How to help my fiance with body issues?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Every since we started dating, my fiance has made vague comments about how he’d like to start exercising and lose some weight. He is a bit overweight, but not drastically – he has about the same body type as, say, Seth Rogen a few years ago. I am happy with him however he looks (although I am slightly worried about his health –he is 31 and his father died of a heart attack in his forties). We eat out about once a week, but we both try to cook healthy meals when we are at home.

In the past week, he has seemed much more mopey (for lack of a better word) about his body. Usually when he seems to be feeling low about his body image, I try to compliment his shirt, or grab his bottom to start snogging, or something to else signal that I fancy him physically. That hasn’t worked in the past few days; yesterday he was saying sadly he didn’t fit into an old shirt any more, so I started singing “I’m too sexy for my shirt” to him, but that just made him look even more upset.

I’ve had a bad bout of cystitis for about 10 days that is still clearing up, so we haven’t been able to have PIV sex, and I think that might be a contributing factor. We’ve had other kinds of sex, but he always looks extremely disappointed when I say I’m not healthy enough for penetrative sex yet, and he has trouble reaching orgasm doing other things.

The sex thing should be resolved within a few days, but I’m trying to figure out what the best way is to boost his body image and also help him get a bit healthier in the long term. I don’t “exercise” much myself, although I walk enough to stay reasonably fit, so I’m worried saying something like “Hey, we should go for a jog together sometime!” will read as “You repulse me, lose some weight, fatso!” Although I am worried about his health, he has seemed extremely embarrassed whenever he talks about it, so I think bringing that up myself would also just make him feel worse about his body.

We’re getting married in November, and he’s talked vaguely about wanting to lose some weight for the wedding, so I have been thinking about using that as a short-term goal for both of us to get into more healthy habits, which then would hopefully continue after the wedding.

2

If he’s like me, and it sounds like he is, expect this to continue for at least the next twenty years unless he gets some real help.

3

Could you guys get a gym membership, and then go together? Or try couch-2-5k or something? Doing something as a pair will give it a better chance of sticking. While a positive body image is important, it sounds like he actually is overweight, and maybe actually could use some of this energy to create positive change.

4

I will take a different direction here. Personally, I am a life long exerciser as in heavy daily exercise for the last 45 years less some brief time out for surgeries. Everyone stresses exercise for health and proper weight. There surely is something to burning some extra calories. But I think it’s a myth that exercise retards the appetite. In my case it increases the appetite. I need the calories. You can’t encourage people to exercise. If they are not interested, it just becomes nagging. Everybody feels guilty. Further, you need to exercise too much to lose a few calories that can easily be eaten and absorbed. The secret with people who don’t like exercise is to work on the intake of calories. You say you eat healthy when at home. Respectfully, I disagree or his weight would come down. Stress more vegetables and less grains of any kind. Absolutely eat no packaged cereal. Buy natural products if you can, but in any case avoid products with more than basic ingredients on the label. While the FDA does have a GRAS list, there is no research on the combination of so many ingredients like the stabilizers, coloring, and so forth. My layman’s opinion is that those things alter the metabolism negatively. Encourage walking or simple things if the opening occurs. Maybe you two could join a nearby health club and work out together. I’ve never done that. It might make him feel more discouraged to see others in fit condition and it might make your eyes wander too. Bottom line:Stay home and eat healthy food in smaller portions.

5

I agree that when I want to lose weight, dieting works better than exercising. When I use energy, I stay hungry and eat more. The way that I drop weight fast is by counting calories.

6

Exercise might help him feel better about his body, though. I’ve never had to lose weight but I definitely started feeling a lot better about my body when I realized that it could do a lot more than I thought it could. I’m no marathon runner but I always was one of those people who hated gym class…but when I started running I felt a lot better about myself in general.

7

A lighthearted and non-nagging approach is definitely the way to go. Also keep in mind that big, sweeping changes almost never stick - small, subtle, incremental changes tend to become part of the routine.

Wrong: “Let’s go for a walk, honey - it’ll be good exercise.”

Right: “Hey, honey, I’m gonna go for a quick walk. Wanna come with?”

Subtle difference, but I’ve found it to be a powerful one. The key is, either way, whatever he says, you go for your walk.
The only other suggestion I can think of is to visit a local farmer’s market together. The Other Shoe and I eat a fair amount of crap, but when we go to a FM, everything looks so bright and fresh and colorful, and we kind of impulse buy, and now suddenly there’s a fridge full of fresh produce and it encourages us to experiment with it. A nice side effect is that we’re then eating healthy, kind of without realizing it.

