Parents...help me learn to put my kid down

My son is almost 8 weeks old. When he was first born, we could put him in the swing (we have a cradle swing) or his bouncer for extended periods of time with the music and/or vibration going, and he’d hang out there for a time - most of the time, he’d fall asleep there.

About 3 weeks ago, he decided that he hated both of them. No bouncer. No swing. No way. (The bouncer, a cradle-type, has become my girl cat’s new bed. She loves it, and if the baby’s not using it… :smack: ). I’ve put him in his crib to watch the mobile, which he likes, and he likes watching the birds on his swing - for about 2 minutes. Then he cries.

I’ve always subscribed to the ‘you can’t spoil them at this age’ theory, but now I’m really starting to wonder. I don’t get him up from naps or in the morning until he’s been crying for at least 30 seconds - because 95% of the time, he goes right back to sleep after a short cry (he’s not awake, either - he seems to cry in his sleep a lot). But nothing I do will get him to hang out by himself for short periods of time - he wants to be held constantly. I’m trying to interest him in his play gym, and he does seem to like that, but he’s really too little to interact with it for the most part.

I don’t want to let him cry it out this little - I really don’t. But I’m worried because he starts daycare in a week and a half, and his caregiver will not be able to hold him constantly all day - she has other kids, too (older kids, but kids that still need attention). I just don’t know how to get him to learn to be okay if Mom’s not holding him constantly (and it IS me he wants because he will fuss if it’s my husband and I’m in sight).

Help!

E.

Wow, I thought this was going to be about euthanasia. :eek:

And I thought this was going to be about making derogatory remarks. “You smell funny! You’re weak, too! Look at you, you can’t even feed yourself!”

I wouldn’t worry about it at this age. He really is too young to get spoiled, and his need for closeness to you is normal and part of his development. At this age, letting him cry it out will only teach him that you aren’t there for him and may abandon him at any time.

As for his daycare provider, I’d say it’ll be her problem, and part of her job will be to figure it out. If she can’t figure it out and cope, then maybe she should find another line of work.

I can’t say I agree with one word of your post; but this thread is all about opinions, so there’s no need to debate. IME, I’ve never come across a day care provider who makes the clinginess issue of a 2 month old infant ‘their problem’.

For the x-amount of hours they babysit, they do what they can; when they can – and are more likely to adhere to a philosophy that says ‘a child can be spoiled at at age’. But I haven’t met them all, so maybe the OP has found one who’s different.

Is he warm enough? Maybe it’s not the holding he wants/needs but the warmth. He might just be uncomfortable. Have you tried swaddling? Make him feel like he’s being held?

Hey! It’s been a long time since I had an 8-week old. :slight_smile:

Sorry, but an 8-week-old child can NOT be spoiled. Any daycare provider that thinks that they can doesn’t know anything about child development, and it being their job, they should know these things, and they should know how to deal with a baby that wants to be held.

Sweep the leg, Johnny!
Oh, wait, no, that’s how to take him down. Sorry, can’t help you with putting him down.

At eight weeks old, they’re not even cooked yet. Any other mammal at this level of development would still be inside its mother. Can you blame them for having a strong drive to be held? There’s not a lot you can do to circumvent that.

I’m not sure what daycares do to accomodate tiny babies. If they take care of many infants, presumably they have a plan in place. If it’s to hold and soothe the babies, great; if it’s to lay them in a crib and let them cry, as long as they’re not in physical danger, I’d say find another option.

Sorry, I’m not much help.

No, it’s been a help. I don’t mind holding him at home - most of my day is spent either holding him or wearing him. I think I’m just worried about what will happen when he’s with someone else - his daycare provider is great, from everything I’ve seen, and she doesn’t seem to have a problem holding him when I’m there. He does sleep several naps a day, so that’s a few hours right there.

I’m sure she’ll hold him if that’s what he needs - I think it’s just my worried new mom coming out because I don’t know if he’ll still be fussy without me. He’s starting to take note of bright objects around him, so hopefully, he’ll start to become a little more self-entertaining (he does crack himself up sometimes - I’m not sure what he’s laughing at sometimes :wink: ). Until then, we’ll both just keep holding him. He is my DCP’s only full-time kid, so she’ll be able to get his moods down within a week or two, hopefully.

E.

8 week old babies love being held in a sling. This frees up your hands if you feel compelled to be doing stuff. The day care provider can use it too.

Unlike a BabyBjorn carrier, there are lots of ways to arrange an infant in the sling. Baby is heart-to-heart, warm without being overdressed, and soothed by the motion. Once the baby has head control, he will have his own opinions on how to sit.

When you are flat exhausted, you can sleep sitting up and baby won’t drop.

You can walk, sweep, mop, and cook (baby on your back). I’ve taken the baby in the pool when supervising the bigger siblings. If you are sufficiently obsessed, you can take the baby in the shower (haven’t ever done that).

There are many vendors selling about 4 different shapes. There are strong advocates for Over The Shoulder Baby Holder, Maya Wrap, and all the variations without rings. I used a NoJo because I like the sewn-in pad that stablizes a tiny baby and then rotates up top to be shoulder padding.

http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sling.html
has a good overview with lots of links.

I could talk for hours about how the sling saved my sanity. There was a short period when I had a jealous 20 month old on 1 hip and the newborn up front. Easier than a double-wide buggy for short errands! YMMV.

The sling is a godsend (I’m a Maya Wrap Mama myself) and I often use it when I watch newborns (I used to be a newborn nanny, now I just babysit a few days a week.) If he’s her only fulltimer, especially if the others are older, then she’ll have no problem.

