How to introduce an insecure wife to the idea of female friends

In My Humble Opinion
41

This is a really difficult situation to be in, and I’m somewhat in agreement with earlier posters who are telling you that you have been a contributer to this problem by allowing your wife to get away with this jealous behaviour.

My husband works as a writer and often attends writing events which are of little interest to me. Many of his writing colleagues are female and I have to admit at first I felt some apprehension about the relationships he has built with these women, but then I checked myself and realised that was just my own insecurities. I’ve now adjusted my thinking and don’t have this issue any more.

I’m a bit surprised at those earlier posters saying if you know so much about this person, it must be because you have a romantic attraction to her. I know so much about my colleagues and can assure you I have no romantic attractions to any of them! It’s just the nature of some workplaces that people share a lot of personal information with each other - it helps the time pass on slow days and it helps the team bond.

As an example, when I first started working at my current workplace, I got on really well with my closest colleague. We had a lot in common, most particularly that we both played World of Warcraft. This then developed into a friendship between my husband, me, him and his girlfriend based on our shared interest of things sci-fi/fantasy. We don’t see so much of each other any more due to changes in circumstance, but I stay in contact with his girlfriend via email/IM.

I’m afraid I don’t have any good advice for you, but I do wonder how good your relationship is right now…

Has this actually happened? Has your wife started a fight because of another woman looking at you funny? Does that not strike you as controlling and abusive?

42

All this may only mean you have further to fall. Getting married pretty much unavoidably changes the nature of all your other relationships. In some cases, it makes those relationships difficult or impossible to sustain, without damaging the relationship of the marriage. That’s what all that serious language in the vows was about.

43

Again, the nature of the relationship is important, even key.

I have absolutely no problem with my SO hanging out with old college friends or work buddies.

But what you are describing, with it progressing so quickly and the level of “OMG, Me TOO!!!” sounds like one of two things- the kind of best-friends-forever crush that pre-teens develop, or a real life crush. I would be wary, always, of spending too much time with someone who seems to offer you what your SO isn’t. If you want to keep your relationship, you need to figure out how to fulfill those needs in other ways, or fix your relationship so those gaps are covered. By filling them all with a lot of one-on-one time with just one other person of the opposite sex, you are setting yourself up for at the least an emotional affair. We all need friendly companionship, and not all of us have an SO that provides that. But its much safer to spread that need fore friendly companionship among a group of friends or with someone of your non-preferred sex, rather than developing a relationship that intense with a single other woman.

44

Yes and I believe you are the perfect husband because you say so :rolleyes:
Your friendship with the pudgy woman is inappropriate. Concentrate on your “bombshell” bipolar wife.

45

Ok, plant drugs in weapons in BFs car, then drop a dime on him. Invite your GF over to talk about it with your wife. Tell GF about wifes insecurity and that she should constantly compliment wife on her good looks. Tell wife GF actually has a crush on her. Get them both really drunk. Thank me in the morning.

46

It’s nowhere near that black-and-white. Can your (hypothetical) wife tell you who you can have sex with? Can your wife tell you she doesn’t want your ex-felon drug-using friend in your house? Can your wife tell you she doesn’t want you getting lap dances at a stripper bar? There are all kinds of things on this spectrum, and each couple has to figure out where they are on it.

You can tell yourself you weren’t having an affair, but you’ve pretty much described a textbook emotional affair.

Agreed. It’s not all about, “You can’t tell me what to do!” It’s about what is best for everyone in the couple and the relationship itself. Some people are friends of the marriage; some people are not. Each person and each couple has to figure out who is and who isn’t, and go from there.

47

If your work friend’s SO recently got out of prison, they (as a couple) are also going through some changes.
You have learned that her SO has a problem with her and a guy pal, and that he is potentially violent.
Could it be that your work friend was looking for someone who could come to her rescue, should the SO turn his anger into violence against her?
In this case, you may be getting set up for a whole lot more drama than you have bargained for.

48

The first problem I see is not the friendship with the other woman, but the way you see yourself and your wife: your wife is insecure, but you are the perfect husband. Urgh. Perfect people are impossible in a partnership:

  1. Perfect people don’t exist in real life. If you think you are perfect, then it usually means you can’t accept criticsm.
  2. If one partner is or thinks he is much better than the other, of course it will lead to insecurity, and to envy. This will poision the relationship.

In other words, if one partner is on a pedestal, the other will get a pain in the neck from staring upward. That’s why it should be a partnership, where both are equal.

That doesn’t mean that you both have the same interest - you can be better at video games and computers if she’s better at singing in the choir. As long as you both feel competent in your hobbies and neither devalues the other’s choice (computer geek - dumb blonde), both can be self-secure.

If your wife is really bi-polar, suffering from a serious mental condition, then you need to work on it - both of you, she with therapy, you with assisting her. This isn’t the time then to go out and spend time making new friends.

On top of that, the alarming sentence is in the OP

In other words, she’s the ideal partner. What does your wife offer in terms of similar interests? (If nothing at all, why did you marry her at all?)

Since this is problematic topic, the best way would not be to break it to your wife, but to put the friendship on ice and work on improving the relationship with your wife. If the friend at work is only a friend, she will understand it. If not, she’s already invested more in it then would be good.

