I grew up in a family where there really wasn’t anything too sacred to joke about. Hospitalization, death, loss of job, etc were all met with wit as a coping mechanism. Sure, there’d be some tears, but we were pretty resilient about things.
My SO’s mother was 45 when she had him and she’s 94 years old now. She’s lived a long life and is relatively healthy but is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers. She just moved in with his sister and is doing ok. During the move, she gave a bunch of items to my SO, including a framed piece of needlework that, while he agrees it’s out of place, needs to be displayed in the house because it reminds him of his mom.
She’s not gone yet and it might be another 10 years for all we know. But I feel the need to start preparing for the eventuality of it all and am looking for some advice on how to help him deal with it. I asked him if having this time will help when it does happen and he said not at all. That he’s just not ready for it.
Also, and more selfishly, advice on how I should deal with it as well. I’ve had loss and bad things happen, but I tend to just take a day or two and then move on. Occassionally thinking about it from time to time, but I’m not one to stay in the funk for long. (In other words, my emotional IQ is pretty low. I’m smart enough to know what not to say, but I’m not really sure what to say or do.)
You and I are in the same boat regarding emotions. For me, if something bad happens, well, it happened, either you can fix it (in which case you fix it) or you can’t (in which case you move on with your life). No weeping necessary.
That doesn’t mean I’m never upset about things but I do tend to get over them quickly.
My wife, like your SO, is not the same. I’ve found that in this kind of situation it’s best to just listen, do as little talking as possible, and pretty much never ask for advice. Eventually it will work itself out.
Of course, that is easy to recommend and hard to do, and I find myself giving advice a lot when I shouldn’t, so there’s room for improvement.
I don’t know how much help this will be, but I’ll note a couple of things:
First, your SO is your SO (and you are his) because you are who you are; you came out of your background with the kinds of behaviors and responses to events that you tend to display today, and he picked you to spend his life with (or at least this particular part of his life – I have no idea how long you have been together) in no small part because of those. This should give you come confidence that you’ve got what it takes to be supportive at a level and mode he’s going to need when his mother passes.
Second, you mention that you have dealt with personal loss yourself. You don’t say whether he was there to share those experiences with you, but if he was, you could look to how his support did manifest itself, and take your cues from that to figure out what will feel most supportive to him.
ISTM that yellowjacketcoder meant to say “never GIVE advice”, not “never ASK FOR advice”, and I think I can endorse that. Beyond that, I’d suggest that, in keeping with his admonition to “just listen,” you occasionally ask him if he wants to talk about what he’s going through.
One thing to keep in mind is that Alzheimer’s is not one event to be gotten past. Unfortunately, it’s an ongoing series of losses as more and more of the person one loves is stripped away. You may find yourself wondering, “why hasn’t he adjusted to the situation yet,” but from his point of view the situation is continually changing.
I’m not sure you need to do much to prepare. After all, this will be a 50 yr old man whose 95 yr old mother passes on. Hardly something to scar for life, even if it’s sad. In fact, seeing your parents live to 95 is about the most anyone could hope for - I doubt he’ll be any more “ready for it” if she lives to 105. I would just encourage him to spend time with her so he doesn’t have any regrets when the time comes.
Your SO’s mum is very lucky to get to 95 without too many health issues. I’m curious how they came to the Alzheimer’s diagnosis actually, because some degree of dementia is pretty normal for our very elderly, and I suspect it won’t be Alzheimers that causes her death. (That was very poorly worded, but I can’t think of another way to phrase it!)
HOWEVER, that being said, my experience with a mother with Alzheimer’s (diagnosed about 15 yrs ago, now aged 87) is that you go through a constant grieving phase, with every loss of skill and old personality trait akin to a minor ‘death’ of the person you once knew. Eventually, there is so little left, that the final death is actually a blessing.
Seconded. He’ll never be “ready”, but hopefully he’s aware that she probably doesn’t have more than a few years left at her age, and is dealing accordingly.
There’s no instruction manual, but the best thing you can do is just be there for your SO as a shoulder to cry on and a listener when he wants to talk. I think it’s important to share happy or funny memories of his mother and encourage your SO to do the same. This really helps with the grieving process.
Also, after my dad died I was pretty much incapable of doing everyday tasks like cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. Anticipating their needs and doing whatever you can to help the family with things like that would surely be appreciated, especially as his mother starts to decline.
Would it be possible for your SO to join some kind of support group now? It could help with coping skills and maybe even, specifically, dealing with dementia.
This. I’m watching my mother go downhill right now. She lives next door, and every day it feels like there is some new little thing to mourn. I’m doing the best I can, which some days is just not very good. It sucks. And it’s going to suck for a long time.