8

Yeah, I agree with everyone about exercise and appetite but I agree with what Freudian Slit said more. If you are somewhere where you can safely ride a bicycle, this might be one of the best investments you could ever make. The key is to somehow find an activity that is good exercise but is also fun to do. That goal might not be easy, I admit. But if you can do that, you’ve got it made.
Cycling is good for your whole body and a low impact pursuit.

Best of luck to the both of you! :slight_smile:

9

The wedding seems to be the perfect opportunity to set as an objective to get in shape for - completely reasonable thing to say so it won’t be seen as being pushy about his weight / fitness. Slow and steady weightloss is the best IME, so you don’t need to go crazy - your fiance could drop a stone, say, over the next 6 months without any need for diet misery, plus increased fitness from exercise etc would make him feel great.

10

I’d never heard the myth that exercise reduces appetite – what an odd idea!

I’m not convinced that eating less without including any calorie-burning component at all is an effective way to lose weight healthily, but if there are any Science Facts supporting that, I’d be glad to see them.

I think we do eat fairly well at home, and are happy with our balance of “tasty healthy food” (home) and “delicious nice restaurant food” (out once or twice a week). We don’t eat much processed or prepared food, as we get a fresh veg delivery every week. For example, last week’s dinners consisted of: lean ham sandwiches with lots of salad (Wednesday), grilled chicken sandwiches with oven chips (Thursday), grilled salmon with spinach over rice (Friday), Bavarian sausages and pretzels at a beerhaus (Saturday), burgers at a barbecue (Sunday), and grilled vegetables over couscous (Monday). (Looking over that, our oven grill sure gets a workout!) We really enjoy restaurants, and I don’t think it would be good for the relationship to cut out one of our favorite couple hobbies.

But I think we could keep an eye on portion sizes, and things like snacks –we go through a bag of crisps every week or so, and our favorite treat is a Bounty bar, which we also have maybe once a week. I’m not sure going “NO CRISPS EVER!” would be very productive, either, though.

I like the idea of proposing going for walks together, especially as the weather’s been getting nicer in evenings. He’s been a gym member before, although he said he has a habit of joining, going for a month or two and then falling out of the habit and cancelling his membership. So maybe if we joined together and kept each other going, it would be harder to let the habit slide (and contrary to Al Bundy’s opinion I certainly don’t think either of us will be picking anyone else up there!).

11

Has he gained a few pounds lately that you haven’t noticed, but he has? I ask because you mention that he said his shirt doesn’t fit anymore.

Anyway - your weekly meals look quite healthful and balanced - how much beer/alcohol do you and he drink? Cutting back on that could be a very easy way for him to drop a few pounds and have a bit more energy to join you for your walks.

Regardless, it’s good that you’re being supportive - I’ve dated bigger guys in the past and I think sometimes the weight is hard to deal with, particularly if you’re smallish (e.g. perhaps he feels if you’re small and he’s big, you’re not going to be into him anymore).

12

I had a realization a few years ago that I’m just no good at self-directed exercise. I need a class or a situation where there is somerone pushing me to work harder. I stopped judging myself as lazy and carrying unrealistic expectation for my self-motivation and started looking for a solution I could afford. I decided to take up karate, and I told my husband he could come with me if he liked.

He did choose to join me, and we have both really enjoyed it and kept up with it for a couple of years now (he is actually my senior now in rank). In addition to exercise it has provided a social circle – and I go to meditation class when I get a chance, and find it interesting. It’s true that running would be cheaper, but the thing you will actually do is more effective than the thing you won’t.

So I would consider a specific class where you learn a new skill, over generalized “working out.” It’s more fun and easier to actually get up and go when there is a specific place you’re supposed to be. Plus you get to try something, which is stimulating to the mind and that makes the “exercise” time pass more pleasantly.

13

These are all good suggestions (and I agree that exercising CAN reduce appetite, but it may take a while before that starts happening).

But it sounds like there’s more going on here than just his weight. I’d venture that he’s having some body dismorphia issues. Diet and exercise might help, but I think what he might really need is a change in his outlook, possibly with the help of a professional.

