Don’t get me wrong. I sometimes enjoy fast food, or good food served quickly, or your basic hoagie/sub/grinder/ po boy. And I don’t always have the time or money to get every meal I eat served with a finger bowl and hot towel. But then again, sometimes I do. Sometimes I’m in the mood for just such posh treatment.
But sometimes it’s difficult to tell which category a restaurant falls into. When you walk into an establishment, you are suddenly committed to dining there. And then the establishment’s foods are force-fed down your throat and you are full, without so much of a chance as requesting the wine list nor the toy of the week. It’s a tough call, boys and girls, and you must often rely on naught but your wile and intuition to guess what type of place you’ve walked into.
However, here is your handy-dandy guide to solve such a dilemma. Print it out and use it. You can thank me later.
For purposes of convenience, we’ll call fine-dining establishments Type I. Fast food is Type II.
-A type I restaurant serves it’s meals on dinnerware made of some type of ceramic. A type II uses some derivative of paper, plastic, or styrofoam.
-A type I restaurant has as its logo a stylized fork, or plate, or other abstract art. A type II has a clown, a bell, one of the Mario Brothers, or a smiling rat.
-Ball pits: Type II.
-Being greeted with “How many in your party?”: Type I. Being greeted with “NEXT!”: Type II.
-Cloth napkins: Type I. Paper napkins: Type II.
-A printed menu that lists “Shrimp Cocktail ~ 18” is a type I. A board with movable type above the cash register that says “P0PCO N SR1WP 3.9S” is a type II.
-Any restaurant that shows pictures of the food, either above the counter or in the menu is type II.
-If a clean-cut man in a tuxedo serves your food, type I. If a mature lady wearing a pink or powder blue apron-dress, glasses with a chain, and a name-tag that says “Madge” serves your food (and calls you “hon”), type II. Double if she’s smoking while she serves you.
-If the ketchup comes in a little glass bowl with a tiny spoon, type I. Ketchup in a little foil packet signifies a type II. If the ketchup comes in a red squeeze bottle, or can be squirted into a little paper cup, type II. If it’s in a bottle, could go either way.
-Type I restaurants generally don’t require you to speak into a plastic clown, and don’t answer back “Dvvvv yvvvv vvvvvnt fvvvvz vvvvv zvvv?”
-In a type II restaurant the sous chef is also likely to take your order, run the cash register, and sweep the floor. Sometimes all at once. Said person is also 14% likely to have an algebra test the next day.
-If you want plain club soda in a type I, you have to ask for it. If you want plain club soda in a type II, use the Dr. Pepper spout.
-And finally: Round trays carried by waitstaff: Type I. Rectangular trays carried by you: Type II.
Glad I could be of help.