Parents--Advice? Sympathy? Drugs?

My daughter is 19 months old, and until now has always been a very good sleeper. Slept through the night very early on, and I’ve always been able to put her down awake and she’d put herself right to sleep. Her attitude about naps? “Oh, it’s sleepy-time? Yeah, that sounds good. See you in a couple of hours, Mama!” I’ve been spoiled, to say the least.

And now, literally overnight, bedtime has become a nightmare. I think it’s an separation anxiety thing…she wants me to hold her all night. She’ll fall asleep in my arms (which takes up to 30 minutes a shot), but the second I put her down she wakes up and starts crying for me to pick her up again. The old routine does.not.work. I’ve tried letting her cry it out multiple times, but she always either ends up throwing up or just crying for 30 minutes solid, which is all my heart can take. I’ve also tried just sitting in the room with her, not holding her, but that either a.) frustrates her so that she cries harder than ever (result: vomit everywhere), or b.) she thinks it’s great fun and won’t go to sleep.

She won’t nap, either. She’s gone from sleeping a reliable two hours a day to suddenly only getting about 30 minutes, in my arms, if that.

This has been going on for about a week, and so far she’s won all the battles. By two in the morning I’m so exhausted I give in and let her come to bed with me and my husband, which makes her happy, but which I really, really, don’t want to continue. I’m actually due for baby #2 in January, and it’s hard enough trying to sleep while fully pregnant, let alone with a 2-year-old sticking her toes in your ribs. And she can’t be sleeping with us when we have a newborn.

There are a couple of reasons I can think of that might have caused the sudden shift: 1.) This started about a week after we had returned from a plane trip to New York, where we were sleeping in strange places and interacting with strange people. 2.) She and I have both been sick. Again, about five days before all this started, she was diagnosed with an ear infection and I was diagnosed with the flu (swine version, if you can believe it!) (Yes, we’ve been back to the pediatrician and her ears are fine now, but she is still on the amoxicillin for a few days so maybe that contributes??) I’m fine now, too.

Anyway, we’re on another little trip out of town this weekend, and so when we get back Sunday night I’m hoping it will be like starting with a clean slate. What should I do, dopers? I’m so torn…my instincts are telling me that she’s feeling insecure for some reason, so I want to give her all the affection and reassurance she needs, and let her sleep with us. The practical side of me says that this is a very bad habit to get started, and I need to nip it in the bud.

I’m sleep-deprived, pregnant, and at my wits end. Help!

Oh, sweetie, you have my sympathies. If I had to guess, she’s had her routine disturbed and is afraid of the novelty. I would suggest when you get back Sunday night to start off with a nice, soothing bath, then a bedtime and cuddle, then let her get to sleep. It may take some time to get her settled back down, but I agree that you do not want her to get used to sleeping with you and the hubby.

If she starts to fuss, go in, pat her back, remind her it’s bedtime, then leave. Do this every fifteen minutes. That way, she’s not crying herself sick and she’s getting reassured that you’re just in the next room. You may have one or two sleepless nights until she gets back into the swing of things, but she will get there. Hugs to you and the Little Peski.

It sure sounds like a temporary disruption. Any other factors like maybe changing the clothes detergent, diet change, using an AC, etc.

My youngest twin has sleep issues for 4 years so I understand what you are going through.

Aside from sympathy I can’t offer much more than recognition of the fact that you’re considering all the right things. And although your instincts and your practical side seem to be at odds, you’re right on both counts.

Some instinctual part of you probably already recognizes the need to take care of your needs as well. You think less clearly when you’re sleep deprived; that includes instinctive thought.

When you’re on a plane and they’re telling you about the little masks that fall from the ceiling they say to put your mask on first!

Congratulations on the wonderful family and try sleeping in small doses whenever you can.

We went through this, to an extent, with both kids - more so with our (younger) son than with our daughter. There are different schools of thought, all contradictory - some people say you should just let your kids sleep with you. We did this when they were sick, but that made it hard for us to sleep and we usually ended up getting sick ourselves. When they weren’t sick, we tried our own variation of the Ferber method - put them to bed, tell them to go to sleep, pat them on the tummy, and let them cry for 10 minutes. Go in, reassure them that you’re still there, everything’s okay but they need to go to sleep. Repeat as necessary throughout the night. We took shifts - this is your hour, I’m getting some sleep; now it’s my hour, you get some sleep.

Around 2 1/2 years old was when our daughter was consistently sleeping through the night; our son was a little tougher and took longer, but he was sleeping through the night by 4 1/2. I’m sorry if none of this sounds encouraging at the moment, but it does get better. Honestly.

