it) and slipping into a warm bath for a luxurious 15-20 minutes. She may still be wailing when you return to her (or you may be lucky and she wailed herself to sleep) but that measure of self presevation was good for you and hence, good for her too. I was so super freaky about doing everything “right” with Jegan - and blamed myself when I couldn’t fix what was wrong on his really bad days - I was needlessly hard on myself and lost out on some of the early, simple enjoyment of living in the good moments with my son.

Some of the more experienced moms here probably read my 24/7 account and cringed… Not for my indulged little guy, but for me, knowing by experience how difficult it can be to so thoroughly subjudicate one’s own needs. That is part and parcel of being parents to an infant, but in isolation, with limited help, it can also be the very recipe for disaster. Be sure to carve out some moments for yourself. It will make you a more patient and loving parent to your daughter.

Oh, I hear you on all points. This is my second child (I have an almost 6 year old daughter as well). I thought for sure I’d be calmer with this one and that it would be easier. Turns out I’m much calmer and more sure of myself this time around but things are by no means easier. Now I sometimes have two crying children. Ugh.

@Shakes

My son wasn’t quite as bad as yours. He’d wake up in the middle of the night as soon as he realized he wasn’t in bed with Mommy.

So I took one of his Mom’s worn shirts and laid him on top of that in the crib. Mom’s exact words were “That’s not goona work, he’s not a dog.”

Well, guess who slept through the night that evening?

Great idea. I’ll try this tonight and report back.

@Charley

snip

You have time to find a way to live together, and for her, with your help, to work out a way to manage this whole life business. Don’t let anyone pressure you into anxiety about this.

snip

That’s how I feel already. Sure, I’m worried about September looming overhead. But it’s more than 2 months away, plenty of time to get adjusted. Babies change so quickly as many of you have noted.

@Troppus

Doperchic, when it’s time for daycare, share the story of your little one’s entry into the world and explain that you had/have trouble keeping her settled and comfortable. If she’s still needy and you’re worried about the transition to strangers and less frequent touching, tell them. A little bit of empathy can go a long way.

Also, my one year old never took a pacifier or sucked her thumb, and she’s still waking up demanding comfort-nursing three times each night. I’m having a terrible time breaking her of the habit, rough time weaning and I feel like taking a pacifier away would have been easier. Pretty sure most people wouldn’t encourage dependence on a pacifier, but I sure wish my girl had another option besides chewing on me for comfort.

DB happily took a pacifier for the first couple weeks. But with all the formula supplementation we started having a lot of trouble nursing. At my wits end, I banned the paci and banned all bottles once I got the go ahead from the pediatrician. The plan was to re-introduce the paci once nursing was better established. DB laughed at that plan and now refuses the paci altogether. I am her paci. We have some marathon nursing sessions where it’s clear that she now considers me to be her replacement paci. Oh well.

[DoperChic]

@stui_magpie

I’m a bloke so I’ll give no comment on how to deal with the child.

What i will advise is to cut yourself some slack with the housework. The kids going to get older and cleaning aint gonna get any easier.

So my suggestion to help you stay sane is prioritise. No one’s going to die if the dishes sit there for a day or 2 or if you don’t do washing every day. It might feel very uncomfortable to let things slide but living with a baby isn’t like living without one, as you’re finding out.

Focus on what’s important, prioritise what needs to be done as opposed to what you would normally like to do, and work through the situation. Basically do what you can to keep your nostrils above the waterline until the waterline starts to recede.

Thing is, I can only prioritize so much before everything goes to hell in a handbasket. I only have so much clothing and so many dishes/cups/knives, etc. We have to keep up with it or it just gets out of hand really quickly. I also have the added stress of my in laws complaining about every little thing when they come over and random visitors coming to meet the baby. To me, the stress of leaving things go is worse than the stress of just getting it cleaned up.

@Drain_Bead

The Miracle Blanket is a godsend, seriously. Best swaddle ever.

Never heard of this but I will certainly check it out. Thanks!

@Dinsdale

I’m honestly curious, what is the basis for this perception, and the OP’s opinion that 6 wks is “too young and downright cruel”? It has been 23 yrs since I’ve had a 6 wk old. What age IS old enough for them to cry it out?

My suspicion is that very young infants are more aware and capable than many folk give them credit for. I honestly do not know if 6 wks is too young. But I suspect that even newborns in ICU do not get held every time they fuss or cry.

