How to jazz up an unimpressive resume'

Let’s say you’re wanting to produce a resume’ that will get you a high-paying, low-pressure, cushy job with a window office, your own computer, keys to the restroom of your persuasion and a personal parking spot.

Only trouble is, you never really had any work experience beyond minimum-wage or backbreaking jobs.

How do you rephrase what you did so that it sounds more “impotent” to “da man” when you get it down on paper?

We need names for these less-than-graduate-school-required occupations:

Burger flipper
Grocery bagger
Changer of tires/oil/wiper fluid
Paper boy/girl
Delivery driver for pizza or other fast food service
Greeter at Wal-Mart or similar emporium
Hooters mannequin

Please note that the intent here is not to denigrate one’s employment. Rather it is to elevate the sound of the employment to the point of allowing it to qualify one for that corner office.

If you feel your job is in the community of the ones listed, or if you can think of others ways to make a living that don’t sound all that impressive, by all means identify what it is and then “jazz up” its name.

“I’d like to be harder on my employees, but really I’m just an old softy.”

Burger flipper - Nutrition reversal technician
Grocery bagger - Food service containment advisor
Paper boy/girl - Information distribution manager
Greeter at Wal-Mart - Public relations professional
Yardboy - Professional landscaper
Hooters mannequin - Hooters mannequin

Burger flipper
Applicance and Food Quality Control Manager

Grocery bagger
Personal Assitant in a Fast Passed Environment

Paper boy/girl
Early Morning Courier Service Man/Woman

Delivery driver for pizza or other fast food service
Evening Courier Service Man/Woman

Greeter at Wal-Mart or similar emporium
Information Kiosk and Door Man/Woman

Landscaping Manager

Hooters mannequin
Tips Assistant :stuck_out_tongue:

Nicely done.


When I used to do job searches, now and then I’d turn up a position for a “vacuum engineer”. I thought it was a tongue-in-cheek title for a janitor, but it turns out there really is such a professional as a vacuum engineer.

Odd that my first impression would be someone involved with chrome on bumper hitch or golf ball and garden hose. But that’s just me, perhaps.

You want a surefire way to jazz up a resume? I got one suggestion for you: glitter. Lots and lots of glitter.

Yes, but his job really sucks.

Burger flipper - Thermal nutrition engineer
Grocery bagger - Dry goods containment technician
Changer of tires/oil/wiper fluid - Automotive safety technical specialist
Paper boy/girl - Information distribution technician
Delivery driver for pizza or other fast food service - thermodynamic sustenance specialist
Greeter at Wal-Mart or similar emporium - Business-to-public interface technician
Poolboy - Exterior Chlorochemical Engineer
Hooters mannequin - Silico-American public expert

Instead of “Lawyer,” I usually put “Whorehouse Piano Player.” Makes a more positive impression.

Oh good grief, just lie, everyone else seems to.

For a few months I was a petroleum redistribution engineer.