Well, hes 3 in April. He goes to sleep at 8:30pm ish fine. Wakes up about 1am, comes into our bedroom and either gets into bed with us, or if that proves impossible then he cries until we’re both awake. Mum takes him back to his own bed, but he then won’t go to sleep unless mum stays with him. Its not practical for him to sleep with us every night. We’re currently being woken up 2 or 3 times a night. Suggestions welcome! Thanks.
I’ve seen this dealt with a few times on one of the Nanny shows. Basically, mom or dad would just keep putting the wee one back in his room, quietly, no chatting or arguing. They didn’t stay with him. It didn’t work the first time or the tenth, but after a few nights, the child learned that mom and dad weren’t going to give in and he stayed in his bed.
Allowing for TV fakery, it seemed to work.
Yup. It could take several days and be a real chore, but never, I mean never allow him to get back in bed with you. He’ll stop trying at some point.
We dealt with this around the time our son turned two, then again a few months ago (he’ll be 3 in May). It involved about two weeks of sleepless nights, but now he’s sleeping in his own bed all night. Here’s what we did both times:
Put him to bed in his room. When he wakes up, take him back to his bed, sit next to it or on the bed and rub his tummy or back until he quiets. Before he falls asleep completely, leave. He would call us back, then we’d repeat it until he stopped. The only thing we’d say to him was a quiet “Shhh” or “It’s sleepy time.”
After a while, we’d just need to come in once or twice a night to get him to sleep. Then we graduated to just standing by the bed and whispering “Shhh” without touching him. Then we graduated to just standing at the door and saying “Shhh.” Then one night, like magic, he stayed in his bed all night.
Of course, when he got sick, he was in our bed for a couple of nights so he’d be near by if he needed albuterol, so we had to do the whole thing all over again, though it took only a few days instead of weeks.
If your son is as stubborn as ours is (he’d scream for hours if we tried to let him cry it out, regardless of how many days or weeks we tried - it just wasn’t worth it), this can be a good compromise. It takes a lot of dedication and patience, but you might find it worthwhile.
Regardless, do what works for you. And don’t let people tell you that crying it out works for every kid or that you’re doing something wrong. Just be consistent whatever route you choose and if you’ve given something a few weeks to work and it still hasn’t done the trick, then consider trying something else. Kids all have different personalities, so it’s reasonable to expect that they require different handling.
Luckily (or unluckily!) I live in a co-sleeping culture and my extended Japanese family thought we were horrifically cruel when we put our kids in their own cots at nine months old.
Both my kids had their own beds/futons from about three years old but even now the eight year old comes into our bed 5 nights out of every 7.
I decided that because my husband in theory supported the “own bed” thing but in practice felt a bit mean about it, that we/he’d be sending conflicting messages, so I always went the route of more sleep and let them in. In defence, I got a king sized bed!
Occasionally if he is kicking too much and I get fed up I will pull him out of our bed and plop him back into his own, but on the whole I value my sleep more than the discipline of it.
The elder one is 12 and he stopped coming into our bed at all by the time he was about nine. The younger one is well on his way to that (well, not getting in with us - the other nights he gets in with big bro but I don’t care cos it’s not me being kicked!!)
Does it disturb your sleep or lifestyle to be invaded every night, or your idea of what a kid should be doing at this stage? Three is still very small and if he isn’t causing a lot of pain (whack, kick!) then could you just let him get his security and snuggles?
There’s plenty of time for nooky before 1am! And I still sleep naked even with 12 plus years of bed invasions!
If you really do want/need to get him into his own bed, then yes, the boring repetition of taking him back to his bed and sticking him back in gently but with no talking or reasoning with him at that hour (maybe a little talk in the daytime before you begin) is the way to go. Take turns each night with your wife so one of you gets sleep at least. Good luck!
Duct tape.
Big rocks to weigh him down.
Locks on the outside of the door.
But seriously, the advice of putting them back to bed, gently but firmly, every time, worked with both our boys. Takes a few nights but as long as you are consistent (and I mean 100% of the time, no matter what), it will work.
ETA- our boys are now 9 and almost 7, and often if they wake up at night, they will come in (the younger one more so), and after a few minutes I’ll either tell him to go back to bed or take him myself. No problem- he just wanted a cuddle!
Actually, thinking about our situation, little boy only comes into our bed when Daddy’s home - husband works away during the week and only gets home one or two weekends in the month. As soon as Dad’s back, zzzzip! Kid in bed with us!
This proves that kids can smell the slightest wavering and know who the sucker in the family is for each situtation!
So get your stories straight with your wife and present a united front, whichever you decide to do!
Hub is very, very bound up with the kids though thanks to his culture. Won’t go on a date without them (no babysitters in Japan anyway but refuses my parents offer when they visit) and feels that anything fun should be a whole family event.
We haven’t had a good bonk session in months thanks to the elder one going to bed later than us at night and little one getting up at the crack of dawn, so this weekend I sent them both out on a shopping errand, locked the front door firmly, and pointed out to the hub, “Look! No kids!” He took gleeful advantage but he was a bit shocked that I’d do such a thing, and literally as soon as he was done, he rolled out of bed, got dressed and went straight out to meet the kids at the shop and bring them home again. Sigh…
Ah yes, the joy of sex as parents! 