If you need a friend to talk to, get somebody who’s above board and whom you both trust - an older uncle, aunt/ grandparent, a minister, her friend from work (Does she work? What hobbies does she have? Does she have any opportunities to meet people on her own?) Maybe there’s a support group. Or ask the therapist (she is seeing one, yes?)

49

I’m surprised no one has asked this yet (did I miss something?) but it seems to me that one key question is: what do you mean by “friend”? Or rather, what is it that you would like to do with this woman that you aren’t already doing?

Do you want to occasionally go out for lunch with her on a work day, primarily to discuss a project you are both involved in?
Do you want to have a drink with her right after work before heading home?
Do you want to go to a museum, sports event, etc. (whatever reflects your mutual interests), just the two of you?

There is a huge difference between the first and third options. Without knowing what “together time” you want from this relationship, I can’t comment on its legitimacy.

I’m also wondering why you think you need to sit your wife down and have “a talk” about this. If my husband did that to me, and the topic was “I have a female friend at work” I would be sure a divorce was right around the corner. Wouldn’t it be far better to mention this person naturally when you are discussing your work day:

“Bob, Jen, Linda, Hal, Frank and I went to lunch today; can you believe it, Linda puts salt on her bread just like I do. Everybody else at the table teased us about it.”

“Remember last year when I was so bummed that I was sick and couldn’t go to the jazz festival? Linda and I were taking a coffee break during the strategy meeting, and she said I shouldn’t feel bad - she went and it was a huge disappointment.”

“Wanna rent The Descendants this weekend? Linda seems to like the same kind of movies I do and she thought it was really good.”

Of course, if suddenly everything is “Linda this” and “Linda that” your wife will (understandably) not be happy. But I don’t see why you can’t make your wife aware that you get along well with a female colleague, without blowing it up into a huge deal.

50

This says it so well. The worst kind of cheating is the emotional kind, making connections, which can lead to other things–and this fits the bill.
The guy is pissed because he’s not stupid.
Apparently, neither is your wife.

51

This thread is nuts. I can see who in the thread is likely to be insecure already based on who is saying that the OP is obviously headed toward an affair with his friend.

52

I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’ve known tons of things about my co-workers in my places of work before, too. My current place not so much and I keep it that way because I am at least 3 decades younger than the average person in my department, and insane and racist Vietnam veterans and I don’t have much in common. But I used to work at Trader Joe’s and I knew a ton about the personal lives of my female co-workers and all that meant was that we were pals, and also after the store closes and we have to prep for the morning crew, that talking about random crap helped us stay sane.

I think simply knowing a lot about a co-worker and being friendly is not enough evidence for any emotional cheating. I believe the OP is being reasonable, his bipolar wife is the unreasonable one.

53

I don’t know what the statistics might be, but I’ve seen affairs start, and marriages end because of circumstances like this. Of course the insecure wife is contributing to the situation by causing emotional stress in her husband. And while either of the parties may have innocent intentions, it doesn’t guarantee everyone involved does. I’ll add that I have had close, but platonic relationships with women, so it’s not a direct route to marital infidelity.

54

OP, is your wife’s mental illness under the control of medical supervision, or is she just free-ballin’ it (so to speak)?

constanze said everything I want to say. Go back and read that again.

55

Besides being bipolar, I wonder why your wife is insecure? Does she see you flirt while you two are out? Does she see a side of you that you are not telling us here?

I do agree it sounds like you are heading down a street that you probably should not take.

56

I think it shows self-esteem to trust your instincts.

57

I think it boosts your ego.

Are you so short of friends that you have to make a big deal out of someone with similar interests, even though it pees off your S.O. and the woman that you’re totally not interested in’s S.O.

And lastly does your ego reall, really need massaging that badly ?

Bragging is usually an expression of lack of confidence and/or low self esteem.

You could well end up very alone and lonely.

58

I think the reason people are reacting this way is that he hasn’t said one positive thing about his wife except for the fact that she’s hot–something she herself has no control over, and so something he probably doesn’t really respect her for. On the other hand, he seems really surprised to find how much he likes this new girl. He at least gives the appearance of being the type of guy who married the hottest woman who would have him because he thinks that’s the point of marriage: it’s a game where the man with the hottest wife wins. Friends, on the other hand, are for hopes and dreams and fun and sympathy.

If he’s that guy–and I’ve known that guy, or, more often, that boy–then his wife is right to be jealous. Eventually he will figure out that there can be a whole lot more to marriage than what he has now: either he will quit thinking that “most beautiful” matters, or he will meet someone who is both beautiful and a friend. Either way, he will realize that what he has is weak sauce compared to what he could have.

This may not be true, of course. He may not be that guy. But his fixation on the relative physical attractiveness of the two women suggests a particular type of thinking about the function of relationships.

59

Or it could be that people are aware that many marriages end in divorce, and one of the most common causes for divorce is infidelity, and just saying, “La la la, that will never happen to us” doesn’t quite deal with reality.

60

This post just sent a chill down my spine.

First the OP’s situation and his attitude sounds exactly like mine some 14 years ago. I too thought I was the perfect husband ruining the curve for everyone else.

I finally got a divorce because I came to realize exactly what Giraffe’s post describes.

I don’t care who you are. You can only take so much of walking on eggshells and doing doggy tricks to makle your SO feel “secure”. Everyone has a breaking point.

Listen, love is a gamble not a guarantee. Does the OP’s wife want to take that leap of faith or not?