I can only speak to my experience with 4 days spent in the NICU with my daughter but based on that I can say that babies certainly are picked up just because they are crying. If the nurse in charge couldn’t get to a crying baby another would step in and help. It was a very sweet and reassuring thing to see. This is not to say that every little cry got tended to immediately but full out crying definitely got some attention whenever possible.

@emmaliminal

Good advice above – ditto especially overlyverbose, not so much **AnaMen **who I think is thinking of older babies – here to add this: Everything Will Change All the Time. There is practically nothing about your baby’s behavior now that you can count on being relevant to September; not much that you like, not much that you don’t like. Especially because she was early and small, she will just be a whole different kid by then. Things that work to soothe her now might not work any more, things that don’t work now or that you’ve never thought of and wouldn’t believe will work instead, her sleep patterns and preferences could be all over the map between now and then and will continue to change without warning until she’s a toddler and then every once in a while after that. Nobody told me this!

Dopers as a class are keen on figuring things out, solving things, but a baby is a game of Calvinball, especially when it comes to soothing and sleeping. That said, *The Happiest Baby on the Block * (Dr. Karp) helped us the most at this stage, especially the tight swaddling and loud shushing.

For a while when he was about 6 weeks old, my son would only quiet down if I bounced on my toes holding him football-style while singing something fast like the Kitty Cat Dance song. And he had his pacifier plugged in. Proof.

Great advice! I have the book you refer to and will read it as soon as I get some free time. Your video is so sweet. Love it!

[DoperChic]

@Alice_The_Goon

Any time you pose these kinds of questions to a message board, you get this bickering- “let the kid cry, it’s good for 'em!” “hold the precious thing 24/7- she needs you!” “don’t co-sleep!” “always co-sleep!” blah blah blah

I found that what really helped me was to schedule an appointment with my baby’s pediatrician, to specifically talk about these issues. That’s what they’re there for, that’s what they’ve trained for, that’s what you pay them for. And yes, my pediatrician was far more towards the “train them from the beginning to be more independent than dependent on you for things like falling to sleep, self-comforting, etc” but yours may have different ideas that will help you and your family. With much less differing of styles and bickering than is found on the SDMB.

I have spoken to a couple different pediatricians and they generally agree with what’s been suggested here. I just have to get through this time as it will pass.

@Dinsdale

snip

It is hard to get my head around an infant not being willing to sleep while not being held. At some point she HAS to sleep, no? How long does she sleep at a time? When you lie down next to her and she goes to sleep, why are you unable to get up and do what needs to be done?

Best of luck.

She certainly sleeps. Sleeps pretty well in fact. It’s just that most of her sleep occurs in my or my husband’s arms during the day and next to me in my bed at night. About once a day/every two days she will sleep in her swing. So when I say that I lay down next to her that’s only at night when I most definitely need to be sleeping too. This mama is exhausted by that point.

@rhubarbarin

Didn’t read the whole thread, but I just wanted to say congrats, best wishes and good luck! Hope she continues to grow healthy and that you are able to get more rest.

6 weeks I’d definitely too young for CIO/sleep training but I agree that letting her cry for a bit while you get things done is not the end of the world.

If you’re nervous about bed sharing, have you heard of the ‘sidecar’ method? It’s safer (since babby sleeps on outside of the bed with a railing) and gives you more space/ability to get comfy in your own bed.

Thank you! I haven’t heard of the sidecar method but I have ordered an Arms Reach Cosleeper that attaches to my bed. Another doper recommended this as well. I used one with my older daughter when she started getting too used to my bed. That helped immensely back then. I’m hoping for similar results this time around too.

@OldnCrinkly

Please please read this thread in about a year, just after you see someone with a teeny tiny brand new baby and say something like, Oh I miss those days! I bet a bazillion dollars you will. Crazy, but true.

Oh I know that line of thinking all too well. That’s what got me baby number two, right?

Hubby will be getting snipped this summer to help keep any delusional thinking about a number 3 from getting the best of me.

[DoperChic]

@boozilu

A couple of thoughts:

• Remember that this will eventually pass, so don’t worry about housework and the like.
• Don’t rush to pick up the baby right away. Whenever my first would make even a small sound I would pick her up right away. Turns out I was interrupting her sleep which made everything worse!
• Remember that this will eventually pass!

“This will pass eventually” has become a mantra of sorts for me lately. I got over the whole picking her up at every peep with my first, thankfully. It’s the wailing that gets to me now.