My son was about four when we went through this. The solution I eventually came up with was to tell him he couldn’t get in bed with us, because he was just too big, but he was welcome to make a “bunk” on the floor next to the bed. I kept pillows and blankets handy (including big pillows that he could sleep on, so he wasn’t on the hard floor). That worked for him. We went from “Can I sleep with you?” to “Can I make a bunk?” Sometimes, he’d get up and go back to his own bed. Sometimes, he was there on his bunk in the morning.
I can’t tell you how old he was when he stopped doing it, because it was one of those things I one day realized wasn’t happening any more.
Foreplay as a parent = the kids are asleep!
Yeah, and do it as fast and quick as silently as possible or they’ll all be in on top of us!
I guess I’m from a “co-sleeping culture”… Cue the Harry Chapin song: Oh, the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon; Little boy blue, and the man in the moon…
We slept with our three kids until the age of at least 2, and let them come sleep with us at night most of the time. I would carry them back to their beds in the morning so they’d wake up in their own beds, but really, my wife and I enjoyed the closeness. They stopped doing it on their own by the age of 5 or 6.
So I’d go the opposite tack and say, enjoy it while you can! Assuming you have a large enough bed, of course. Kids grow up so fast. The day when they’re only home long enough to scarf down some food, hit you up for some spending cash and ask for the car keys are not far off on the horizon.
You mean they are supposed to have their own beds???
Heh - my 4 year old is almost guaranteed to be in bed with me when I wake up tomorrow morning. Sometimes the 7 year old too. It’s not that big of a deal with me because my SO lives 150 miles away and I don’t have any plans of moving anyone in so I’m a perpetual single mom and they aren’t intruding on anything. I figure if they need me to be comforted in the night and it isn’t waking me up or causing me any problems then who am I to stop something that we all enjoy. Nothing is better to me than when they do that half awake “mommy kiss me alot” murmur and hug - the kiss me alot is their “code” for the funny kiss all over the face thing.
The 7 y/o already doesn’t like me to hug on him while we watch TV together so I don’t mind the sleeping arrangements.
Having said all that, the put them calmly back into bed with minimum distraction and interaction is the best route. It will take a bit of time but will achieve the desired outcome with the least amount of trauma to you all.
For what it’s worth,
I went through a period from about that age to maybe 5 or so where I just couldn’t bear to sleep alone.
The standard routine:
- Dad would lie with me in bed until I fell asleep
- Between 12 and 2 AM I would wake up
- I would go get dad again
- Dad would stay until I fell asleep again
- Repeat until kindergarten.
I don’t remember it being particularly emotional. I have pretty good memories of waking up in the middle of the night, not panicked or anything, just thinking “Well, time to go find dad again.”
I also don’t remember my parents doing anything special to break me of this habit. I just seemed to grow out of it.
I have only one bad memory of that time - I was probably four or so and dad had to go on a business trip. I remember not being able to sleep at all. I remember mom tried to stay with me but it just didn’t work.
We got off easy on this particular problem - the fact that my son’s bedroom was upstairs and ours was downstairs probably kept him in place on a few occasions. He was simply too scared to walk through the house by himself at night.
However, we did have a baby monitor so we heard if he cried out. We kept a comfortable mat on the floor in his room, and when he called for us (which wasn’t all that often) one of us would go upstairs, put him on the mat, and finish out the night sleeping on the mat with him. This meant we lost very little sleep as disturbances were dealt with almost immediately. The older he got, the less often he needed us. We moved when he was 4 and didn’t put the mats down in his new bedroom.
Of course, you are no doubt well aware that the above strategy is completely at odds with most American child-rearing books these days. But in Indonesia, no one thinks twice about sleeping with your kid. You need to do what is comfortable for you and feels right for your child. Forget about the books.
Give the kid an extra blanket.
He might just be cold.
Best piece of advice I got when pregnant with my first- “Your baby is not a book. Do what works for you.”
Hell, yes.
More parents should make time for themselves! Their relationship is the foundation of the family in my eyes. Every once in awhile, (at most one weekend a month, sometimes less), We send the 2 1/2 year old to Granny’s, and the older two girls to a friend’s house. We need our alone time to remember how much we care about each other. Sorry for the hijack!
Anyway, as for the 3 year old and his own bed, count another vote for consistency. Maybe let him cry it out, maybe continue returning him to his bed, whatever works… do it. And keep doing it. IMO children should have a bed of their own always. But I hate sleeping with kids, I don’t much like anyone in the bed with me (my SO never moves in his sleep, it is bliss). I really don’t want kids in my bed!, they kick and flail and talk! Gah! Good luck Herge!
I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. The eight year old co slept until he was about 3 and then it was HELL moving him to his own room. He would come to our room sometime in the night until he was about 6 and now only does so if he has a nightmare. The 5 year old never co slept but still comes into my bed if he wakes up during the night, any time he wakes up is fine with him (he’s also a terrible bed hog) but I figure he’ll stop soon.
It doesn’t really bother me, however, if they get in bed with us during the night so, sorry, no advice.
Not sure why I posted here. Hope that was helpful!
I co-slept with the Hallgirls on and off. The then-husband hated it and threw a fit each time he’d wake in the morning and a Hallgirl was in bed (on my side), so I made a pallet on the floor for whomever would show up in the middle of the night. However, as soon as the then-husband became the ex-husband, the bed was open again. Gradually, they both stopped.
Hallboy on the other hand…he co-slept every night until he was around three. He’d go to sleep on his own, in his own bed, but then would come into mine sometime during the night. It was one of those things that I realized he was no longer in my bed when he was a bit older than three…
It doesn’t last forever and one day you’ll turn around and he’ll be nearly 6 foot and almost 15…