how to escape Catholic school

A friend of one of my friends wants to get out of her Catholic school and go to my friend’s school. Simply begging with her parents will probably work, but in the words of my friend, “we were trying to come up with something more creative, like vomiting in the holy water” or pretending to be possessed by the devil.

Please understand that no offense is meant by this. It’s intended to be all in good fun.

So, please help us write the Top 10 Ways To Escape Catholic School*. Thank you.

*perhaps more, perhaps less

One day, come to school dressed as a Cardinal and excommunicate yourself in the lobby.

I got out of Catholic school (in the 50s) by being a right pain in the ass. According to my mother, what really hacked the nuns was that I would sit there doodling pictures of airplanes or suchlike, and when the teacher fired a question at me I’d look up, answer said question, then go back to doodling.

(Actually, I didn’t know this until years later. If memory serves, I was in all other ways an absolutely conventional Catholic school pupil—never got in fights, never sassed the Sisters, kept my place in line, prayed on request, etc. But this drove 'em nuts, it did. They considered it “disruptive.”)

Finally the principal called my father in and told him that my attendance was no longer desired. So, I got out of that Catholic school; but where I ended up was in another Catholic school. A Catholic military school. Run by nuns. . . .

Moral (if any) of the story: don’t wish for something too hard. You might get it.

Going by my high school classmate’s example, I recommend coming in wearing your father’s tie then tying that around a convenient desk and hauling it behind you in protest of current social issues (I recommend pro-choice and gay rights as two ideal topics).

Become a Blues Brother.

Quote Dogma any chance you get.

Put roller skates on a Buddy Jesus statue and tote it everywhere.

Sing “Every Sperm Is Sacred” during hymnals.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Blasphemy is tiring. Say hi to the Penguins for me.

My first reaction to the OP was:

“If you can get out by just asking your parents, why bother pissing everyone off?”

Boy, am I getting old… :rolleyes:

Back in 1917 or so when she was about fourteen, my paternal grandma ripped the wimple off a nun. It worked. She never went back to that school or any other. YMMV.

Draw those neat little “Devil stars” on any of your text books.
Or, well anything!

Ask if you can sign up for Alter Boy Molesting 101 and how you can get extra credits.


Anyone else got a mental image of a bnch of nuns, with blacked out faces and rag tied around their head rambo style, crawling through the jungle armed to the teeth?

Nuns Vs AntiChrist II (This time it’s sacrilegious)

I got out when my parents got divorced. That’s probably a little extreme in your friend’s case, tho. Maybe these will work.

  1. Come dressed as a priest, and get your classmates hitched. Bonus points if they are the same sex, or if there are more than 2 of them. Double bonus points if your friend is female.

  2. Memorize and use all of George Carlin’s questions he asked of the nuns; “Sister, if God is all-powerful, can he make a rock so big that even he can’t lift it?”

  3. Go to school dressed as a very pregnant nun. When asked about it, casually mention that the father is the bishop.

Tell your parents that you just love that nice new Father McFeely who gives candy to all his special kids.

Ok, what tou basically need to do is get your friend expelled for stuff that his/her parents cannot really give out to him/her for. Luckily, it is easy to be an idealogical irritant at Catholic school. I speak as somone who spent 14 years with the nuns…

Getting kicked out of school for skipping class or badmouthing the teachers will only give your friend trouble at home, being a “troublemaker” might get him/her into less trouble, depending on the parents. Suggested activities include:

Start a school branch of Amnesty International, focus on issues such as female cicumcision, persecution of gay/bi/trans people, the treatment of the prisoners at Guantanamo. Promote pro-choice causes. Get a tatto or piercing. Read up on various bible issues and then argue them passionatly and informedly, for example get yourself a load of cites or ammo on the theory that Jesus and M. Magd. had it going on, etc. While none of these activities will look bad on a college application, you probably won’t have long left at catholic school.

[homer]Three simple words: “I am gay”.[/homer]

Why does your friend want to leave? Is it a bad school? I’m just wondering (and I’m biased, I guess, since I am a Catholic school teacher).

In the past at our school, people have been kicked out for selling drugs, vandalism to school property, and not pledging the flag. (This last example, actually, may have just been the last straw for a kid who had done lots of other stuff.)

I know these aren’t the funny types of answer you’re looking for, but hey, your friend could sell some drugs, couldn’t she? (No, I am not advocating this.) :slight_smile:

And no, you don’t get kicked out of Catholic school for being gay. At least not at this school. I can’t imagine why that would be grounds for expulsion.

My husband tried to get out by marking “no” on the “Will you be enrolling next year” form they sent around every Spring.

It would have worked if he hadn’t used an orange crayon–but he was only 5 years old at the time.

(Actually it did work. His mom decided this showed a significant level of discontent and moved him to public school the next year.)

After eight years in the local girls-only catholic school, I was thankfully transferred to a public high school. Joy of JOYS!

While my salvation came from my parents being tired of me coming home crying from how fucking MISERABLE I was every single day … I can appreciate your cause … so …

a) Read up on the subject of Jesus’ “brothers and sisters” - there are many (MANY) quotes in the bible that mention this nasty little subject … and nuns do NOT like to discuss it. Become the local scholar on the subject … and be able to quote word and verse … i.e. MAT 1:25 And knew her not <bold>until</bold> she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS.

b) Circulate a petition to start a new club in the school, “CGFFC - Catholic Girls For Free Choice” or “NPTWP - No Peace Till Women Priests” … be sure to be the first to sign the petition … and never forget to write “RETURN TO XXX” at the top with your name in bold.

In all truthfullness … very little will get you kicked out these days … short of violence or drug dealing. Too many lawsuits, you know … :slight_smile:

Trust me,

She will never be out of Catholic school.

It stays with you forever.

Boy, agreed here. It’s taken me many many years to shake off the horrors, and I still wake up in a cold sweat some nights. You never really leave.