@Rick

About 4 weeks old as I recall.
With our 2nd we did it from night one. Same result.

I’d like to keep this thread civil so I’m going to refrain from replying to this post. If you’d like to discuss this further, please feel free to start another thread.

@Quercus

MY $.02 – Don’t freak about about her sleeping in your bed. Assuming you’re not going to bed drunk with a cigarette in your hand, it’s really not dangerous. Google co-sleeping if you want more reassurance. But don’t let worrying about it add to your stress.

I googled the heck out of co-sleeping before actually going through with it. So I’m following every safety suggestion possible. In fact, I even went out and bought a much needed new mattress today since my current one has seen better days and is pretty saggy in the middle. We’ve been sleeping sideways to avoid the divot.

@madsircool

As a man, this thread is so educational. Thanks to all Mothers…your job is far harder than I imagined.

You’re welcome.

@delphica

Yes to this! I would get very frustrated when people would say things like “let the laundry and dishes go!” If a mother was worried what other people thought of the condition of the house, then sure, remind them that other people can mind their own business. But I get stressed out when I’m digging around for clean underwear, or knocking over dirty dishes because they’re covering every surface of the kitchen. I wanted a clean house for my own sanity, not for keeping up with the neighbors.

This. A million times this! Plus I’m really stressed out by outsiders coming in to see my house in a messy state. So I get stressed from both ends - from myself and those coming to visit.

@OldnCrinkly

You are entirely correct, of course. I would say three things to you

1.dishes-do yourself a favor next time you’re at the grocery and buy paper plates, bowls, plastic cups, and plastic silverware they will make your life easier. In fact, that is my standard gift for new moms, with a variety of disposble wipes (bathroom cleaning, dusting, glass cleaning). Pitch it in the trash, call it clean, and smile

2.laundry-bras in particular- really? people wear them at home? on purpose? eh, no one’s gonna die from reusing a towel or wearing a piece of clothes again

3.and thats what fathers are for. I think it may be hard to find a relationship with more “traditional” gender roles than my husband and I in many ways. He works long hours at a physically demanding job six days a week, but when we have a needy or sick baby, or I get otherwise overwhelmed with kid stuff (as often happens with 6 of them) he is capable and willing to throw a load of laundry in or whatever else needs done. Without exception, he does not do things to MY liking, but I like that it is done all the same. I will say that I usually have to ask, as he genuinely does not know when I want help. cooperation is a 2 way street

1. Great idea. I need to just get over myself and buy disposable kitchen stuff.

2. I go out enough and have visitors often enough that I wear bras daily. Not to sleep in but certainly during the day. These DDs need support.

3. My husband is great at pitching in when he can but there’s just too much for him to do alone especially when you factor in all the typical man stuff he does ordinarily like taking out the trash and mowing the lawn.

@Unauthorized_Cinnamon

Hang in there. You’re in the bootcamp phase of parenting. Try to recruit other people to do some chores for you (“Thanks for offering to hold the baby, but the best thing you could do is run a load of laundry and put it away for me!”). Do not take this to mean “it’s easy, it should come naturally,” but it is normal for a baby to be like this. I know our culture says they should sit quietly in a swing or bouncy seat, but lots of babies don’t tolerate that. At all. And that is perfectly normal. You are not doing something wrong because your baby advocates for her need to be held.

That said, you do need to attend to your own sanity. James McKenna has some great information on safer bed sharing. I don’t think you need to have your mattress on the floor and invest in squared-off pillows necessarily, but things like a firm mattress, few, light bedclothes, keeping baby away from pillows and sleepers other than mom, and of course no impairing substances or smoking, can make it perfectly reasonable. All those studies that proclaim bed sharing unsafe include people who are drunk, sleeping with a baby on a couch, using a heavy duvet, letting a sibling sleep next to baby, and so on.

I’m not aware of any reputable professional who advocates sleep training for babies before about 4-6 months old. New babies have constant physical needs, not just for feeding, but actually for contact with another human and help regulating temperature, sleep, and emotions. I personally also don’t see why you need to try to “train” your baby to accept daycare conditions before daycare starts. You really can’t train new babies to have new skills. You wait for them to mature and they develop new skills. To the extent that making her wait to be held will get her used to not being held, that can happen at daycare, right?

Over the next month or two, you will feel at the end of your rope. You’ll feel like you’re the only person on planet Earth who’s awake at 3am. You’ll feel desperate and fatigued. If you can, seek out other new parents who will commiserate. Try to hang on and survive the present moment, and know intellectually (if not at a gut-level) that it will get better and you can get through it. And don’t let people tell you “enjoy every minute!” Screw them. Not every minute is enjoyable, even if it’s all worth it.

I love the bootcamp analogy. Very appropriate. I’ve started telling my daughter how happy I am that she is awake and that I get to spend time with her when she wakes up at night. Forcing myself to say it even when I would much rather be passed out somehow makes it a little easier to cope with. And I find myself slowly starting to believe it.

@Stoid

I wish I could find it, but I recently saw a fantastic co-sleep baby bed. Same height as the adult bed, completely enclosed on three sides, the fourth side open. Designed to securely align / attach to the adult bed (I think by some part that fits under the adult mattress) The baby is directly next to you, yet safely “apart”, if you can picture it.

Already ordered and on its way!

@raspberry_hunter

This is a really good idea. takes notes
Well, if you were as, er, drippy as I was, you’d wear bras all the time too, or else you’d have drippy clothes (which, same laundry problem if all your shirts are sopping wet) or drippy floor. And in my house, drippy floor invites ANTS. So… yeah, laundry.

(Everyone told me I would stop spurting milk everywhere after a while, and I did – but it took months, far longer than I was led to believe.)

Thankfully I’m not leaky. I did manage to spray my daughter in face once when I was trying to help her latch. Poor thing was not happy but I laughed my ass off.

[DoperChic]

@boozilu

A couple of thoughts:

• Remember that this will eventually pass, so don’t worry about housework and the like.
• Don’t rush to pick up the baby right away. Whenever my first would make even a small sound I would pick her up right away. Turns out I was interrupting her sleep which made everything worse!
• Remember that this will eventually pass!

“This will pass eventually” has become a mantra of sorts for me lately. I got over the whole picking her up at every peep with my first, thankfully. It’s the wailing that gets to me now.

@Rick

About 4 weeks old as I recall.
With our 2nd we did it from night one. Same result.

I’d like to keep this thread civil so I’m going to refrain from replying to this post. If you’d like to discuss this further, please feel free to start another thread.

@Quercus

MY $.02 – Don’t freak about about her sleeping in your bed. Assuming you’re not going to bed drunk with a cigarette in your hand, it’s really not dangerous. Google co-sleeping if you want more reassurance. But don’t let worrying about it add to your stress.

I googled the heck out of co-sleeping before actually going through with it. So I’m following every safety suggestion possible. In fact, I even went out and bought a much needed new mattress today since my current one has seen better days and is pretty saggy in the middle. We’ve been sleeping sideways to avoid the divot.

@madsircool

As a man, this thread is so educational. Thanks to all Mothers…your job is far harder than I imagined.

You’re welcome.

@delphica

Yes to this! I would get very frustrated when people would say things like “let the laundry and dishes go!” If a mother was worried what other people thought of the condition of the house, then sure, remind them that other people can mind their own business. But I get stressed out when I’m digging around for clean underwear, or knocking over dirty dishes because they’re covering every surface of the kitchen. I wanted a clean house for my own sanity, not for keeping up with the neighbors.

This. A million times this! Plus I’m really stressed out by outsiders coming in to see my house in a messy state. So I get stressed from both ends - from myself and those coming to visit.

@OldnCrinkly

You are entirely correct, of course. I would say three things to you

1.dishes-do yourself a favor next time you’re at the grocery and buy paper plates, bowls, plastic cups, and plastic silverware they will make your life easier. In fact, that is my standard gift for new moms, with a variety of disposble wipes (bathroom cleaning, dusting, glass cleaning). Pitch it in the trash, call it clean, and smile

2.laundry-bras in particular- really? people wear them at home? on purpose? eh, no one’s gonna die from reusing a towel or wearing a piece of clothes again

3.and thats what fathers are for. I think it may be hard to find a relationship with more “traditional” gender roles than my husband and I in many ways. He works long hours at a physically demanding job six days a week, but when we have a needy or sick baby, or I get otherwise overwhelmed with kid stuff (as often happens with 6 of them) he is capable and willing to throw a load of laundry in or whatever else needs done. Without exception, he does not do things to MY liking, but I like that it is done all the same. I will say that I usually have to ask, as he genuinely does not know when I want help. cooperation is a 2 way street

1. Great idea. I need to just get over myself and buy disposable kitchen stuff.

2. I go out enough and have visitors often enough that I wear bras daily. Not to sleep in but certainly during the day. These DDs need support.

