I had fun with a similar thread last year, so with no further ado, the first 12 rules. Please add your own.
First, you must learn how to pronounce Newark…It is New-erk, not New-ark.
(Actually, it’s pronounced ‘NORK’.)
The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the Garden State Parkway it’s 105 or 110. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy.’
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Monmouth County , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
Never honk at anyone. EVER. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey . Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit “more exciting”.
Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.
Mapquest does not work here – none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do. And all the Turnpike EZ pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been ‘accidentally activated.’
If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
Do not try to estimate travel time – just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
Follow these simple tips and you should make it through the day alive in New Jersey…
13A. All so-called “left” turns will be made via jughandles. If you wish to turn left, move into the right lane where you will be merged with crossing traffic. New Jersey has removed the left turns for your convenience and safety. The “No Left Turns” sign you see every now and again is in effect for all intersections, all of the time.
13B. Rule 13A will be superseded only where a modern intersection with a green left-turn arrow has been installed. New Jersey has replaced the jughandles with left turn lanes for your convenience and safety. These new modern intersections are installed anywhere that out-of-state drivers remember to move into the right lane in accordance with rule 13A.
Traffic circles were designed around the “merge or die” principle. When entering a traffic circle, do not slow down. When driving around a traffic circle, do not slow down. When leaving a traffic circle, do not slow down.
At no time while driving in New Jersey will you know where actually you are, except between exits. If you ask, you will receive a random answer generated from: a) actual town, which is not on any map; b) township; c) school district; or d) county.
To make your location needs even more exciting, we’ve named multiple things the same name. To whit, if you “find” yourself in Ocean, it could be Ocean, the town, the township, the county, one of two school districts, OR the actual ocean.
Rule #15 or 19, as you approach Elizabeth, NJ always ensure you either have nose plugs or the Air conditioning on with recirc. Once you drive through Elizabeth once, you will know why this is a highly recommend rule of How to Drive in New Jersey.
To make sure you know you are in New Jersey, the two biggest highways have been named New Jersey Turnpike and Garden State Parkway. Any chance that non-natives will confuse the two is entirely made up for by the fact that you won’t forget you’re in New Jersey. They had to do this because you can pump your own gas on the interstate service areas, so that method of reminding is out.
Interstate 95 enters a Bermuda Triangle like space in New Jersey. You cross the Scudders Falls bridge, continue north on 95, and it becomes 295 and heads east, turns south, eventually dragging your confused ass all the way to Wilmington, DE via the Delaware Memorial bridge. You can also get onto 195 from 295 and head east through the middle of nuttin’ until reaching the GSP, or the ocean.
If you really, really want to go north on 95, you can use route 1, or route 130, or if you went east on 195, you can go north on the Jersey Turnpike, or route 9, or even the GSP, because they all kinda come together around 287, and now that your map looks like an origami kitten, there’s 95 again, ready to take you on a scenic tour of the Bronx.
If you missed all of that and end up near the Tappan Zee bridge, turn right, cross the Hudson, and continue until you reach Rye. Have a drink of rye, and you’ll be back on 95, having missed the Bronx.
Do not try to repeat the above in reverse when going south. It will not work.
Continouse roads and very rare in New Jersey. People will say “take Central to Cambridge” without mentioning that Central stops at one point and continues two roads later. You drive a lotta loops in New Jersey.
Most continous roads are very very long and change names in the middle. “Take Grand to Engle” means to continue on Grand through PalAve until it becomes Engle.
When stopping at a traffic light or any intersection, be sure to leave some distance between you and the car in front of you. You don’t want to be boxed in during an attempted carjacking. Most NJ residents already do this instinctively. Whenever driving with someone from out of state, it always surprises me when they stop directly behind the car in front, with little maneuverability to escape.
On Saturday, with the kids in the car, it came down to fart jokes of course.
We also specialize in highways that make strange U-shape loops. 287 and rt 36 come to mind immediately.
When coming down from NYC via the George Washington Bridge & Rt95, in can be a challenge to get on the NJ Turnpike and thus continue on I-95. Many a hapless traveler have found themselves on Rt 80 or even heading back toward NYC.
Just because a map shows two major freeways in New Jersey intersecting doesn’t mean they actually do. Be prepared to turn off of one, wander around through small towns for a while, and eventually see one tiny, well-hidden sign indicating your entrance to the other – 20 feet behind you. Which cannot be entered from the other direction.
And if by chance you do finally figure out how to move from one freeway to the other without getting lost? Be prepared for road construction to start on the first one to dump you out in an unexpected location, causing you to begin the learning process all over again.
Also, there is one exception to the one tiny, well-hidden sign rule: Occasionally there will be simultaneous signs pointing to both left and right exits to get to the same place. This is designed to cause you to drive down the middle of the freeway cursing at top volume trying to figure out which one gets you to where you want to go. Actually, they both do, but by the time you realize this, it will off course be too late.