14

I’m sorry for being harsh, but this guy sounds whiny. It would drive me crazy listening to a partner who kept complaining about about wanting to change but never doing anything about it. I think you’d be justified telling him that you’re tired of this pattern, and it’s time for him either to exercise to try to feel better about himself, or get counseling to try to accept himself as he is. And if he says no to both, then you have your answer: this is how he is.

Frankly, I see a red flag in the fact that he’s not sympathetic about your health needs and instead guilt-trips you about not being as sexually available as he wants you to be. This sounds immature.

15

I’ll say right here that this is extremely important: portion sizes. How much are you actually eating? You’ll gain weight from grilled vegetables and salmon if you eat too much of it.

16

He’s not really complaining at all, I’m just picking up on his body language and unhappy attitude from the less-than-half-dozen times he’s mentioned his weight in the past few months. I wouldn’t call it a “pattern” in any way, just something I have noticed my partner seems bothered by that I want to help him feel better about.

I’m not sure how you got that he is “unsympathetic” about my health – he’s always very supportive whenever I whine about being in pain, and has never said anything disparaging or guilt-tripping. I’ve just noticed he looks disappointed, but he isn’t pointedly going “WELL I’LL JUST SLEEP OVER HERE BY MYSELF THEN” or anything!

17

I’d stay out of it. If he comes looking to you for reassurance, I’d tell him that you love him, you’d love him no matter what, but it can’t be your job to make him feel better about himself. If he wants to talk about diet and exercise, I’d suggest he start doing research and talk to his doctor.

Then, if he makes changes, I’d be supportive–no encouraging him to cheat, or complaining that he won’t eat this or that with you. I’d compliment his behaviors when they are genuinely impressive. If you want to go exercise, I’d invite him, and if he invites you, I’d go if you want to, but not if you don’t. I’d listen when he goes on about this or that, but I’d listen in a “yes, dear” way, the way I would when he goes on about whatever hobby is important to him and neutral to me.

What I would not do is let food, diet, exercise, or weight become emotional issues in my relationship. If just leads to meals being guilt-laden power struggles, and that can take a long time to overcome.

Trying to manage your spouse’s diet and health is like trying to manage their career: really, it’s up to them, and trying to take responsibility for it will frustrate both of you.

18

OK, and I apologize. I read too much into what you wrote. Just don’t lose sight of your own needs in your concern about him.

19

I lost about 40 lbs. a few years ago on Jenny Craig, with no significant exercise regimen although I walk a lot. Here’s what I learned:

  1. Eat throughout the day. I have a banana every day as soon as I get up. When I was dieting I ate another piece of fruit mid-morning, a very light lunch, a handful of nuts or something mid-afternoon, a smallish dinner and one or two 100-calorie packs of sweet or savory stuff

  2. Portion control. If you’re still hungry after you’ve eaten your allotment, you’re allowed to have as many portions of vegetable as you can stand.

  3. Two is better than one. It’s hard to resist junk food when others are eating it. This may be an excuse for SecondJudith to say she would like to diet and would appreciate her fiance joining her.

  4. Split restaurant meals. I found that two of us could split one meal and still fill up. This is in the U.S., where portions tend to be ridiculously large, but formerly we were each eating 80 percent of the meal–reducing this to 50 percent saves a tremendous amount of calories

  5. Weigh in. One of the things about Jenny Craig is that you check in weekly with your counseler and get a weight reading, followed by a discussion. Perhaps because I’m male, I didn’t need the discussion, but my then-wife needed to talk through her issues. I found the weigh-in to be a motivator., especially as I saw a downward trend over a period of several weeks.

Since I rarely drink alcohol or sugary drinks, that was not a lesson I learned, but I think it’s important to say: don’t waste your calories on liquids.

20

It’s not a myth, but it also isn’t true for everybody. I’ve found that I generally feel less hungry on the days I exercise. Exercise will help with weight loss (and adding more muscle mass will help you burn more calories), but the bottom line is you will not lose weight unless you have a calorie deficit.

In the last few months I’ve lost 25 pounds mainly by watching what I eat. We generally eat healthy food, but were eating way too much of it. Paying attention to portions has been the biggest factor and I’ve noticed that setting a good example for my boyfriend has helped motivate him. I was pushing him to eat less and exercise more and that just led to him getting defensive and stubborn. Once I backed off and started doing things right for me, he noticed the progress I’ve made and started getting interested in making changes for himself.

Set a good example for your fiance, talk to him about how taking care of yourself makes you feel and maybe he’ll join in without feeling pressured or like you’re judging him.