3 year old won't go to sleep - Advice?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My daughter’s just over 3, and suddenly having trouble going to sleep. She stalls and stalls, inventing new reasons to call mom&dad back into the room every night. (thirsty, hungry, itchy, potty, needs specific doll/stuffed animal, needs something moved or put away, more blanket, less blanket, more light, less light, bumped head/arm/leg on bed…) She constantly wants to sleep in mommy & daddy’s bed, and complains of “Bad dreams” but I’m not sure she really understands what that means, because she talks about them like they are physical objects. (“There are bad dreams on my pillow, right there next to Eeyore’s tail”) Even when she’s not calling for us, she’s awake in bed talking or singing to herself for hours after bedtime.

It’s obvious she’s just doesn’t want to go to sleep, possibly due to nightmares, but I’m not sure what’s causing it or what else to try. We did move (and change schools) about a month and a half ago, but she was fine after the move until recently.

She sleeps in a toddler bed, in a room shared with her 19 month old sister (still in a crib), with not one but two nightlights and one of these, and a cd player with lullabies. We have a nighttime routine of two stories and then bedtime, which worked fine until the past week or two.

We’ve tried discussing what good dreams she’ll have tonight and what she wants to dream about just before bedtime, hoping to leave her with happy thoughts to inspire good dreams. We’ve tried pushing her bedtime later, thinking maybe she needs less sleep now than her sister (they used to go to bed at the same time). We’ve tried casting a certain stuffed dog as a protector that will keep the bad dreams away. We’ve tried indulging her and shaking the bad dreams out of her pillow into the toilet and flushing them. We’ve tried talking about her feelings and why she won’t sleep in her bed (her answers boil down to “I have bad dreams in my bed”)

Any thoughts on what might be causing it and any other tactics to try?

2

Don’t know the size of the place you are living, but if you can, move her to a different room. If that isn’t an option try new bedding (instead of Eeyore, find some other themed sheets and blankets she likes), or re arrange the furniture in the bedroom. It may not be her bed, but how lights and shadows look to her in her room from where she is lying. Not sure how much this will help, but it’s worth a try. Plus the place is still new to her. It probably worked at first because it was new and exciting. Now she’s probably missing her old bedroom.
We recently moved and took it as an opportunity to “change the routine,” so to speak. Kept some of the routine we knew that worked, stopped the stuff that wasn’t helping, and made new rules like “no sippy cups in bed.”

3

Stop indulging her. Put her down and leave her there. Every time you go in there when she calls for you you’re just reinforcing the behavior.

4

Very Good advice. I didn’t think to mention it, because my wife and I make it a point to not go in their bedroom after we lay our kids down. It’s become more of a habit now.

She’s clearly trying to get attention. May want to get down and play with them more while she’s up. Ignore her when she’s continually calling for you. She’ll get the message. The next day congratulate her on making it through the night in her bed and tell her how proud you are. This way you are reinforcing the correct behavior.

5

Make an effort to give her an hour of attention/cuddle time before bed. She may just be feeling touch deprived (the changes can vastly increase the need for hugs, etc.)

If she’s spending the evening waiting for your attention, and then it comes in the form of stories etc. only as a sgnal that you’ll leave her all alone in a few minutes - well, it’s only natural that she’d protest in any way she can.

Make sure she’s not getting any caffeine in her diet, and no sugary stuff 3 hours before bedtime (includes fruit juice.) Offer a bit of whole oatmeal or other whole-grain food about an hour before bed. (Whole grains contain the ingredients for serotonin production, which occurs mostly during sleep. One of those ingredients is tryptophan.)

Just guessing, of course we can’t see the whole picture.

I’m not a believer in letting children “cry it out” or failing to answer when they call. But I do think that you can limit the response to a peek in the door, and a gentle “It’s time for sleep now - I love you!”. Letting her crawl into your bed is a bad idea. In response to a few really bad nightmares I have laid down next to Celtling’s bed, but she doesn’t sleep in mine. The goal is to make her environment feel safe, not to substitute your own.

6

You haven’t mentioned naps, is she having one? Does it vary in length, day to day?

I have friends who had great success by rigorously sticking to a bedtime, same time every night. Of course they did the same with the nap. Same time every day, same duration. It was challenging, as they also had another, younger child. But it did pay off, in relatively short order. Things calmed down and after that, they could make alterations to the schedule as required. But whenever their child begins to have sleep issues again, no matter how they manifest, this is the first line of attack. And they swear by it. Might be worth a shot, if you’re not already doing so.

