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First, one week ago, show your Kansas driver’s license to a UK client who remarks “Did you know this expired a year ago?” D’oh!
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Decide not to renew it until May, when you have more than 4 hours in town to do so during working hours.
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Arrive in Arizona for an important meeting that you can not miss, and go to the rental counter. Act surprised when they tell you that your license is expired, and that you have a better chance of playing pick-up-sticks with your buttcheeks than renting a car with an expired license.
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Social engineer the rental car people into having someone drive you to the nearest Arizona DoT office for free.
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Show up, and convince the First-level Expediter that you are indeed worthy of getting a quickie AZ driver’s license. Do not be afraid of her intense scowl of disapproval. Convince her that she really does not want to argue with you about it, when it is so simple just to give you a line number and get you out of her hair.
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Take a vision test. No big deal.
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Convince the Second-level Expediter that no, you don’t have your Passport or Social Security card or Birth Certificate, or notarized photocopy of any of those, but you shouldn’t need those silly things just to get a quick driver’s license, right? After all, your credit card and Delta Frequent Flyer card should suffice, right? Try not to faint while you smile.
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Receive a number. Note that 40+ people are ahead of you. Make a quick call to Fierra as you have a panic attack.
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Finally, get called to see the agent. Tell an elaborate story telling how you let your license expire because you don’t drive, and/or have been out of the country a lot, and will most likely be staying in AZ, and give your company’s branch office address in AZ as your home address. Try to make this part sound convincing. Add lots of irrelevant, rambling detail, so it doesn’t seem planned-out (“I’m so glad it’s not raining here - it rains every day in London. And the food here is so much better too - they just can’t make a good Chorizo Burrito in the UK…say, do you like eggs too?”)
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Convince the agent that your expired, out-of-State, badly faded and crinkled driver’s license is all the proof you need of identity. Try to morph your face so it looks like your license.
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This is important - when they tell you that you will need to take a practical usage exam with an instructor on the road, do not panic! Convince the agent that you do not need to take the practical exam. This takes about 3 minutes of talking, social engineering, and finally, sad pleading.
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This one is much harder - convince the agent that you also do not need to even take the written exam, as this whole thing should just be a simple process - almost like renewing a library card, right? (“And I looked at the booklet while I was waiting, and it’s laws are exactly the same as Kansas - say, is that your daughter? How old is she? Boy, she’s going to be a heartbreaker when she hits 16…”) This part takes about 5 solid minutes of negotiations.
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Convince the agent to move you to the front of the line to get your license photo taken, as you must get to your hotel for this meeting, and might be fired and homeless in 48 hours if she doesn’t. Try to look tired, abused, hungry, sad, and defeated.
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Convince the agent that no, she does not need to keep and destroy your current, expired, out-of-State license, as you think “Kansas may need it for something”.
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During this entire time you must be in “saleswoman mode” - smile a lot, make lots of small talk, be courteous, and use all the Jedi Mind Tricks in your powers to direct the agent’s will to follow your own…
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Get your license - note that it does not expire for 33 years. Walk outside. Jump up and down and yell in celebration. Kiss your new AZ driver’s license.
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Call Fierra again.
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Call the rental car company, convince them to come out and pick you up for free, and deliver you to your car.
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Get in the car, and drive 85 mph to make it to your hotel in time for your meeting tomorrow.
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Relax. And smile a lot.
See? Easy. :eek:
