How to kill evil Nazi Groundhogs

Factual Questions
221

I live in Texas, and we get our fair share of varmints, including 20-pound gophers. The farmers in these parts like to hire the locals to come out and shoot gophers, rabbits, burrowing owls, moles, feral hogs, and just about anything else that is being a nuisance. While you may kill 100 gophers over the course of a day’s shooting, on several acres there may be a thousand more, multiplying day-by-day.

While we do enjoy picking off varmints, it does no good for controlling them. We have been contracted to try whatever means possible to get rid of the nuisance population. It seems that feral hogs and large gophers are the worst in this area. Poisoning killed a few hogs, but these creatures are very smart and learn that if one of their kind dies in a particular area, the whole lot of them moves on to other property.

The best short-term solution we came across was flooding. We would wait until after a heavy rain when there would be several feet of water standing in the bar ditch and use a commercial sump pump with a high output and a long, wide hose to fill the burrows with water. With a good pump, this might take a couple of hours. Just keep pumping the water until there’s no more.

With the water filling the burrows and no gophers coming out, it’s obvious they have high-and-dry pockets in case of flooding. This is where a pneumatic soil packer comes in handy. A pneumatic soil packer is similar to a jack hammer except not so violent and is much heavier with a large steel foot that jumps up and down, compacting the soil and collapsing the gopher’s air pockets at the same time. You use this device around areas where you find covered-up holes and tunneling near the surface. As the air pockets collapse, the gophers will retreat to the nearest exit, which should be covered by a couple of cinder blocks. Unable to escape the water, they will drown, pups and all.

We have cleared many fields of big gophers using this technique. Another option, if the field is fallow, go rent the biggest steamroller you can find and roll over the field. This too will collapse the tunnels and air pockets, crushing them in the process. You can rent steamrollers at heavy-equipment rental stores (at least we can here). For any gophers that escape, have a few buddies with deer rifles and/or assault rifles to finish them off.

Recently, after hearing about a “groundhog vacuum” someone designed, we took several vacuum motors from an old abandoned car wash and built an enclosure on the back of a pickup. We mounted 3 vacuum motors to the top of the enclosure and sealed it up tight. We then attached a very large (12" diameter) heavy-duty hose to the pickup, started the motors, put the end of the hose down a gopher tunnel and waited.

After 10-15 minutes, we began hearing the thuds of gophers hitting the inside of the enclosure. It seems when they get caught in the vacuum, they ball up, hoping the menace will pass, but instead end up being sucked into the enclosure where there is no escape. Though these varmints are skiddish and wary, they are also curious, and when they see one of their comrades go flying by, they come out to look and get caught up in the suction themselves. DOH!

The first time we tried this, we captured 78 gophers in the enclosure, all alive, all scared to death. They ranged in size from 1/2-pound pups to a couple of 18-pound monsters (and a couple of tarantulas to boot). What you do with them at this point is up to you. We donned leather chaps, gloves, facemasks, and aprons and just manhandled them into a large dumpster where we incinerated them. Sounds cruel, but if you have a serious gopher problem, nothing is too cruel. Gophers cause millions of dollars worth of crop damage and cause horses and cattle to break their legs with their burrows.

A friend of mine, who thinks money is fun to spend, bought 2 loads of concrete (you know, 2 cement trucks full) and filled in the burrows as best he could with it. He had some BIG gophers - 22-25-pounders - and to this day has no gopher problems. He figured they suffocated in their air pockets, thinking that it was rain and would soon be absorbed. DUH! I suppose it all boils down to how much money you are willing to spend to get rid of the bastards.

Here in Texas, people go to great lengths and expense to do things. I was paid $5000 for the vacuum job, and about $1500 for drowning them on 2 different farms. And we still go out and pick them off with deer rifles on the weekends when there’s not anything else better to do. All this may sound funny to you, but like I said, here in Texas, people go to great lengths and expense to do things. Traditional methods of extermination weren’t working, so we decided to be creative with our methods and were successful. I hope this information can be helpful to you…

spodie

222

I live in Texas, and we get our fair share of varmints, including 20-pound gophers. The farmers in these parts like to hire the locals to come out and shoot gophers, rabbits, burrowing owls, moles, feral hogs, and just about anything else that is being a nuisance. While you may kill 100 gophers over the course of a day’s shooting, on several acres there may be a thousand more, multiplying day-by-day.

While we do enjoy picking off varmints, it does no good for controlling them. We have been contracted to try whatever means possible to get rid of the nuisance population. It seems that feral hogs and large gophers are the worst in this area. Poisoning killed a few hogs, but these creatures are very smart and learn that if one of their kind dies in a particular area, the whole lot of them moves on to other property.

