How to put distance in a longstanding friendship?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I am on the verge of doing the hardest thing I think I have ever done. Not ending a friendship, but putting some serious distance between myself and someone who has been my friend for the 25 years.

She sent me an email the other night telling me she was pregnant, for the third time. Normally, this sort of thing would make a friend happy to hear. But I can’t be happy for her. Don’t get me wrong, I would like to be able to, but I can’t.

They have two kids and they can barely afford to live at it is. They haven’t had hot water or heat for like the last 8 months because the gas company shut them off. They live in Nebraska. They are close to losing their house because they can’t make the payments on time and they have a 15000.00-dollar balloon payment due this year. The house is a dump so selling it would be nearly impossible.

Her having another kid is not the reason for my wanting to distance myself from her. It is just that every time she calls its just negativity coming from her end. “We have no money…We’re in collections for XYZ… my husband is an asshole… I never get to go out… We have no money…etc…etc…” No, She doesn’t ask me for money. If I had the money to give I would, because that is just how I am, but it wouldn’t make the problems go away, it wouldn’t change anything.

When I get done talking to her, I feel awful. I end up being bitchy and feeling down. I hate the emotional baggage the she dumps on me. And after 25 years, that burden is too much to bear. I don’t want to be her “emotional drop box” anymore. I have my own life and issues to deal with. I cannot deal with hers as well.

I am too emotionally involved with her. I love her to death, but it is painful to watch her make the same mistakes over and over. Never learning. Never listening to my (or anyone’s for that matter) suggestions when she does ask for “help”.

I feel guilty that I feel this way. Friends are supposed to be there for you through thick and thin. However, a friendship is also a give and take situation. I give and give (emotionally) until I have nothing left. She takes, takes, and takes. I really never expected anything in return. But when I went through a rough patch in my life last year, unemployed for the first time in my life since I was 16 years old. It took me 6 months to find a job, when I would try to talk to her about how it was making me feel, the disappointment of interviews that went nowhere etc… she made it all about her….”I can’t find a job, I wish I could get a job, no one will hire me…” It was so frustrating; she didn’t want to listen to me. I just wanted… needed someone to listen to me and how I felt. :frowning:

12 years ago, we were sort of in the same place, but since then, we have moved in opposite directions. Now I feel like I am a million miles away from who I was then, she is still the same. You can’t be 30 years old and look at life and deal with things like when you were 18.

9 ½ years ago, I moved to Nevada to finish my degree in geology. She was “mad” at me for moving away. I said it was what I had to do for me, nothing against her. I finished my degree in 2002. I now have a good job working in my field. I got married in 2003 to a wonderful man who loves me (despite all of my own shortcomings) and has been the best thing to ever happen to me.

7 years ago she got involved with a total asshole, chauvinistic pig of a man (house chores are woman’s work), got pregnant and married him… because that is what your supposed to do apparently (a.k.a. threatened by her jerk of a father). Now she is broke, no job, no love, 2 kids and one on the way and no self-esteem (her husband makes sure of that). :mad:

She can’t let stuff go either. I had to learn to let go of shit, for my own mental health. It is hard to learn to get over holding grudges and other random petty shit. For example, if some one calls her, say someone who she hasn’t seen/talked to in a few years, she is always “I wonder what they want from me, what are they after” or my favorite “who the hell does he/she think they are”. I always say, maybe they just wanted to say hi and let you know that they were thinking of you. It happens.

I just can’t deal with it her depressing life right now, it is too emotionally taxing. I don’t want to permanently end our friendship, but just take a breather for a while, until she can figure her shit out. But how the hell do you tell that to someone you known longer than your own sister? :frowning:

Sorry this is so long and rambles… I just needed to get it out.

2

You’re in a really hard situation. Don’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do, it sounds like you’ve been a hell of a good friend with very little friendship in return.

I have been in a slightly similar situation (but my friend’s domestic situation was nowhere as bad as the one you have described) and I ended up sending her a letter (this was kinda before email was so widespread) telling her that I couldn’t keep listening to her problems whilst she took no interest in my life. I told her that the only time she got in touch with me was to tell me what was going wrong with her life, and it was exhausting me.

Naturally, she was very hurt to begin with, and defensive. But she obviously came to realise that there was truth to what I was saying and she started counselling and got treatment for depression.

