How to get therapy

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m doing this by voice typing. It hurts my hand to try and type with my right hand. However, my left hand is useless to type because it’s shaky.

I went to therapy for a while, but all the guy did was tell me all the stuff I should do that my friends told me the same thing. He didn’t tell me why I can’t do those things or try to help me figure out why I have trouble doing those things. I think I need more than just a counselor. I don’t know how to go about finding something else though. I do have insurance for mental health, I’m not sure how to access it. If someone could give me some guidance I would appreciate it. This voice typing isn’t bad, but I really miss typing by hand because it’s easier to think about what I want to say.

2

I’m no expert. But does your county have a mental health clinic? They might be able to lead you down the right path. They’ll definitely understand your insurance.

It would be listed under County Health department. Whoever answers should direct you to the right place.

OTOH. You need to be kinda clear what you are faced with. Depression, anxiety, in need of medication. You need a diagnosis. Your medical doctor may be able to help you choose a therapist you need. My experience is they are usually pretty understanding if you tell them you are suffering with something mental.

3

Do you know if the person you were seeing was using a specific method? CBT etc? There are different types of therapy you can try depending on the issue. Sometimes it can take some shopping around.

Can you describe the issues you’re having, whether you think it might be depression/anxiety or something else? When you say you’re having trouble doing the things, what are the things and what does that look like?

Also, are you in the US or somewhere else?

4

Beck, the therapist I was seeing was from the county. He was a nice enough guy but it was more like chatting with my friends or coworkers than actual therapy.

Spice weasel, I don’t know what kind of therapy that he was supposed to be practicing but it was pretty pointless for me to go there. I believe that I have depression and some anxiety. It has worsened lately because my adult daughter and her entire family live in my house and they trash my house. I really can’t even sit in my own living room anymore because it is such a mess. It’s gotten worse lately because of my broken hand I can’t keep up trying to clean up behind them. We now have a roach infestation which I’m sure I could get rid of if they didn’t leave such squalor around. He kept telling me the counselor, that I should tell her to do so much laundry everyday I should tell her to pick stuff up I should tell them this and that. I’ve done all that they ignore me. On top of that they use my car because they lost their car. And guess what they trashed my car too. I’m ashamed to take it into a drive-through. So yeah I would like help figuring out how I can deal with this without being told yeah tell him this tell him that. When I’ve already told them this and that and I can’t seem to make any of it stick and I can’t seem to do the do whatever needs to be done to stop it. The best thing would be for them to move out, but I don’t know when or how that will ever happen the housing situation right now is difficult. I think I could really use a psychiatrist or psychologist help me get over whatever block there is that’s stopping me from figuring out the situation. I don’t know what else to say it’s hard to do this talk to text but this is the best I can do. I’m ashamed to have to admit that I’ve got bugs, but I know they’re the sort I could get rid of if we could get the house cleaned out. I can’t even have people in the house because I would be ashamed for anyone to see it. So that’s my sad story. I didn’t really want to go into a lot of details, but why the heck not?

5

You’re among friends here. I remember you talking about this situation before.

6

Ok.
Brutal time.
Get them out. Hook or crook.

It’s a them problem, not a you problem.

I know it’s a hard truth. I know it won’t be easy, grandkids and all. But, you’ve got to do it.
You have just got to.

I bet they’ll buck up and survive.

Therapy won’t fix this.

7

I saw a therapist for a while, a few years ago, when I was dealing with depression. Both my PCP, and she (the therapist) both said that going to see a particular therapist for the first time is kind of like speed dating: not every therapist’s style is going to fit what you need, or what you’re looking for – and if that therapist isn’t right for you, there’s no harm nor shame in discontinuing with them, and seeking another one.

(That said, I have no idea if there are other therapists available to you from the county.)

8

My thoughts exactly.

9

Sylvanz - Let me tell you a story. My sister was a single mother with two kids. My parents bought her a house, subsidized her and the kids, my sister worked intermittently. It went on this way for years. My father would go to her house and literally cry because it was in such squalor. My father died, my mother remarried, and one day got a citation from the city that the house was a nuisance, with codes violations. She found out that my sister had actually moved into a weekly motel rental because she’d let the house get unlivable. The day all that happened, she had a massive stroke that nearly killed her then, and a followup stroke that did kill her a few years later.