The best short-term solution we came across was flooding. We would wait until after a heavy rain when there would be several feet of water standing in the bar ditch and use a commercial sump pump with a high output and a long, wide hose to fill the burrows with water. With a good pump, this might take a couple of hours. Just keep pumping the water until there’s no more.

With the water filling the burrows and no gophers coming out, it’s obvious they have high-and-dry pockets in case of flooding. This is where a pneumatic soil packer comes in handy. A pneumatic soil packer is similar to a jack hammer except not so violent and is much heavier with a large steel foot that jumps up and down, compacting the soil and collapsing the gopher’s air pockets at the same time. You use this device around areas where you find covered-up holes and tunneling near the surface. As the air pockets collapse, the gophers will retreat to the nearest exit, which should be covered by a couple of cinder blocks. Unable to escape the water, they will drown, pups and all.

We have cleared many fields of big gophers using this technique. Another option, if the field is fallow, go rent the biggest steamroller you can find and roll over the field. This too will collapse the tunnels and air pockets, crushing them in the process. You can rent steamrollers at heavy-equipment rental stores (at least we can here). For any gophers that escape, have a few buddies with deer rifles and/or assault rifles to finish them off.

Recently, after hearing about a “groundhog vacuum” someone designed, we took several vacuum motors from an old abandoned car wash and built an enclosure on the back of a pickup. We mounted 3 vacuum motors to the top of the enclosure and sealed it up tight. We then attached a very large (12" diameter) heavy-duty hose to the pickup, started the motors, put the end of the hose down a gopher tunnel and waited.

After 10-15 minutes, we began hearing the thuds of gophers hitting the inside of the enclosure. It seems when they get caught in the vacuum, they ball up, hoping the menace will pass, but instead end up being sucked into the enclosure where there is no escape. Though these varmints are skiddish and wary, they are also curious, and when they see one of their comrades go flying by, they come out to look and get caught up in the suction themselves. DOH!

The first time we tried this, we captured 78 gophers in the enclosure, all alive, all scared to death. They ranged in size from 1/2-pound pups to a couple of 18-pound monsters (and a couple of tarantulas to boot). What you do with them at this point is up to you. We donned leather chaps, gloves, facemasks, and aprons and just manhandled them into a large dumpster where we incinerated them. Sounds cruel, but if you have a serious gopher problem, nothing is too cruel. Gophers cause millions of dollars worth of crop damage and cause horses and cattle to break their legs with their burrows.

A friend of mine, who thinks money is fun to spend, bought 2 loads of concrete (you know, 2 cement trucks full) and filled in the burrows as best he could with it. He had some BIG gophers - 22-25-pounders - and to this day has no gopher problems. He figured they suffocated in their air pockets, thinking that it was rain and would soon be absorbed. DUH! I suppose it all boils down to how much money you are willing to spend to get rid of the bastards.

Here in Texas, people go to great lengths and expense to do things. I was paid $5000 for the vacuum job, and about $1500 for drowning them on 2 different farms. And we still go out and pick them off with deer rifles on the weekends when there’s not anything else better to do. All this may sound funny to you, but like I said, here in Texas, people go to great lengths and expense to do things. Traditional methods of extermination weren’t working, so we decided to be creative with our methods and were successful. I hope this information can be helpful to you…

spodie

223

Hey there, how goes the Nazi hunting?
I just started reading this the other night at work
and now my boss thinks i’ve totally lost it from
laughing so darn hard at some of these ideas.

I live in PA also, and happen to know the species
you are hunting. Nasty buggers they can be. Been
chased by a few myself, and can atest to the fact
they walk around with the red arm band with the
swastika on it, and the only really good way to rid
yourself of these book burning crumbs is to take them
out one at a time with your trusty rifle. I can also
atest to the fact that once you shoot, they all
disappear for a while, and have actually wondered
how to cut down on the noise. I recently asked a
Navy Seal friend of mine about silencers, and this
was his idea. It’s possible to make a silencer for a
rifle out of a NEW, not used, Car Oil Filter. He says
that you drill a hole in the sealed end of the filter
roughly one inch across, then tap and die the end
of your rifle so the oil filter screws right on.
Since you have a scope on your rifle you don’t need
the front sight of the rifle, and viola, instant $4.00
silencer. Although i have not tested this idea, it
does sound like a rather interesting and workable
one, since i no longer own any guns since i became
a father. The only draw back is that you have to
make sure the ammo you are firing is sub-sonic, or
it won’t work. My Navy Seal buddy said that it does
work, but then again can you really trust a government
agent?? LOL :smiley:

Happy Hog Hunting. If you need help, fire off an e-mail
to me, it’s been a while since i hunted any Nazi Hogs,
and we could hit them with a two pronged attack, and
no beer allowed. Deadly enough out there with out
getting drunk, and having a sneak attack by the Hogs
go down on your watch.