7

If she does take naps make sure that she doesn’t sleep too late in the day. Normally we won’t let ours sleep past 4 p.m. (if they laid down for a nap at 2), which is kind of late for us. Normally we lay the little ones down for a nap soon after lunch and they are normally up by 2. I’m not even going to describe the days when they don’t have naps.

I’m with elbows (or elbows friends). Sticking to bed time is essential and beneficial.

8

Both of my kids did this, too. We reduced their nap times and just stuck to the bedtime routine and just sort of powered through until they complied. Once they were in bed, we made it a point to not go back in, rather we’d go to the door and respond to them, reminding them it was time to go to sleep. Neither of my kids get caffein or sugary drinks at home, so that did not factor in, but may be applicable for you. As mentioned above, no sugar or caffein at least three hours before bedtime.

9

I have a friend who had good success with “nighttime tickets”. She gets two (or whatever number you’re willing to live with) “tickets” to come out of her room and bug you each night. Once they’re spent, no more trips, no more calling - you don’t answer, just put her back in her bed without speaking if she emerges. As an optional refinement to the system, she can get some small treat or privilege in the morning if she hasn’t spent her nighttime tickets. Many kids will hoard their tickets and not come out at all once the system is in place.

10

Some things to try:

[ul]
[li]Cut down on naps so she’ll be tired.[/li][li]Warm bath right before bed.[/li][li]White noise - I’m a big fan of rickety fans that can mask all those little sounds that can be scary. The constant droning is also soothing. [/li][li]Close the blinds - so she can’t imagine someone/something coming in through the window. [/li][li]Confinement - A crib, a bed with netting over it, or even a closet can make her feel safer[/li][li]Reverse monitor - Allow her to hear you in the living room. Just don’t forget it’s on.[/li][li]Monitoring what she watches - My niece went through a phase of being afraid at night. After a few months, my SIL finally figured out that she was watching CNN in the morning, and her daughter was picking up on all the horror stories that news programs focus on (e.g. missing children, murders). Even something as innocuous as “Wizard of Oz” can freak some kids out. [/li][/ul]

And finally, when faced with resistant children, my line was always this: “You don’t have to go to sleep, but you do need to rest.”

Good luck to you. If it’s any consolation, she’ll outgrow it.

11

My brother has a two year old son that started refusing to go to bed. So, my brother started giving him a choice at bedtime. He’ll ask his son, “one or two more minutes?”. That way, he gets to decide his own bedtime. Of course he always picks two more minutes, then they go into the kitchen together and set the timer. When it goes off, he goes to bed - no questions.

I know this isn’t exactly the same situation, but I think it’s a great idea and it works really well to at least get them to bed.

12

Lots of good advice upthread.

I think the key is going to be to stop letting her dictate her own bedtime. Put her down and be done with it, as DCnDC said above.

I like your bedtime regime of stories and then bed. It’s good sleep hygiene and lets them know the routine. I think the reason it likely stopped working is that the kid figured out it’s more fun to make mommy (or daddy) dance than to go right to sleep. Stop engaging her and assure that anything she tries is less fun than sleeping.

With my kids, I do everything I can to get them comfortable and try to preempt any delays. They get their stories and cuddles and water and bathroom and then blankets and blankies arranged and tucked in once. Then I close the door. If they call or cry, I stick my head in the door and look to see that they’re OK, then tell them to “Be quiet, it’s bedtime.” NO conversation. NO adjustments. NO nonsense.

It may take a little while, but if you stand firm and remain consistent they’ll toe the line.

And once you get this figured out it will be smooth sailing.

13

We used a simliar approach, but used a reward chart instead. Every night that she didn’t pop out, she got a sticker to put on her chart in the morning. After she filled the chart (like 10 stickers) she got a reward.

We filled one chart about two months ago and she has not popped out of her room ONCE since then. Before that it was usually two or three times a night that she would come out needing to be tucked in again, etc.

ETA: I should add that one ritual that we have is that we always check in on her again 5-10 minutes after lights out. This gives her a chance to get a sip of water or whatever without getting out of bed.

14

Thanks for the advice, folks. To answer a few questions, she does take naps at school at a relatively fixed time, she has 0 caffeine in her diet, aside from the occasional chocolate. We haven’t allowed her in our bed at bedtime, that’s a firm no. It’s only been allowed occasionally when she wakes up from a nightmare in the middle of the night. Bedtime is relatively consistent. Until we tried the staggered approach, both went to bed (i.e. started the pjs, toothbrush, stories, bed routine) between 7 and 7:30. Blinds are closed, no white noise, but a soft lullaby CD.