I wish you all the best for whatever action you decide to take. It will be hard, and you will feel like a bitch, but sometimes you gotta choose to put your own sanity ahead of others feelings.

3

Distancing yourself from her may be difficult, because likely you’re her favorite audience-- probably because no one else wants to hear it. It’s an all-or-nothing situation, likely. She probably won’t let you back off, so your choices are either to accept it as it is, or end the friendship.

I’ve had to do this a couple of times in my life, and it’s not easy or pleasant. I’ve tried to go the tactful route, and in my experience, they won’t let you. You’re likely the only person in her life who will patiently listen to her bitch without pointing out that she causes most of her problems herself. (She’s calling you long-distance when she can’t pay for heat? Hello?) You are the sole invitee to her endless pity party, and she will simply choose to ignore it if you don’t R.S.V.P.

Trying to explain why you want to back off will only give her another incident to add to her mental attic full of ways people have screwed her over. She’ll see you as selfish and uncaring and probably try to make you feel guilty. She will not have an epiphany-- she’ll just think you’re being “mean.”

If you want to end it, don’t call her, and don’t respond to her e-mails. Whenever she calls, tell her you’re too busy to talk. Be firm. Don’t give explanations. If you can’t do this, learn to live with it.

4

I had a similarly toxic, woe-is-me, “my life sucks and it’s not my fault” friend for about ten years. She only ever called when she wanted to bitch about her boyfriend (I had already told her that I didn’t think they made a good couple) or her latest crappy job or her evil mom (her mom IS a big bitch). It was, as you said, all me me me take take take all the time. Even thinking of her put me in a bad mood.

To be honest, I took an easy out. Two years ago, we bought a house. In the interim between the end of our lease and the closing of our home, we stayed with Hubby’s parents, so our phone number was disconnected, and our mail was on hold for a month before it was forwarded. We sent postcards out to all of our friends and family with our new address and phone number. She didn’t get one.

She called later that year around Christmas (she had looked in the phone book) and left a message on the answering machine. It was there for about a week before I just deleted it. She never called back, I never called back, and it sure has made my life less stressful.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to ease out of or discontinue your communications with her. I can only assure you that you will be very relieved when you do. Best of luck on this - it’s not easy.

5

Oh, man, except for a few details, I could have written the OP.

I won’t go into too much detail, because I did send a few links to this board to the person way back when, but not recently. But a few months ago after a particular interaction, I decided that I had just had enough. Too much griping while making the same mistakes repeatedly, too much shrill defensiveness, too much of a one-way character to the friendship. And the topper is that the children’s lives are being affected very adversely. Wreck your own life if you want, but don’t screw up your kids and expect me to just nod and smile. And you cannot say anything to this person that is not complete agreement. I’m in no mood to start WWIII.

On the other hand, this friend is part of a circle of other people whose company we do enjoy. So we can’t cut it off completely. I’ve decided to just stop initiating contact. If they call to talk or invite us to something (doesn’t happen except for birthdays and such), I’ll keep it brief and if possible find a way to politely decline. I’ll be friendly if we meet at a group thing. Fortunately, this person has other shoulders to cry on. But I wonder how long it will take them to notice that we’ve stopped calling. The tough part IS going to be birthdays and such; I’d really like to back off from going to parties and getting gifts for a person (and their kids) that I really don’t like much anymore. If anyone has extricated themselves from that kind of situation, I’d love to hear about it.

But you know what? After a few months of stewing on it, I don’t really care if the person happens to see this and figure it out. (Unlikely, but you never know.) Maybe it would be a wakeup call (also unlikely :frowning: ). But I suspect that if the person catches on, it would be similar to what happened when other friends were “dumped” because they dared to dissent. Not pretty. But I still like and respect the dumpees. Not so much this person. Already my life is happier, just for having made the decision.

6

I think the way to end this is to have it be her idea.
If she’s envious at all and resents your success, rub it in.
When she calls ask if you can call her back tomorrow because you’re throwing/going to a big expensive party and have to make big expensive arrangements.
Then don’t call back the next day. When she eventually calls again just say you forgot, but son’t apologize.
And if she asks for advice be blunt “Oh, but you never take my advice” Repeat until she stops asking.