You aren’t doing your daughter and family any favors by supporting them. My mother cut my sister off the gravy train, and eventually she ended up on disability. She lives quite meagerly now, but independently. She’s not going to win any housekeeping awards, but she’s not as bad as she was. I really think that if my parents hadn’t enabled my sister, infantilized her all though years, she would’ve gotten better sooner, and she would’ve been happier overall.

Get them out. The housing crunch isn’t your problem, they are.

StG

10

I remember your husband has serious health issues.

Put her, her husband, kids and dogs in the car drive them to the nearest homeless shelter. The shelter peeps will sort it out. Husband may have to go to a separate men’s shelter. Dogs may go to a animal shelter. If she doesn’t climb up and out they will put her kids in a foster home and she’ll get booted to the street.
Maybe then she’ll wise up. Get on some services that won’t let her get away with making excuses. Get some training and then a job and try to get her kids back. If husband is still around and working they can reunite.

Every family has issues. All people have personal failings.
Your daughter and family are using you. TO YOUR DETRIMENT. And probably your sick husbands.

Does she receive services from the state for the kids? Do they have Medicaid? Does she have a social worker?

You may have to report her. You will come under some scrutiny about the house and your husbands illness. They’ll give you time to clean stuff up, the first time.

I know you’ve said you don’t like conflict. Your daughter knows this. That’s why she’s there, Still. She’s sure you won’t ever say leave.

It was possibly a year ago when you had another thread about this. I think you said they had some sort of employment. Where’s the money going? No rent, no expenses of any kind. I bet you’re feeding and clothing all of them.

Get them out.
It’s the only answer.

(Please please tell me there’s NO addiction issues with her and her husband)

11

Probably. Every now and then it just leaks out.

12

This is why I didn’t want to get specific. I simply won’t throw them out. They do help with my husband, and my son-in-law pick me up off the floor when I fell and broke my wrist. They do give me money when I ask for it. My daughter has a tendency to borrow money for me and not pay it back unless I nag her to death. My son-in-law will pay me back every penny he owes and give me my change back if he wants to store for me. So they aren’t a total waste of space. However, I really wish they would learn to pick up after themselves. I’m not even asking them to do specific housework just pick up after themselves. And no I don’t feed and clothe them, they do that on their own, but instead of washing clothes every week so they have pools ready they wash a couple of outfits for the next day or if they have money they go buy some more. Which leaves piles of clothes all over the house.

And really they aren’t the only reason I’m depressed they just making it much worse. I sleep all the time, I spend most of my wait time in the bedroom with the curtains closed. I’ll spend a little bit of each day sitting with my husband, and make sure he eats, gets his medication, take showers, Etc. I used to read all the time but I can’t bring myself to do that anymore either. It seriously is not all my kids fault but goodness is she making it worse.

Not to put too fine a point on it but I will not make my grand kids homeless or put them in an iffy foster care situation.Some weird “typos” giving up on fixing them all.

Oh, I know I open myself up to all kinds of advice when I post here, but I really was trying to figure out how to access real therapy. I can get the kind of advice that my ex counselor gave me here at work or on the phone with my friends. But it’s not really what I’m looking for and it’s not really what I need.

13

Ok. I’m sorry I was brutal now.

But chaotic situations and living conditions can only make the depression worse.

You’ll do your grandkids no good sitting in a dark room sleeping. Or enabling their Mother. Yes you’re enabling her.

You won’t be any good to anyone if you have a bad mental health breakdown and end up in a psych ward for 30 days.

I really am sorry. I like you. I find you pleasant to read. And you seem intelligent. I hope you get some help

14

You should realize they aren’t going to start picking up after themselves.
I hope you do get some quality therapy.
Do they get therapy?

15

One of my kids is a psychiatrist. This is what they tell people when they are asked about finding a credentialed, licensed therapist or psychiatrist. It is the most highly rated referral system in the US. Just plug in your city or zip code.

Don’t be surprised when most of the listed providers offer virtual sessions. That’s really helpful if you live in a rural or underserved area.

16

Thank you. I will check that out. It’s exactly what I was looking for.

Beck: No problem. I know I’m enabling het I minored in psychology, but it’s been a long time and they don’t teach you how to navigate insurance etc. I like tou too, and I try to write legibly? Anyway, Hubster is in bed so I can’t use talk to text, so imma’ trying to save my hand. Oh,full disclosure: I didn’t finish my minor or graduate, but i was only a handful of credits shy.
finish my minor or graduate, but I was

17

Rest that hand.
We get it.