3. My husband is great at pitching in when he can but there’s just too much for him to do alone especially when you factor in all the typical man stuff he does ordinarily like taking out the trash and mowing the lawn.

@Unauthorized_Cinnamon

Hang in there. You’re in the bootcamp phase of parenting. Try to recruit other people to do some chores for you (“Thanks for offering to hold the baby, but the best thing you could do is run a load of laundry and put it away for me!”). Do not take this to mean “it’s easy, it should come naturally,” but it is normal for a baby to be like this. I know our culture says they should sit quietly in a swing or bouncy seat, but lots of babies don’t tolerate that. At all. And that is perfectly normal. You are not doing something wrong because your baby advocates for her need to be held.

That said, you do need to attend to your own sanity. James McKenna has some great information on safer bed sharing. I don’t think you need to have your mattress on the floor and invest in squared-off pillows necessarily, but things like a firm mattress, few, light bedclothes, keeping baby away from pillows and sleepers other than mom, and of course no impairing substances or smoking, can make it perfectly reasonable. All those studies that proclaim bed sharing unsafe include people who are drunk, sleeping with a baby on a couch, using a heavy duvet, letting a sibling sleep next to baby, and so on.

I’m not aware of any reputable professional who advocates sleep training for babies before about 4-6 months old. New babies have constant physical needs, not just for feeding, but actually for contact with another human and help regulating temperature, sleep, and emotions. I personally also don’t see why you need to try to “train” your baby to accept daycare conditions before daycare starts. You really can’t train new babies to have new skills. You wait for them to mature and they develop new skills. To the extent that making her wait to be held will get her used to not being held, that can happen at daycare, right?

Over the next month or two, you will feel at the end of your rope. You’ll feel like you’re the only person on planet Earth who’s awake at 3am. You’ll feel desperate and fatigued. If you can, seek out other new parents who will commiserate. Try to hang on and survive the present moment, and know intellectually (if not at a gut-level) that it will get better and you can get through it. And don’t let people tell you “enjoy every minute!” Screw them. Not every minute is enjoyable, even if it’s all worth it.

I love the bootcamp analogy. Very appropriate. I’ve started telling my daughter how happy I am that she is awake and that I get to spend time with her when she wakes up at night. Forcing myself to say it even when I would much rather be passed out somehow makes it a little easier to cope with. And I find myself slowly starting to believe it.

@Stoid

I wish I could find it, but I recently saw a fantastic co-sleep baby bed. Same height as the adult bed, completely enclosed on three sides, the fourth side open. Designed to securely align / attach to the adult bed (I think by some part that fits under the adult mattress) The baby is directly next to you, yet safely “apart”, if you can picture it.

Already ordered and on its way!

@raspberry_hunter

This is a really good idea. takes notes
Well, if you were as, er, drippy as I was, you’d wear bras all the time too, or else you’d have drippy clothes (which, same laundry problem if all your shirts are sopping wet) or drippy floor. And in my house, drippy floor invites ANTS. So… yeah, laundry.

(Everyone told me I would stop spurting milk everywhere after a while, and I did – but it took months, far longer than I was led to believe.)

Thankfully I’m not leaky. I did manage to spray my daughter in face once when I was trying to help her latch. Poor thing was not happy but I laughed my ass off.

Stoid I loved the article. Very interesting.

[DoperChic]

Two minor victories for today:

DB went in her swing for over an hour without much fussing until it was time to eat.

She is now sleeping soundly at my side on my bed. This was after about 5 minutes or so of fussing but she accepted it. My lap is actually empty!

At this point, I’ll take what I can get.

[Dinsdale]

Thanks for the response. I had gotten the erroneous impression that you could lie down in the bed next to her to get her to take a nap, whereupon you could get up and do whatever needed to be done.

Best of luck. The crazy thing is that in a year or so, right when things are going really smoothly with this kid, you’ll develop amnesia, forget how hellish this time was, and start thinking it would be nice to have another baby! AND, you’ll be deluded enough to think that everything you have learned and gone through with this kid will make the next one easier!

[Doggo]

@DoperChic

Please, before anyone even replies, please don’t suggest that I just let her cry it out. At 6 weeks that’s just too young and downright cruel in my opinion. I’m game for just about anything else.

