How to Get an Arizona Drivers License in 2 Hours in 20 Simple Steps

  1. First, one week ago, show your Kansas driver’s license to a UK client who remarks “Did you know this expired a year ago?” D’oh!

  2. Decide not to renew it until May, when you have more than 4 hours in town to do so during working hours.

  3. Arrive in Arizona for an important meeting that you can not miss, and go to the rental counter. Act surprised when they tell you that your license is expired, and that you have a better chance of playing pick-up-sticks with your buttcheeks than renting a car with an expired license.

  4. Social engineer the rental car people into having someone drive you to the nearest Arizona DoT office for free.

  5. Show up, and convince the First-level Expediter that you are indeed worthy of getting a quickie AZ driver’s license. Do not be afraid of her intense scowl of disapproval. Convince her that she really does not want to argue with you about it, when it is so simple just to give you a line number and get you out of her hair.

  6. Take a vision test. No big deal.

  7. Convince the Second-level Expediter that no, you don’t have your Passport or Social Security card or Birth Certificate, or notarized photocopy of any of those, but you shouldn’t need those silly things just to get a quick driver’s license, right? After all, your credit card and Delta Frequent Flyer card should suffice, right? Try not to faint while you smile.

  8. Receive a number. Note that 40+ people are ahead of you. Make a quick call to Fierra as you have a panic attack.

  9. Finally, get called to see the agent. Tell an elaborate story telling how you let your license expire because you don’t drive, and/or have been out of the country a lot, and will most likely be staying in AZ, and give your company’s branch office address in AZ as your home address. Try to make this part sound convincing. Add lots of irrelevant, rambling detail, so it doesn’t seem planned-out (“I’m so glad it’s not raining here - it rains every day in London. And the food here is so much better too - they just can’t make a good Chorizo Burrito in the UK…say, do you like eggs too?”)

  10. Convince the agent that your expired, out-of-State, badly faded and crinkled driver’s license is all the proof you need of identity. Try to morph your face so it looks like your license.

  11. This is important - when they tell you that you will need to take a practical usage exam with an instructor on the road, do not panic! Convince the agent that you do not need to take the practical exam. This takes about 3 minutes of talking, social engineering, and finally, sad pleading.

  12. This one is much harder - convince the agent that you also do not need to even take the written exam, as this whole thing should just be a simple process - almost like renewing a library card, right? (“And I looked at the booklet while I was waiting, and it’s laws are exactly the same as Kansas - say, is that your daughter? How old is she? Boy, she’s going to be a heartbreaker when she hits 16…”) This part takes about 5 solid minutes of negotiations.

  13. Convince the agent to move you to the front of the line to get your license photo taken, as you must get to your hotel for this meeting, and might be fired and homeless in 48 hours if she doesn’t. Try to look tired, abused, hungry, sad, and defeated.

  14. Convince the agent that no, she does not need to keep and destroy your current, expired, out-of-State license, as you think “Kansas may need it for something”.

  15. During this entire time you must be in “saleswoman mode” - smile a lot, make lots of small talk, be courteous, and use all the Jedi Mind Tricks in your powers to direct the agent’s will to follow your own…

  16. Get your license - note that it does not expire for 33 years. Walk outside. Jump up and down and yell in celebration. Kiss your new AZ driver’s license.

  17. Call Fierra again.

  18. Call the rental car company, convince them to come out and pick you up for free, and deliver you to your car.

  19. Get in the car, and drive 85 mph to make it to your hotel in time for your meeting tomorrow.

  20. Relax. And smile a lot.

See? Easy. :eek:


Nice. Way to go.

I’m in awe what can I say.

I always thought you were one of the cooler posters here, but this, man, this just clinches it.

Sounds like a long day. 'Grats on making the finish line.

Just curious, did you give them a Kansas address?

Impressive. Most impressive.

