How to gently re-ground my children in reality: SCA dopers opinions wanted.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Ok, so I’m looking for advice.

My ex-wife and I used to do SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms). We loved it. It was great fun to watch the fighting (or actually fight, in my case) and then spend the night drinking and carousing.

We divorced some years ago, after we stopped doing it.

Recently my ex has resumed her SCA going, and brining two of my children along. My daughter is 12, and my son is 10. They seem to have fun, and enjoy it. I can understand that, there’s a lot of cool stuff to see and do.

My concern is that my kids are going to end up being the type of SCA folks I don’t particularly care for. Allow me to explain:

The SCA is fun. There’s a lot to do, and alot to learn. However, there is a goodly percentage of the folks that do this that pretty much focus their entire life on it. They go by their SCA name all the time, and everything they do in life is geared towards or focused on the SCA.

My middle son the other day was talking about playing diablo at the Highness’s house. When I asked their names, he didn’t know. He just called them “Their Highness’s”, and thougth they were actually a Prince and Princess. We gently explained that they aren’t actually royalty, they are normal people like everyone else and not special.

How can I talk to my wife about this? She’s the sort of person that during eventing season, her whole life will be focused on doing SCA.

My ex went to an SCA haunted house for Halloween, to the exclusion of taking the kids trick-or-treating, much to my oldests annoyance. Her quote: “It’s like the whole world revolved around this SCA thingy.”

I know there are a goodly number of SCA Dopers, and I’m sure there are folks with ex’s involving their kids in hobbies and such one may not approve of. So I’m asking for advice on what I can do or say to help my kids out… they can’t talk to her directly about it, she won’t listen.

2

Wow. 118 views, and not a single reply. Gotta be a record.

I can practically hear the SCA folks trying to figure out if their local pricnipality folks play Diablo… :smiley:

3

Do you have shared custody?

The easiest way to ground them in the “real world” (former SCAdian, former RenFester, former SF Fen - though I was never serious about any of them because I got scared off fast - but I know what you are talking about), is to show them the real world. On weekends you have them, take them skiing. Or swimming. Bike riding. Minigolf. Have a movie marathon of all the Indiana Jones movies. Camping - without anyone in “garb” but the sort of hiking camping SCAdians would find alien. Do “normal” things “normal” families do. Let the kids know that they are always welcome to bail on Mom’s things and come spend time with you. Course this only works if you are all local.

They may decide that what they really want to do is devote all their spare time to SCA (their Star Trek ship, writing the complex rules for their role playing game, leveling their WoW character and seven alts) when they grow up - but you can take consolation in two things 1) that you exposed them to choices and 2) that they aren’t Furries.

4

If they go to regular school, then they have a pretty good idea what the real world is. The other kids at school will do more to keep them normalized than anything else. I’d show an interest in their friends and make sure that there was room in their lives for non-SCA friends. If I was going to say anything to my ex about it, I’d tie any comments on participation in the SCA to concerns for them making friends, keeping in touch with relatives, and/or keeping up with schoolwork.

Cause if they’re not having trouble with any of that, then the SCA is just a hobby. If they have other interests, though, you could encourage them. That might open up discussions on the kids hobbies vs Mom’s hobbies.

5

I always found the technical/practical side of SCA more interesting than anything else (well, except maybe the wenches). Blacksmithing, armor craft, etc.

Based on the comments from the oldest, it sounds like the best thing you could do to ensure they’re not interested in doing it as a lifestyle is let your ex keep trying to force it on them.

6

Rule #1 is, of course, don’t say bad things about the other parent to your children.

The middle son’s comment about just calling them Highnesses doesn’t seem odd to me. To a lot of children, adults are defined more by their function than by their personhood. Although he does seem old enough to grasp the difference between really holding a title and SCA. But OTOH how relevant is any of that to the typical 10 year old boy? I’d take it more like him saying “We went to play diablo at some friend of mom’s. What’s her name? I dunno.”

Also, if the daughter is a typical preteen, she will be happy when everyone’s world seems to revolve around her and whatever her thingy is.

Unless you feel the kids are being neglected in some meaningful way (like left unattended for long periods of time) my take is that you should try very hard to make sure you are not projecting resentments you may have of your ex and the SCA.

Although I have only known SCA folks casually, after the divorce my mother was the queen of strange pastimes, much much stranger than SCA. If your ex overdoes it, your children will rebel and be thoroughly modern/ postmodern/ futurist adults.

Still, I see absolutely nothing wrong with the advice above to make sure you expose the kids to a variety of other interests when they’re with you. That can only be a good thing.

7

They are special. As special as 22nd degree Masons or even several landless dirt-poor scions of minor Royal houses in Europe. In other words, special in their own world, otherwise- not so much.

Let them have fun. Badmouthing will make you look bad.