224

Conibear traps
The conibear trap a body holding trap also known as a killer trap is what I would use. Set them over the holes and in runs. Although I like to snare furbearers the groundhogs body is too streamlined to use them.
If you just want to have fun shoot them but if you are serious the conibear is the tool for you. Use the #2trap.The #3 is for beaver and is probably illegal to set except under water.They are expensive. The last ones I bought were $7 each. They are probably $10. each now.

I did enjoy reading this thread.

I used to work for the local coop and I’ve delivered Anhydrous Ammonia. One farmer used it to kill groundhogs from under his barn. Effective but not recommended. I almost hesitate to mention it here because it is dangerous stuff.It can kill you by breathing the vapors or burn you-thats what they call the freezer burn if it comes in contact with your skin.An anhydrous burn is really nasty.

225

Make that 220conibear and 330 conibear instead of #2&#3

226

I just read this in Yahoo! News and immediately thought of this thread!

Patty
Oddly Enough Headlines
Wednesday June 7 11:19 AM ET

Crazed Beaver Terrorizes Farm

WINNIPEG (Reuters) - A Canadian farm woman is still shaking after a crazed beaver attacked her two giant Newfoundland
dogs named Bonnie and Billy, pinning them against a fence and savaging them.

``It pinned them. I never though beavers were capable of that,’’ Sam Pshyshlak told Reuters from her Manitoba farm 60 miles north of Winnipeg.

``I’ve lost all respect for beavers. I never would have imagined this from a beaver,’’ she said of the recent incident.

She said the beaver ``terrorized’’ her dogs, which weigh nearly 200 pounds each.

``There was definitely something wrong with it,’’ Pshyshlak said.

The thick pelts of beavers were once Canada’s main export and the flat-tailed animal has long occupied a place of honor on the country’s five-cent coin. Most Canadians see them as cute and industrious but farmers often regard them as a nuisance for the dams they build and the flooding they cause.

Pshyshlak said the animal that attacked her dogs weighed about 30 pounds and tore at Billy’s leg and face.

``In the shed, the whole floor was pooled with blood,’’ she said.

Pshyshlak said conservation authorities said they would try to trap the animal, although she said she hasn’t seen hide nor hair of the beaver since the attack occurred.

227

wondering what to do wiht your over abundance of dead groundhogs?

According to the Foxfire books you can make banjo heads from the hide.see foxfire 3

Just trying to be helpful.

I hate to see a valuable resource go to waste.

Oh and did you know that woodys are edible. kinda greasy though.

228

they’re big, mean, it would be an even fight.

229

Hi,
I’m from London, so I don’t know anything about groundhogs,
and our polititians don’t allow us guns, so I don’t know much about them either,
But I’d like to vote for your trying Fungus Khans idea about blowers and skeet shooting :slight_smile:
for whatever reason, I find that very amusing…

Never doubt a polititians instinct for self preservation

fred

230

For some odd reason I remember that a chicken’s head cavity will implode with a sine wave at certain number of kilohertz.

Oddly enough this info came from a Borland Turbo C++ help file, it was explaining why computer speakers don’t go above a certain number of kilohertz. It was a riot of laughter and ongoing bad wit in my computer class for weeks. The professor couldn’t make it through a lecture with a chicken-head-imploding comment. But I’m digressing.

You could find out the same frequency for Groundhog/Gopher head cavities and take 'em out. Kinda far fetched. But a thought.

231

I keep waiting for someone to say this, but I suppose it’s a forgotten art.

Go get yourself as many 30 minute road flares as you have Gopher holes. Light the flare (which doesn’t need oxygen to burn), drop it in the hole and stomp down the earth so the fumes can’t come back out. Throw a shovel of dirt on if you need to.

The flares will burn and emit a seriously toxic gas which will expand through the burrow system. If you see any smoke rising, throw a flare in that hole too and cover IT up.

The Gophers will retreat to the safety of their dens, which are engineered to be waterproof, but won’t stop this stuff.
Once they decide they have to leave, they won’t be able to get out. They will suffocate.

232

You know I was reading a book about Vietnam the other day and this seems quite similar to the VC’s tunnel system during the entire war. So here’s what I suggest - get some young (and small) farm boys from age 3 - 6 from the local schools - hire a retired “tunnel rat” from the vietnam war to train them and build your own crack fighting unit. Provide them with .45s, a flashlight, a garotte wire, and maybe a red headband like Rambo that could be used as a tourniquet. After a whole system has been searched, and all sensitive groundhog documents and maps have been discovered, either gas the hole and cement the entrance, or call in for an airstrike. Just remember - you’re not fighting nazis miles from their fatherland - you’re fighting determined little VC bastards trying to defend their homes and their families. Desperate times call for desperate measures - and i believe a crack tunnel rat unit of 4 year olds is desperate enough!