Seriously, that’s the sort of industrious application of bullshitting skill that makes me proud to be human. Whatever your company’s paying you, it’s not nearly enough, because while most companies pine for someone who is merely competent, yours has in its employ a super-duper badass.

Damn, Anthracite, you are incredibly cool.

That is probably one of the coolest lines ever. I cannot wait to have children so that I can inform them that they have a better chance of playing pick-up-sticks with their buttcheeks than going out to play before they finish their homework.

Aw, thanks guys! I impressed even myself, but I was terrified inside. Even though I was, even I will admit, fantastic - I still was on the verge of crying. Grace under pressure evidently.

The honest truth is - if I did not get this license to fix my screw-up, there was a good chance I would be in serious trouble at work. As in - find new career type of trouble. This important client had gone to a lot of trouble and expense to set up this meeting, and it could have been bad. Thus, I was inspired to new heights of bullshitdom.

Fierra was also online with another Doper at the time, trying to find any way I could get to the client’s site (a loooong ways away). I was desperate enough to pay anyone who could drive me there $1000 cash to drive me the 250 miles and back. It was that serious.

beatle - no, no KS address. My company has an office here in AZ, and will forward all mail to me. And in case it is ever a problem, I will just renew my KS license too next month like I planned. I see myself as obeying the spirit of the law… :wink:

frobozz - thanks! I wish I could take credit for the line, but it is a close paraphrase from the movie Trains, Planes, and Automobiles*. I do love to use it. :slight_smile:

Well, it wasn’t me she was online with because I would have offered to help you out! And you wouldn’t have had to pay me either. I always say I need to get out and see more of Arizona now that I live here :wink:

But you got it worked out … and with an amazing display of skills. I am impressed!

But the burning question remains:
Now that you have an AZ license, can you get an AZ CCL permit? And then with reciprocity…perhaps KS?


Mrs. Pluto can do this sort of thing (although even she has never pulled off anything this spectacular) but I am the absolute polar opposite of whatever personality type has this ability. If the license examiner told me to go stand on my head in the corner for half an hour I’d stay there forty-five minutes just to be sure I got it right. This is why I live in a cubicle and communicate mostly with data files. Not only am I congenitally unable to schmooze anyone, I am the world’s most gullible mark for being schmoozed. I might just as well walk around with a big red bullseye painted on my forehead, with a sign on my back that reads, “Kick Me!”. If I ever met up with you, Anthracite, I’d probably end up paying you $1000 for the privilege of driving you 250 miles.

Pluto’s version:

  1. Show driver’s license to sixteen-year-old waiter at restaurant, who remarks “Dude! Your license is expired! And you weigh a LOT more than it says here!”

  2. Panic.

  3. Go to DOT, expecting to spend all day there.

  4. Sit down and wait for two hours.

  5. Notice everyone else has a number and you don’t.

  6. Find the machine that dispenses numbers. Get a number.

  7. Sit down and wait for another hour.

  8. When number is called, go to the counter.

  9. Discover you have taken a number for the wrong line and you have to start over. Sheepishly comply.

  10. Get the right number. Maybe.

  11. Wait another hour or so.

  12. When number is called, go to the counter. Counter person says, “Is this really you? How did you gain so much weight?”. Learn that a new license will cost $24.00 and they don’t take VISA. Realize you don’t have any cash or your checkbook.

  13. Go home defeated.

  14. Try again a few days later. Repeat steps 3 thru 11 – including steps 4 thru 9.

  15. Give the intimidating person at the counter your old license and $24.00. Cash. Exact change. Meekly await further instructions.

  16. Listen to the counter person remark that “you sure haven’t lost any weight, have you?”

  17. Learn that the waiter misread your license and that it does not, in fact, expire for two more years.

  18. Wallow in the depths of humiliation.

  19. Decide to end it all. Go to Big K-Mart to buy a gun.

  20. Sixteen-year-old clerk at gun counter asks you for your drivers license. You comply. He remarks, “Dude! Your license is expired! And your weight is way off!”