We’ve got a few months to work this out. I return to work in September and Doper Baby will then be going to a daycare. As my in laws love to remind me, the daycare provider won’t be willing-or able-to hold her all day like we currently do.

Like it or not, take a stand now or live in a world of hurt. You do NOT have a few months to sort it.
Many families break up over children like that.
Just saying.

There are lots of articles about self soothing out there.

[April_R]

@Doggo

Like it or not, take a stand now or live in a world of hurt. You do NOT have a few months to sort it.
Many families break up over children like that.
Just saying.
.

cite?

[HoneyBadgerDC]

I htink the secret is to respond before they cry. Lots of interaction. Set her down for maybe a minute and then pick her back up, don’t wait till she cries. Try to extend the periods. I don’t know if the mother of my children was a genius or if we just got lucky but they never cried. She was very attentive to them and always put them down for naps before they showed signs of being tired, fed them before they were hungry, changed them before they seemed aggravated etc. It really seemed to work.

[Alice_The_Goon]

I know you’re sensitive to this topic but don’t flame me… but regarding getting the baby to sleep and then laying her down- you will never have to Feberize (cry it out method) to get her to go to sleep later if you start now (or relatively soon) laying her down before she is asleep. Everyone, even adults, wakes briefly during sleep and gets themselves back to sleep without even being aware of it. But if your baby is used to being held and soothed to sleep, she won’t be able to get herself back to sleep and will cry instead. So it’s just part of good sleep hygiene to allow her to learn to self-soothe instead of having to depend on you to do it for her, and it will help her with a whole lifetime of good sleep habits. I’m not saying you have to start doing this today, and I realize that every baby is different, but it is something to start thinking about. I had three babies. #1 I rocked and soothed to sleep and he slept horribly until I had to Feberize him at 5 months. #2 I was pretty wishy-washy about it and although he was a better sleeper, I didn’t really adhere to the sleep training and we had some problems with him sleeping but not as bad as #1. #3 I started right away from birth laying him down before he was asleep so that he could learn to get himself to sleep, and it was like a miracle- he’d take two naps a day as an infant, no problems ever, and one as a toddler, no problems ever, and at 14 now can sleep 12-14 hours a day (lol). But the point is, if you start now (or very soon), there will be no ‘crying it out’ or Feberizing necessary. Just a suggestion!

[delphica]

@Unauthorized_Cinnamon

Hang in there. You’re in the bootcamp phase of parenting. Try to recruit other people to do some chores for you (“Thanks for offering to hold the baby, but the best thing you could do is run a load of laundry and put it away for me!”). Do not take this to mean “it’s easy, it should come naturally,” but it is normal for a baby to be like this.

This is awesome advice, and I wanted to add that it is also totally cool if you say to your visitors “gosh yes, please hold the baby while I pop a load of laundry in, I would love to stretch my legs and get a little change of scenery.” Even if the scenery is only the thrill of the laundry room.

The key, of course, is to say whichever one you are comfortable with. And how you are assessing the situation with your baby. Especially when the timing was right, when my newborn was fed and not too tired, I really liked taking advantage of the opportunity to ease her into the whole concept of the existence of other people.

[CrazyCatLady]

@Doggo

Like it or not, take a stand now or live in a world of hurt. You do NOT have a few months to sort it.
Many families break up over children like that.
Just saying.

There are lots of articles about self soothing out there.

Oh, for pity’s sake. Perhaps some families break up over a clingy infant, but “many”? Really? And even if it is “many” at least an order of magnitude more soldier through this sort of thing and come out the other end just fine.

OP, if it comforts you any, my new niece was really fussy and clingy and yowly for the 6-8 weeks. She’s four months now, and a happy, reasonably independent baby. Her parents haven’t really changed anything they do with her, aside from changing her formula to a lactose-free version around the one-month mark. She’s just outgrown it.

My brother also went through a spell about your baby’s age of just plain shrieking his damn head off for approximately 6 hours at a stretch. Every blasted time Mom would try to put him down to sleep. (At the time Mom thought he must have colic or something, but in retrospect she thinks it was actually a very early manifestation of his ADD. She was putting him in a dim, quiet room to nap and leaving him to cry it out/learn to self-soothe, which was the standard advice at the time. Once she said “fuck it, if he’s not going to sleep anyway, he might as well stay in the living room” he started going right to sleep. He just needed more stimulation to feel at ease, and once he had it, he was fine.) Whatever other challenges you have with DB, she’s not a round-the-clock screamer, so there’s at least that to be cheerful about.