And play the ‘I’m pregnant’ card with your husband, often. It sounds like you are the one at home and you’re neither getting a nap in the afternoon, nor getting anything done. That can be deeply frustrating, but as time goes on, you will find yourself capable of organizational feats and multi-tasking on a level you never contemplated. You will find an efficiency you never dreamed of having, and your priorities will sort themselves out in ways you never considered. And I know that it is very hard to come home after work and pitch in, but it’s also very hard to be the one at home getting hour long tasks finished 10 hard won minutes at a time. Make him pitch in.

Then they will go to school and the whole thing gets taken up a notch…

Hang in there - sending you all the good baby sleep karma I can muster. {{{{{PeskiPiksi}}}}}

I feel your pain. Celtling didn’t sleep more than four hours at a time for 16 months. I seriously thought I’d go psychotic. I can’t do the “cry it out” thing, and I’m glad to hear you’re not considering it; I find it barbaric myself.

I’ve been fortunate in one way though, she’s always preferred having her own space.

You know your child best, but here’s a few ideas to try on:

Don’t even try for a nap until this is over; you’ll never win unless she’s truly sleepy.

Give her a banana 1.5 hours before bedtime. Assign Hubby to run her ragged when the banana sugar kicks in. Catch her on the down side for bedtime.

Increase sunlight and exercise.

Yawn in front of her about 30 min before you want to put her down. Don’t even approach the bed unless she has yawned twice. If she’s not sleepy, then you’re just starting a power struggle.

Check the temp in her room. Is it too warm/cold?

Read several books cuddled up in a chair before bedtime and during the day.

Stop cuddling in her room, but double the cuddling time outside it.

If she wants to cuddle, pick her up and cuddle with her somewhere else. Refuse to cuddle in/near a bed.

Don’t let her into your bed. Put a sleeping bag on the floor beside her bed if you have to.

Assign bedtime to hubby. He’ll need to take over for a while when the baby is born anyway. Maybe a complete change of pace would help, and it would prevent her connecting the change to the babies arrival.

If you haven’t already, get some good books about little siblings arriving and read them together. Talk a lot about how special she is, and her place in your heart/family. Clearly she knows something’s up.

Good luck dear.

You could try the Ferber Method, which involves going back in to soothe the child at increasing intervals, i.e. going in 3 minutes after putting them down, then 5 minutes, then 10, then 15, etc. until the child is asleep.

Thanks everyone for the replies. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back…my power cord for my laptop went kaput so I’m left with waiting for my husband to get home from work so I can borrow his.

A few points:

Re crying it out (Ferber): I’m willing to use it if it works, but the problem is it isn’t working for us in this situation. So far every time we’ve attempted it, she’s thrown up in the first two or three minutes. (Is it possible she’s doing this on purpose?) There was one exception…one night the vomiting didn’t happen. So we did five minute intervals…I went back in at five minutes, then waited ten minutes, then waited fifteen, etc. We got all the way up to twenty-five minutes before I just couldn’t take it anymore.

And I guess I should point out that getting her down initially isn’t really a problem, even though she’s not following the old routine (bath, bottle, book, bed). Now she refuses the bottle and the book, and just curls up in my arms to be rocked to sleep. So she’s not fighting sleep, she’s fighting being put down in her crib alone. Now what I’m doing is rocking her until she’s deeply asleep, and then putting her down. She’ll sleep that way for several hours, but at some point in the night she’ll wake up crying, and having a few hours of sleep under her belt, now has the energy to stay awake for hours until we finally give in and bring her into bed with us.

That’s the problem at naptime, too. She’s not sleepy enough at that point to get deeply asleep enough for me to put her down. She’ll doze in my arms, but the second I try to put her in her crib she’s wide awake again.

Re my husband: He helps all he can, but the problem is that since I’m the primary care provider (stay-at-home Mom), it’s ME she wants in the middle of the night, and Daddy simply won’t do. As much as she loves him, she won’t stop crying if he goes to her in the night instead of me. So I’m kind of stuck.

I guess all I can do is keep trying. We have had a little progress…today she napped for the first time in two weeks…it was only 45 minutes, but it’s something. And she’s consistently starting the night in her crib, so I figure one of these nights she’ll make it all the way through. And we got a full night’s sleep last night…when she woke up at 11:30, I didn’t even fight it, I just brought her straight into bed with us and we all slept until 7:00. So even though that wasn’t the “right” thing to do, at least I feel halfway human today.