7

One tactic I take for my manic-depressive mother-in-law when she starts bitching about her ‘problems’ and asking what she should do:

I say to her “What are your options?” which makes her have to move into solution thinking for a moment. I then say “So which is your preferred option” and then “So is that what you’re going to do” then “Well, good luck with that”.

Ten years I’ve known her and she’s never noticed that this is how I always respond to her moaning!

8

There is the tactful route, but I think Lissa is right, it won’t work.

There is the supportive but I’m ending it route - which is basically writing her a letter (I’d do a formal letter, not email - to easy to reply) saying you are ending the relationship, let her know why, and let her know when she gets her life together you’d love to hear from you again, but if she calls to bitch about problems she won’t take steps to fix, you’ll hang up on her. i.e. the tough love approach

There is the untactful and nonsupportive route, which is where the next time she calls you tell her you are tired of being her pity party, you aren’t taking it anymore, you call her a selfish bitch and use a few words, and end it.

And the passive aggressive approach, used by such good effect by Averie. Its my personal favorite, although its sort of the cop out approach. You just stop being responsive and you start being busy when she calls. “Oh, I’d love to talk to you, but we were just walking out the door.” Eventually, she will fill her need with someone else.

9

sandra --I do much the same thing with my MIL (who I am sure is mentally ill in some way)–it works like a charm.
I could also have written the OP, but with a few minor details. She was the “socialy successful” one–in that I do not like crowds, bars, loud music and “being seen”. Gah-I was even a year older, a major advantage throughout most of childhood and adolescence. I went along with all manner of stupidity. I didn’t have much self esteem or self awareness.

I started to notice her self centeredness in college when she sublet my room-mate’s room. Living with someone really gives you an eyeful, no?

The last straw was when I called to tell her that my sister had died (she knew her, too)–and she called back with a VM message, “sorry I didn’t get back to you right away; I’ve had a temperature and the baby was sick.” (she was also the one who called to tell me that she thought my sister looked like “shit” about a year before she died).
That was that. I have talked with her twice since. I didn’t call her when my other sister died (I’ve lost 2 sisters in the last 7 years). No matter what was wrong in my life (and there was alot wrong)–it was always her, her, her. She once berated me for looking better than she did in a pair of Capri’s! :rolleyes:
Still, there is this part of me that misses her–oh, not the narcissism etc, but this woman was a huge part of my growing up. Someone who knows girlhood secrets and shared memories etc. It’s not easy to walk away from that.
It sounds to me like you have moved on a bit in your life and you’ve grown up. I don’t doubt for a minute that she is jealous of that (understandable) and somewhat bitter. I pity those kids more than her, though.

10

See, this is where I saw our relationship going. We had drifted apart for quite some time (she moved pretty far north and almost never had a reliable phone number). She’d call and start out with pleasantries, and then inevitably fall into the old crap routine. (This is the same girl who whined on my wedding day about not knowing what to do with her hair. So, I did my own, and someone helped her. When everyone else was ready, she whined about the fact that she didn’t put her shoes on before her dress, so if she had to bend over to put her own shoes on, she’d wrinkle her dress. I told her she had two minutes to get her shit together, or we were walking down the aisle without her.)

So, yeah, I used an easy cop-out. I agonized over whether or not I should call her back for the entire week that the message was on my machine. I started to feel really guilty for all the months that had gone by without a call. Finally, my husband asked me what I could honestly expect to get out of a phone call from her. That’s what made me decided to just delete the message. She never called back, either.

11

I’ve been in a very similar situation, and really have no great advice to add to what has been given.

I’m only posting to say that my wife had a very apt phrase for this kind of person. She called him an “Emotional Vampire.”

12

I had one of those emotional vampire friends too! When I broke it off, it was a break-up in a very real way. Expect it to feel weird like that. You may even miss her on occasion, defying all logic. You’ll probably feel guilty for awhile, but when you do it’s important to remind yourself that protecting your own emotional well-being is better than destroying it while you watch your friend repeatedly destroy her own. I could write an entire book about the life and death of my friendship with Vampire Girl.

Now that I think about it, many of the women I know have been through this at least once with a friend. Either there’s a high precentage of crazy chicks out there, or the same ones just find a whole string of people to bestow their drama upon.