A few things to think about: First, babies cry more when their mothers are around. This goes until about age 31, as far as I can tell. If you’re there and not holding him, he can smell you, and he wants you to hold him. It’s completely normal. It may mean that he cries when you leave him with his caretaker, but chances are good he’ll be better for her than for you a few minutes after you’re gone.

Second, he really is only half-baked, and it’s totally natural to want to be held a lot at this age. It’s also an age where they cry a lot more than they did just a couple of weeks ago - he’s stronger and more awake, so he’s got more energy to cry, and he’s starting to figure out that he’s dependant on you for everything. Think how frustrating that has to be - he can’t even figure out where someone put his thumbs! They were here a second ago, and now they’re gone, and nothing will bring them back except crying, of course! It’s what worked last time!

Third, no baby ever died of crying. Don’t worry about spoiling him by holding him whenever you want to, but also don’t worry if you need to finish using the toilet, taking the casserole out of the oven, or even brush your teeth and take a fast shower. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of him. While I wouldn’t leave him for too long, 5 minutes will give him a good cardio workout and will not traumatize him in the long run. Remember, he doesn’t know you’re a separate person yet, so “abandonment” is a totally off-the-wall concept that he won’t get for a few more months. Right now, he thinks of you like an extra arm or leg. Think how you’d feel if you tried to stand up and your leg wouldn’t work. You’d freak out a little bit, right? You might get a bit scared, and you might cry. You probably wouldn’t hate your leg or think that your leg didn’t love you. In a few moments, when your leg is back and everything works out fine, you’ll forget all about it and be walking as if nothing happened.

You’re doing fine, he’s doing fine, and I’m not about to tell you not to worry, because I know you will anyway! But it all sounds perfectly normal to me.

I went through the exact same thing with my youngest (now 8). She was only happy being held; she’d be content in her swing for a little while, but then the crying would start.

I thought she was colicky. Turned out she was just mad. The more motor control she gained, the calmer she got, and the second she became mobile (around 4 months, IIRC, when she started rolling and scooting around the floor) she turned into a happy little bundle of coos and giggles.

Possibly you have an independent little cuss in your care, who, like my daughter, isn’t going to be happy until he can Do It Himself. Hold him as much as he wants; you won’t spoil him, and they don’t stay little and cuddly for long.

I wish I knew what to tell you. I don’t think you can teach them it’s “okay to be without mom” until they understand the difference between “I” and “mom”.

I used a Baby Wrap, totally hands-free. You can make yourself a sandwich and still wear the baby. You can type with both hands. Me…? Four kids. I just never left them to cry (unless it simply couldn’t be avoided) or tried to “teach” them anything like that. I tried to be available. As they developed, the separation occurred naturally…and it sure wasn’t at 8 weeks of age. (I never tried to “teach them to sleep through the night”, either. I They slept in my bed, or in my room, until they were ready to move. The sleeping happened when they were ready. I also let them self-wean - one was 5, one was 3.5, one was 2…the other never nursed. I’m pretty crunchy though. Birkenstocks and all.)

We did use a swing a lot, as I recall. And I nursed them to sleep until…oh, at least 2 years of age. It was quick, easy, painless, and involved zero crying. They all transitioned away from it painlessly on their own when they were ready.

This has been my experience with my second son. He was happiest being held All The Time (even all night while he slept) until he figured out how to roll over. Now, at 6.5 months, he’s content to be held for a few minutes, then he wants to get the hell down and roll roll roll roll scoot roll roll. I did the sling thing (and a lot of just sitting around doing nothing, holding him) until he got through that stage. Stages like that seem like an eternity when you’re in the midst of them, but looking back, they go through these little preferences very quickly. Just adapt the best you can for now and know that it won’t be forever (or even for very long) that he wants to be held all the time. Then, especially when he hits toddlerhood, you can lament how he never wants to cuddle anymore!

I’m going to third (fourth?) the sling suggestion- if possible, have your DCP try a few, to see which she and he like.

My daughter was a velcro baby too.

My daughter was the best baby ever. She didn’t cry unless there was something wrong. She was happy being held. She was happy being bounced, she was happy laying in her crib… she woke up smiling and slept through the night days after being born, waking only for her scheduled feeding.

My son…

My son likes to be held, he’s always liked to be held… my wife bought a sling and he does indeed love being in a sling. We hold him as much as we can but here’s the thing… you can’t hold him all the time, you shouldn’t feel like you have to hold him all the time and he’ll be ok if you don’t. Yes, he will cry… even for a very long time. He’ll get over it. I was the same way as a baby (so says my mother) and I can safely say I got over it and don’t remember and neither will your baby. Your daycare provide in all likelyhood will take excellent care of your child, they will feed him, change him and play with him… but they probably will not hold him all day, that’s just how it is. He’ll be fine.

I’ve read that some babies can be comforted by mom’s scent - try leaving a dirty blouse nearby.

With my twins I simply couldn’t hold them all the time. They grew accustomed to just seeing/hearing me when they weren’t being held. And there were frequent brief intervals when I had no choice but to let one cry while I tended to the other (or myself). The good thing about that is, I think that seeing me model comforting behavior taught them to do it themselves when they got older.

Heh. :slight_smile: So speaks the experienced mom.

My son was the same way. Could only stand “activities” like the play mat or the swing for a few minutes before only mama’s arms would do. When I went back to work at 4 months post partum I worried to death he would either scream all day or his daycare provider would tell me she can’t tote him around all day and tend to other kids. But you know what? Babies adjust soooo well. He seemed to figure out the difference between her and me right away, and seemed very stimulated by being around other babies and kids. He fell into their routine very quickly and got happier doing things. Like other people have said, as he got stronger and started reaching milestones – rolling over, sitting up, crawling – he was MUCH happier and eager to have more floor time. He is now two, and would STILL prefer to be velcroed to me 24/7!