Thanks for all the advice and sympathy so far. My mantra is, “This too shall pass.” I mean, it’s not like she’ll have trouble leaving for college because she’s still sleeping in our bed! :slight_smile:

Hey, if it feels right (or at least results in you all getting some sleep), it’s right. Don’t beat yourself up about taking your kid to bed with you.

I think the most horrible surprise about having our son was learning that just as something started working, he’d go and change the rules on us. Apparently he hadn’t read the same books I had. He would, just as you said, overnight stop sleeping through the night or stop responding to the way we put him down (however consistently we did it).

I wish I could tell you to try X and Y will result, but you’ve already figured out that your children have other ideas. Good luck and if you find the magic bullet, let me know. We’ll be having #2 in November. So far, the only thing I’ve learned really well is that this one will probably be totally different from the first, so everything I’ve learned about sleep and babies with my son will be tossed out the window with our new little one.

I am told that until I was almost 2, I would cry so hard I vomited, and the doctor said there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, I just had a short esophagus (NORMAL in little ones).

I lived in a house with shag carpeting. Mom did just about everything in her power to keep me from getting so upset that I vomited.

I guess I’m not really arguing that your child ISN’T vomiting on purpose, but I kind of doubt that your child is.

I will refrain from giving advice on the rest of it, since I’m not a parent, but I do suspect that holding the child till she’s deeply asleep before putting her in the crib is reinforcing the behavior. I just don’t know how you can persuade her to stop fighting that part.

With my son I’d sit in the room with him. I started sitting on his bed. Then next to his bed. Then at the other side of the room, then at the door, then in the door, then just outside the door, then outside the door where he could hear me but couldn’t see me, then down the steps.

I’d read, he’d fall asleep.

19 months? 5 will get you 10 that she is teething her first molars. Or something similar.

We went the barbaric route and went with the Ferber method at probably about the same age. My wife had been nursing our daughter before bedtime up until a few months prior but we were still stuck in a routine of spending up to an hour or sometimes more of cuddling her to sleep.

The first night it was rough and took nearly two hours. The next night it was 45 minutes. The next night it was 5 minutes. After that there was only occasional fussing at bed time. That is not to say there wasn’t the occasional rough patch where she would wake up in the middle of the night, but for the most part things have been good. Of course, now at 3, if she doesn’t want to go to sleep she can pop out of her room and resist in other ways but it isn’t as time consuming.

I agree with Marienee that it could be teething that is waking her up at night. I would be tempted to give her a shot of Motrin at bedtime one night to see if that improved the situation.

My sympathies! This must be very hard.

We did a variation of the Ferber method as recommended by our doctor. The point was not to reinforce the crying behavior. So no going in and soothing. It went exactly as he said–the first night was horrible. The second night wasn’t so bad. The third night was pretty smooth. The fourth night, no problemo! I’d highly recommend it. Starting Sunday seems like a good idea.

If she vomits, go in and clean it up. One parent cleans her up. The other changes the bed. And put her right back ASAP. She can’t learn that vomiting gets her the payoff that she wants. (Someone around her suggested putting a waterproof pad over one sheet and another sheet on top of that for quick changes. Good idea.)

The teething thing might indeed be a factor. Give her some pain reliever.

And here’s some parenting advice: You MUST stop letting her “win battles,” otherwise she will turn into a brat. I understand being soft-hearted about your child’s distress, but what’s more important–your feelings or being a good parent to your daughter? It’s not that you should always be rigid about sticking to rules, but you absolutely have to be firm. Especially with another child on the way! I know it’s hard, but it’s worth it in the end.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Why didn’t she just put a washable rug or some sort of splat mat in front of under the crib? Rhetorical question, I guess, but it’s a good idea in general.

Three thoughts:

  1. Washable rug or splash mat is an obvious solution in hindsight or to the outsider, I’m not sure she thought of it then.

  2. I think just KNOWING I was upset enough to vomit bothered my mother–first time parent, and all that.

  3. Mom didn’t exactly spoil me rotten rather than let me get upset enough to vomit. But we did have a rather elaborate put the child to bed routine for my early years, because I’d generally sleep through the night just fine, but getting me to go to sleep in the first place was a chore until I was 3 or so.

Our son was a puker. From 8 months until just after 2 years, anytime he realized I was not around or he was heartlessly removed from WHATEVER IT WAS THAT HE WANTED TO BE INVOLVED IN JUST TO GO TO BED he would puke.

5-6 times a week sometimes.

He’d wake up in his crib, realize THE INJUSTICE of it ALL curse you, vile woman! start to cry and BLEEEECH.