Most clinics have an insurance office to help you navigate. But you know this.

Make an appointment. Go there and tell them at the desk you have insurance. I’m sure they’ve seen it all.

Don’t let that stop you from going.

18

In the Psychology Today listings each therapist lists the insurances they take (click on the ‘view’ button on the right side).

The other approach is to call the customer service number on your insurance card and ask them which therapists are in their network. I find the Psychology Today listing to be more up to date and helpful.

19

TL; DR: use the Psychology Today and your insurance company’s list to find people who will take your insurance. Email, call, and fill out web forms until you find someone.

I’m afraid this is going to get long, so I’ll try not to ramble and digress.

I have a great deal of sympathy for you and your living situation. Mine is somewhat similar, with people who can’t keep the house clean, but I also can’t kick out. The mess hurts everyone’s mental health, but there is no way I can fix it on my own, and they won’t help.

From what you describe, it sounds to me like depression. You are going to have to take care of yourself before you can really do anything about your family. That situation is not helping you, but getting yourself into a better mental space is going to be the first step.

Finding a therapist is hard. Not “one you click with” or whatever, but just one who is able to see you and takes your insurance. You almost certainly want a psychiatrist as well as a therapist, which can be even more difficult. In some states some psychologists may be able to prescribe drugs, and chemical and talk therapy are probably both necessary.

So, how to find one. As said by others, the Psychology Today site is a good place to start. Also go to your insurance company’s website and they should have information on finding a provider. Cast a wide net.

You may find many of the therapists all have the same address. That may be a clinic, or it may just be a set of offices they share. Do web searches and map searches on the address or phone number. That seems to be the only way to find out sometimes.

If it’s a clinic, they probably have an intake administrator you can talk to. That person is likely to tell you they aren’t taking your insurance anymore, or aren’t taking new patients, but there is no way to know until you check.

If it is individual therapists you may have to contact each of them, or they may share admin staff.

Repeat this process in rings moving out from where you live. Go as far out as you’re willing to travel. Put your name on wait lists. Hopefully you will find something sooner, but it’s good to have eggs incubating. Ideally you can find a combination of therapists and doctors who can talk to you and get you on medication that helps.

You may have to contact a dozen or more places. Keep notes, as the names will all blur together.

If that is not working out, or just seems too daunting (it is; I in no-way joking believe the insurance companies deliberately make it harder than necessary), contact your primary doctor. Tell them you think you are depressed, and you need some help. Be sure to be realistic about the danger, because that may change how they respond, “I don’t want to hurt myself, but I just sleep all day and hide” or “things are bad, and I might do something.”

My primary care doctor has the ability to refer to temporary mental health services. These will be people who can help while waiting for some of those eggs to hatch. I do not know if yours will. Your PCP might just offer you a script for Wellbutrin, and move onto the next patient.

Anyway, good luck. Long, complicated, and discouraging tasks are exactly the kind of thing people suffering from depression are bad at, so if there is anyone you can trust to do the legwork, get help with the process of finding someone.

20

Just a pro tip from someone who’s been around the block. If you’re not willing to change the situation there’s one other way to stop suffering from it, and that’s to think about it less. Think about things that would bring meaning to your life and focus on those. Give yourself, say, fifteen minutes a day to think about this stuff, and every other time you see your mind starting to think about it, gently redirect to something that brings you meaning.

This is a specific therapeutic technique called metacognitive therapy. You’re probably going to want something CBT or ACT oriented. The next time you see someone I would make it very clear you’re not willing to remove your daughter’s family from your house, but you are interested in techniques for coping with it better. If they keep pushing you to throw her out, they’re not listening to you and they aren’t a good fit.

It sounds like you’re doing a lot of ruminating which is why I recommend that technique of thinking about it less. Rumination is strongly associated with clinical depression. The brain thinks if it just ponders and angsts enough for a solution, it will find one. But it won’t. If you haven’t thought of a solution within about ten minutes of thinking, you’re probably ruminating.

Only once you stop ruminating will you get your head clear about what needs to be done. So I recommend you find a therapist who can be your partner in that process. Someone who can help you think differently about the situation or at least spend less time thinking about it.

This is why I asked you specifically what the problem was because the type of therapy I would recommend is based on the issue you’re having. The obvious to everyone answer is throw her out, but the fact that you’re not going to do that needs to be respected. Okay, now what? Now we look at better ways to cope.