Also, I’ve tried letting her “cry it out” a bit, but a) we don’t want her screaming to wake her sister, and b) she occasionally has legitimate complaints, and it’s tough to sort them from the stalling. For example, I have a hard time saying, “no, you can’t go potty,” even if she went right before bed, because I don’t want to risk cleaning up a mess at 4AM. Or the other night, there really was a nasty scary bug in her room I had to deal with. Or the few times she bumped her head, she really bumped her head, whether it’s on purpose or not, I’m not sure, but I heard the bang. (Kid might have a future in pro-wrestling, if she’s “faking” with that much conviction).

Also, if the root cause is nightmares, I feel bad leaving her to deal with them herself. We’ve all had nightmares, and I’ve had some doozies, and if she’s dreading them each night, I feel for her and want to assuage her fears however I can.

I hear what you’re saying about giving/withholding attention. Thing is that right before bed, she is the one who doesn’t give any attention to us. She usually just wants to watch TV.

Might try the tickets approach, though I’m not sure she can sort out the difference between a real need and a false one. (her scream about the bug was the same scream about the Aquaphor being on the floor instead of the dresser)

15

Dimetapp
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Just kidding.

16

  1. This is the story of my life right now.

  2. Can you cuddle up with her while she watches? It tends to be prime “get things done” time, I know. But I find that just physical closeness right before bed makes a big difference.

  3. It’s so great that you know this. Many a child is labeled manipulative, and put through heartbreaking disapproval, simply because their parents don’t understand this simple developmental fact.

Hang in there!

17

We’re finally getting to the other side of this with our son, who will be four next month (I’m crossing my fingers, anyway). We were in pretty much the same boat as the OP - we’d struggle to get out of there, then once we did get out, our son would stay up singing for hours.

I was so frustrated I called our Parents as Teachers educator and she gave me many of the suggestions listed upthread (predictable schedule, nighttime ritual, etc.). She also told me to, in addition to making sure he’s not sleeping too much during the day, make sure he’s not sleeping too little. Sleep begets sleep, at least for our son, and he has serious trouble sleeping well if he’s too tired.

She also advised me to take him out and make sure he gets a chance to run around in the evening to blow off steam and also to make sure that when I leave, he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on anything, so tell him something like, “Okay, babe. Time for bed. I’m going down the hall to fold some laundry/pay some bills/wash the dishes. I’ll check in on you later.”

Another problem was that the whole issue had become a power struggle between him and his dad. It really, really bothered his dad that he was awake. So my husband would go back there and demand that he sleep. In response, our son would just stay awake longer. After a while, we just let him know, “We can’t force you to sleep. All we ask is that you stay laying down in bed and don’t throw your animals around or raise your voice.”

That, combined with the running around and our son’s assumption that we’re doing boring stuff anyway (we are, but he doesn’t believe that) has helped him fall asleep much more easily. It took a while though - maybe a week and a half (as my son has gotten older, habits have taken longer to form than when he was a baby and a had a shorter memory) or two weeks. But it’s much, much better now, and I don’t have to drag him out of bed the next day.

Edited to add: Is there any way you could cut down on the TV in the evening or eliminate it, maybe moving TV watching to a different time of day, if at all? From what I understand, that can actually wind kids up at night. TV any time other than weekend mornings results in huge discipline problems for us, so TV is more or less outlawed on weekdays and weeknights. But your mileage will inevitably vary.

18

Part of the point of the tickets approach is that no one has to sort out the difference between a real need and a false one - you or her. She is as entitled to burn a ticket for the Aquaphor as for the bug. If she doesn’t have a ticket available in the morning for whatever her treat is, you sympathize that it’s too bad that she had that nightmare and had to use it, and hope that tonight will be better.

19

Does she scare easily? Next time she asks you to come back in, wait a while, then come in dressed as a monster. When she screams, leave, then come in as a parent. She’ll mention the monster, but you pretend you don’t know what she’s talking about but hint that it may come back if she asks you guys to come back. That should stop her from asking you again.

20

While this may help the situation at the moment, it could cause problems down the line. A child’s imagination is vast and when presented with a real-life monster, that monster can easily work into their subconscious and form into a recurring nightmare.

I know this from personal experience as I had a fear of ballet (my sister took classes and while watching those classes I had some traumatic experiences). This fear eventually turned into a nightmare of what my family calls “The Ballerina Man.” I would get beat up by this monster every night for years until I was able to overcome my fear of ballet, so I would not advise to follow this advice to dress as a monster.