8

Thank you all for the advice…

Yes, one of my written in stone rules is that the children will never ever hear my badmouth their mother, or the choices she makes.

My concerns are mostly founded on the fact that I only see the kids during the summer, and alternating Xmas and Thanksgiving. Ugh.

I guess I just worry more than I should. I remember what the ex was like in the SCA, and I worry that that behavior hasn’t changed, even though the kids are present. That’s a whole other issue, I suppose.

Thank you again, for the good words.

9

So…SCA, is that kind of like a dungeons/dragons type thing? Are you saying that you’re afraid your kids will become the obsessive, otaku types?

10

I am reading this thread with interest, as I am an anime fan and it looks like the Princess is becoming one as well. However, I do want to keep her grounded in reality, and to know that intergalactic princess, ninja and Sailor Senshi are not viable career options. :wink: I want to get her involved in sports, and she also wants to attend tap and ballet class later this year. I agree with the other posters that a choice of activities should be offered to these kids, and to other children whose parents are heavily involved in a particular hobby. This is how children are able to develop their own identity, and not consider themselves an extension of their parents.

11

Not really, it has a historical basis, and many involved in the SCA eschew Fantasy. You can read an article about it here. I’ve never been involved in the SCA, but I have a friend who likes to dress up and go to the festivals.

12

My credentials: My husband and I are active in the SCA. We have three children ranging in ages from 16 to 5. We attend many events per year, some for a week or more at a time.
Now, my kids bow to the “hats”, serve at the feasts, attend classes, and participate in crafts, but they also have very active mundane lives. It helps that our “household” in the SCA is very close knit so we see each other without the costumes, regalia, or coronets probably more than we see each other with them. My five year old already knows that mommy is Juliana when she’s in her garb, and Beth when she’s not. My five year old also knows enough to ask people at events if “that is their SCA name or real name”. My older children view it as participatory theater, good fun, and a chance to eat out at restaurants on the way to or from an event.

Children take their cues on how to view an event or situation from the adults around them. If you can talk with your kids about the events they attend, just work in small cues about the play-acting of it all. When I speak with my children I don’t talk down to them by saying “you know they’re really not a prince or princess, right?”, as much as I gently cue them to the reality side of these folks’ lives by saying,“Oh, you liked His Excellency so-and-so. Did you know in real life, he works at a university? Yep. He’s really an English teacher! His wife Lady Blah-and-blah is a dentist. Isn’t it neat that we get to all have fun together in this hobby?” and so forth. I always make it plain to my kids these all the people have jobs, houses, and bills to pay -just like we do when we take off our garb and go home.

13

Just ask your wife what “mundane” activities your children are involved with. She should be able to come up with some for each child. As a whole, I think the SCA is a terrific place to stir a kid’s imagination. When they are ready to rebel, they will probably let her know. Isn’t it a little early for that? Encourage your older kid to talk with her mother if she is unhappy about the SCA.

I’m sorry that you have to be away from your children. That must be tough.

14

I’ve been hittin’ guys with sticks in the SCA for a quarter century, but it’s a weekend hobby, like golf or fishing. I’ve known people who let it dominate their life (or substitute a fantasy for having a real life), but most SCA’ers are fairly well grounded in reality. I’ve known a lot of kids who grew up going to events, but they usually take it in stride as one of a number of different things to do, largely thanks to their friends from school. (I did know one SCA family with the kids home-schooled, and the whole family almost seemed to live in a self-contained fantasy world.)

A lot of times, the kids lose interest in the SCA, or rebel by avoiding it as much as possible. I really wouldn’t worry about it; just make sure you do different kinds of stuff when you’ve got the kids, and that they’re exposed to different choices. They’ll make up their own minds. (And if they get an enthusiasm for studying real history, I certainly wouldn’t discourage that.)

15

This is important to remember. In the geek hierarchy SCAdians have got to be at least equal to LARPers (probably higher) which means they are at least two geek levels above furries.

What do you mean that doesn’t console you? Bah, at least I tried. :smiley:

16

When you’re with the kids, involve them in the fun, interesting things that you do!

17

Definitely. If the SCA is something your daughter just doesn’t want to do, Mom may be willing to let the child spend that extra time with you while she treks off to the events.

Incidentally, at first I read Zoe’s post as “Entourage your child…” and I thought- No kidding, playing entourage will disillusion you fast on the whole fantasy/fairytale feeling in the SCA. :eek: :smiley:

18

Probably higher? That hurts.

19

Watch it mister, or they get dropped down to the level of 'Trekkies who get married in Klingon garb".

20

Tristan, unless your ex is the woman they modeled Lady Tudor Glitz after, you are just making too much of this.
Childhood is the time for a little fantasy.
Puberty, adolescence & adulthood will be along all too soon, to destroy their sense of wonder.