Not a thing wrong with him. No food issues, allergies, sickness. Nothing. It was a control thing.

I was puked on so many times it didn’t bother me at all as it is easier to clean up me than drag out the carpet cleaner again.

He is now 11 and referred to as The Regurgitator.

He stopped napping at 2.

His sister wasn’t a puker at all. (YAY!) She stopped napping at the age of 2.

They never farking sleep and I strongly suspect that when they are teens either they will become supersonic or sleep all the time and require and IV drip of coffee-red-bull. (They are so much like their father in this respect that the only way I can keep the universe in balance is nap often.)

Good luck!

I agree with this for the most part, especially when it comes to sleep, but I think it is important to let the older kid win sometimes - and within reason, especially with a new baby on the way. A toddler will probably feel nudged aside as it is, and she really can’t think beyond herself at this point; letting her win sometimes or at least giving her choices and marketing those as wins might help.

I think that’s probably what you’re alluding to by saying that you don’t have to be completely rigid and, since you have a second, you’d probably know more than I (again, I’m expecting #2; he or she isn’t here yet). But it seems like letting #1 win sometimes when it’s reasonable might be a good idea.

One thing I have noticed is that you absolutely can’t make anyone sleep, adult or child, which stinks. You can set the rules to keep 'em in bed and provide the environment, but beyond that, it’s up to the kid. There were times when my toddler was younger (ok, sometimes it still happens) when I would have sold my soul for a magic sleeping wand.

Does she have a transitional object such as a (non electronic) teddy bear? Ideally she should comfort the bear as you would comfort her and she should be able to derive comfort from that. Also objects that remind her of you should provide comfort.

Oh, what a pain! It sounds like she’s hit the 18-month sleep regression. And like she might be heading into the 20-to-24-month separation anxiety (I can’t find the link right now - it doesn’t last that long, but it hits sometime pre-2-years-old). So some of this will pass as she gets older and moves past the developmental spurt.

If it were me (and you know your kid, I don’t…), I would talk about it during the daytime. She’s old enough that she probably understands a whole lot, even if she’s not talking about it. And I would probably let her come to bed with me, at least until she is completely out. Now, I’m not pregnant, and I don’t know if her sleeping with you means you get NO sleep. But I would let her do it for a couple of weeks, and then try putting her back in her crib - once you think she’s past the sleep regression. January is far enough away that you have time to work with her before the baby comes.

Another thing to try, if you have room: could you make a little sleep nest for her on the floor of your room? Put her crib mattress there, etc? Maybe being in the same room as you will be enough for her.

If you have books where everyone goes to sleep (we have this one and this one for my 22-month-old), that would probably help reinforce the “we all go to sleep” thing. I’ve also read about some families making their own books - she can help you color it, and then you read her your book about how Big Girls sleep in their cribs/beds and not in Mama’s arms, and go to sleep quietly, etc. Maybe with photos and everything - “Here’s you when you were still inside Mama, and you slept in Mama’s belly. Here’s you when you were a little tiny baby, and you slept in Mama’s arms.” etc.

For naps, what would she do if you enforced “quiet time” instead of a nap? If you put her in her crib with a handful of books or quiet toys, put the lights on low, and left her to play for a bit? Would she freak out, or would she play and maybe even fall asleep? My son is just now transitioning from 2 naps to 1, and sometimes doesn’t fall asleep for his 2nd nap but is happy to play in his crib for an hour or so. He seems to be refreshed afterward (no longer whiny, etc.), and we get a break. And it’s fun to listen to him talk to himself over the baby monitor. :slight_smile:

I second the lovey idea, if she doesn’t have one already. My son was not interested in his stuffed animals until he was right about 19-20 months old, so you might have some luck with one even if you hadn’t until now. Now he has Lamb and Bunny who help him sleep, which is pretty convenient. And cute, too. :stuck_out_tongue:

Poor you - this just sucks, doesn’t it? And you can’t even have booze to take the edge off of a hard day! I mean, not enough to make a difference. My son didn’t reliably sleep through the night until he was 20 months old, and I still don’t trust that it’s going to last…

Well, actually I kind of meant the opposite! You can let them win sometimes, but you can market it as not a “win,” if you know what I mean. In other words, give them what they want/need, but figure out some way to show that you’re not doing it in response to their bad behavior.

And I don’t have a second. I just figured that it would be good to get this problem resolved now, so that they won’t be in the middle of a power struggle when the new baby arrives. That way, they can give her the extra attention she needs, but it won’t reinforce the bad behavior.