How to kick everything's ass...

First off, you need a bad ass lawnmower. After all, this isn’t rocket science… I’m going to tell you how to kick everything’s ass… This lawnmower needs to be three things: 1) very powerful, 2) self-propelled, and 3) very heavy. I suggest the lawnmower I have. It is a Craftsman 6.75 hp self-propelled mulching behemoth made of steel. If you’ve got a riding mower, that’ll work even better. Second off, you need to be very clumsy on a day when using the mower.

Put the two together (bad ass lawnmower and being very clumsy on a day when using the mower), and you’ve got all the makings for mayhem. I suggest trying things like mowing your garden hose, a golf ball, and the electrical cord that supplies power to your garden lights. I also suggest setting your mower too low so that when you mow the yard, you burn the crap out of it (remember, the goal here is to kick everything’s ass).

Make sure you make good use of the self propelled portion of the mower too. This in combination with the mower weighing about 2.543821 tons will provide momentum enough to break plastic garden hose guides, and a garden light (try this one in combination with mowing over the electrical cord mentioned above). Also, try running into the side of your brick house with the powered wheels of the mower, thus rendering the powered wheels motionless (again, remember, we are kicking everything’s ass here… while we are at it, let’s kick the mower’s and the house’s asses too).

O.K… we need an “Ass Whoopin’ Checklist”.

Garden hose… check
Golf ball… check
Electrical chord…check
Yard… check
Hose guides… check
Garden Light… check
House… check
Mower… check
Yourself… Huh???

Oops, we forgot to kick your own ass. As you push this 2.543821 ton mower through the remaining tall grass, arch your back just a little too much, and feel the pain.

That should about do it. Just follow the instructions exactly, and you will have kicked everything’s ass when you are done.

A self-propelled, gas-powered roto-tiller kicks ass that mower can’t touch.

Buried gas and phone lines,
'taters and carrot,
shatter paving stones,
chop the shit outta the edge of your sidewalk,
uproot the foundations for your deck,
wreck the pool filter,
chase evil Nazi groundhogs.

Now that’s ass whoopin’!

Or you can just do what I do and let rip a really funky-smelling fart.

You forgot to mention day and time. 6:00 Saturday
morning ought to do it!

I prefer driving through East Los Angeles around 2 AM blaring Hank Williams from my pickup and waving a confederate flag. Want some serious ass kickin’?

ChiefScott

Man, I just GOTTA get me one of them roto-tiller things. That sounds like it’s right up my alley.

Did you do all o’ dat ass whoopin in one day? I did all o’ mine in one day (what a dum ass). I think that the only bright spot of yesterday was that when I mowed over the golf ball, it bounced around under the mower for a second (loud), and flung out at high speed. It hit my house about 4 inches to the left of a very large window. That counted for fun for me yesterday… not breaking a window… weeeeeee!!!

I had never really done any damage with a lawn mower before, so it looks like all of my bad luck caught up with me all at once. Man… I guess I was clueless yesterday.