233

Okay, well, I am a newcomer here, and I have read just about the entire thread, laughing hysterically the whole while. I understand from many of the suggestions that chemical warfare on the nasty little buggers has been brought up, ie antifreeze and the like, but I would like to suggest an even better means of doing so.
See, from what I’ve read, it seems that your one problem with the antifreeze is getting the friggin things to ingest it, without knowing that you, their mortal enemy, has tampered with their holes. However, my Grandfather, old salt that he is, grew up on a farm, and offered a solution to your dilemma that doesn’t involve putting cups of anything out.
According to him, you can go to a grocery/farm supply store, and pick up a bag/can/container of Red Lye. Now, I’ve never heard of it myself, but apparently red lye is a much stronger form of soap, which is also poisonous if ingested.
The next step, after purchasing the lye, is to sprinkle some around each groundhog hole you find. Since all you’re doing is throwing some around, it shouldn’t give the nazis any sign that their camp has been infiltrated. According to the groundhog guru, the hogs will come out of the hole, and pick some up on their feet when the walk over it. Since red lye is quite corrosive, it will irritate their skin, and they will, instinctively, lick the offending area to clean it, thus ingesting the poison. This, as one can imagine, is a painful way to go, especially if they drink water after ingesting it, which activates the soap even more.
Now, I don’t know how valid this is, or if they still even sell red lye, but if you gave Juicy Fruit a chance, why not try this? If all goes well, you’ll have an undetectable chemical weapon and a whole lotta dead 'chucks. That, then, is my humble advice, or, rather, my grandfather’s. Whatever.

234

I used to know a girl named Marmota Monax.

235

I can’t believe someone hasn’t posted this yet. When I lived in Taos,NM there was a guy there who had hooked a jet engine to some sort of industrial vacuum and would acually suck prarie dogs out of their holes.
Now I realise your critters are bigger, but I’ve seen this thing work. Trust me, if you can track this guy down his machine will rip 'em right out of the ground.
Similarly, Gay (Gary?) Balfour converted a 28,000 pound streetsweeper into a vacuum that can suck out prairie dogs with “tornado force winds”. He calls it the Dog gone. All know is that he is somewhere in the heartland.

236

The “Taos Hum” explained!

237

I think the Canadians have overlooked something dead simple - they say that the not-so-little critters hibernate in one central den, sealed in. If you got some echo sensitive equipment it should be able to detect this underground chamber. Dig a hole/use a drill borer (kind used for geological samples) & then either pump cement or poisonous gas in there & get them in one go. Whole family gone & only one small known area of the filed full of cement (ie you don’t risk damaging the plough on near to surface cement like the other guys tunnel/cement idea. Instead of being the worst time to hunt the groundhog, it could be your best…
Quick, cheap & sadly lacking in drinking parties!

238

LOL, mrblue92. Very good.

239

You know, I was recently (5 minutes ago) reviewing this thread, and I realize that these Gophers have taken much more than alfalfa, ammo, and dignity from you, Scylla. I fear they may also be taking your soul. At the beginning of this war for humanity, everyone knew you as “Al,” the nice, witty, groundhog-plagued city-slicker who worded his complaints well and often. Then, as the war moved along, campaigns became more desperate, and the hogs took over more and more land, Scylla emerged, a new general in the fight, whose replies to requests and suggestions became limited to one liners, using as few words as possible.

Now, of course, SOME people could blame this on the fact that one’s time cannot be dedicated completely to hog-nuking, but I believe that, like the late FDR in World War II, (also against Nazis, conveniently enough), you are being worn down by your enemy’s resistance. I hope that everyone on this thread realizes the sacrifice that Scylla is making for us, and joins me in praying that the Groundhog Genocide Campaign 2000 will be a complete success. <moment of silence>

That said, have you considered creating some sort of robot groundhog, to be sent into the den to destroy the enemy with it’s laser eye beams?

Wait…I think that last paragraph just ruined my serious mood. Dagnabbit!

240

Ive read about this groundhog sucking machine. I think i read it in “Maxim” magazine. I have a subscription and when i get a chance I’ll flip through and see if i can find it. Or you could go to maxim’s website and search it, maybe there is something there (Maximmag.com). I wanna see this through, I havent laughed so hard in a looooong time. And if you get this sucking machine, YOU BETTER VIDEO TAPE IT, and send it to Real TV!!! Good luck man. IF that doesnt work, I suggest Napalm.