How would you feel about being a prop at fake wedding?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m curious to know your opinions on a family situation I went through recently. I will try to give you enough information so you can understand my feelings about it without boring you too much.

I have four stepsons. The youngest is 30 years old and lives on the west coast. Let’s call him Prodigal. His family, including me and my wife, live in the Midwest. Since he graduated from college seven years ago, Prodigal has pursued a career in photography in two very expensive cities. He has had some success in this career, but has also made some terrible decisions regarding jobs, dwellings and other expenditures. Over the course of his adult life, my wife and I have supported him financially when he was in dire straits to the tune of about $10k.

When he has visited his home town over the years, he has had a tendency to adopt an air of superiority toward his brothers, his parents and me because we have pursued mundane lives and live in Podunk towns. This has at times caused some bad blood with his brothers and father.

Last year, while visiting Turkey with his Turkish girlfriend, he proposed to her. In the spring of this year, they announced plans to get married in California in September. At first, his brothers and his father said that they probably would not attend for various reasons involving expense, vacation time, and child care. They all vacillated over the course of the summer, while my wife exerted her considerable will and meager political capital to persuade them all to attend. In the middle of the summer, Prodigal moved out of their apartment for a while because their relationship was on the rocks over his very spotty freelance earnings.

They then reconciled and said the wedding was on for September. My wife’s persuasion prevailed, and we all attended the wedding early this month. We spent a lot of money, collectively, to be there on their special day. My wife, his father and I also spent a few grand subsidizing the wedding and reception.

Here’s what I want to read opinions about. After the wedding, while drunk, Prodigal told his brothers that he had actually been married since shortly after he proposed last year. They needed to be married to move into married student housing at the university where Prodigal’s wife is pursuing a PhD. The whole wedding was for show, so that the bride could have a “real” wedding, and so that her mother could be persuaded to come to the US for a visit.

To have gone through all of the emotional crap and expense and drama for a sham wedding ceremony pissed me off immensely, and I still get a little angry when I think about it. What do you think? Was Prodigal wrong to use his family as props in a charade to please his wife, or am I way off base?

2

You were not given the full picture, which was essential to navigate the decision-making process in a very emotional, complex situation.

Prodigal Son was continuing to be immature and cute. IMHO, you have every right to be upset with how he handled it.

Sorry you had to deal with this and hope your family is okay as they deal with Prodigal and his immaturity.

3

Certainly Prodigal was wrong.

If it were me, I would consider that I had spent enough money on him now (especially since he looks down on you.)

4

When the time comes I’d say a fake inheritance, for show, would be in order.

5

Oh yikes. That’s just nasty all around.

Point 1) The legalities of marriage don’t always coincide with the celebratory aspects. If fiancée needed to be a wife for residency, then that needs to happen. If someone’s getting “officially” married so that their impending child isn’t a bastard, that needs to happen. If the official ceremony has to take place at a certain time or place to be legal (numerous gay marriages all over the country) then go for it. All of that is understandable, and doesn’t (I don’t think) negate the very real desire to have a festive celebratory occasion that in most cases will be happening afterwards.

Point 2) The snot-nosed hipster should have told at least you and your wife, so you could weigh your options. If he was honest about it from the start, would you be so mad now?

“Hey Uncle, we actually got hitched last summer so Riza could stay in her student housing, but we just signed papers at the courthouse. We really want a “wedding” to celebrate with the family to make it seem like it really happened. Can you help us out?”

FTR; several friends and family members have had “weddings” that were in no way related to when they actually signed their papers to officialize their union. In all cases except one, we all knew what was going on, and in that one case, some of us knew about it before the wedding. The not knowing caused a lot of hurt feelings among otherwise very close friends.

6

Sounds like the Prodigal needs a good talking to about honesty and respect.

Sounds like the three of you (you, mom and dad) have continued to fuel his sense of self entitlement. I don’t agree with continuing to support adult children beyond college.

If he had come forward and told you all that they were already married, but wanted a fancy pantsy ceremony, then you could have had an open honest dialogue about it without the deception.

Good luck breaking the cycle you all have started.

7

I guess it depends on how much the ceremonial part matters to you. To a lot of people, that’s the “real” part of the wedding- those people would say that what you attended and helped to finance wasn’t “fake” at all. Really, people go to wedding ceremonies for that part- no one’s actually going because they just can’t wait to see the happy couple change their legal status. In that sense, everybody got what they came for (and you paid for), so you shouldn’t be upset.

But, yeah, coming away from an event like this, in which you participated at no small cost to yourself, with the feeling that the beneficiary was less than truthful with you, would be maddening. Especially if the beneficiary has a history of acting not particularly well toward his family.

So, logically you shouldn’t be pissed, but a lot of us in your shoes would be anyway.

8

This was so jerky of that guy!

I wouldn’t really think of it as a sham wedding. A lot of people separate the legal marriage from the symbolic ceremony and celebration for various reasons. It is a perfectly normal thing to do, and it doesn’t make the wedding any less real.

What is NOT normal is to fail to be upfront about it, especially when people are trying to make decisions about travel, finances, and other details of their participation. I would maybe wonder if this kid has some well-founded beliefs about his family – if my relatives really would have ditched a wedding celebration if they believed I was already legally married, that would be hurtful. I would suggest being a little careful at how you express some of your annoyance, because if you are saying that you wouldn’t have participated in the party part of the wedding just because the legal part happened elsewhere … then you are confirming that belief.

But if he is presenting it like a “gotcha!” moment – we had a big wedding party but we were already married, HA! – then that is immature and rude.

9

Thanks, WordMan. We will be fine, although his visit to Podunk at Christmas could be interesting.

Glee - We have come to his aid when eviction loomed, or when he needed help buying professional equipment. being fooled into dropping a few grand to subsidize this wedding may have closed that spigot forever.

Czarcasm - I’m pissed, but not that pissed. :slight_smile:

Lasciel - If he had told us the whole story, I’m pretty sure we would have gone and also helped to pay. I would certainly not be angry now.

Omar - I have thought similar thoughts myself. This may have caused me to get serious about those thoughts.

**Haunted **- The combination of dihonesty and snottiness is what angers me most.

10

It wasn’t a gotcha, it was more like “Now that it’s over I can tell you the real story.” And he didn’t tell us, and had no intention of telling us. He told his brothers.

My wife and I would have gone anyway, and I am pretty sure he knows that. His brothers and father may have told him that he could have a nice celebration in Ohio whenever he wanted, but that they weren’t flying to California.

11

I don’t think it was dishonest. We got married several days after our ceremony, since for various logistic reasons we couldn’t sign the paperwork on the day. It didn’t even occur for me to tell people that that was the case, and I can’t imagine anyone would care if it was. For most people the wedding is the ceremony, the legalistic stuff is just paperwork. And I’ve known couples that got married several months before the ceremony to take advantage of health benefits or whatever. I don’t recall anyone ever suggesting their wedding ceremonies “fake”.

Honestly, I think your pissed at your son for reasons that don’t have anything to do with his “sham” wedding ceremony. If you found out one of your other kids weddings occurred several weeks after the paperwork was done, would you be angry about that as well?

12

The guy is a jerk, and everyone should agree not to help him in the future. No matter what.

13

Unless he’s presenting it as a “gotcha, ha-ha so funny” I’m not sure what there is to be offended about. I get it, but I also don’t. I mean, we’ve already gone over the thing where having a ceremony separate from the actual paper signing is relatively normal. And the fact that you’d have been OK with that if told up-front. So the real part where you’re upset here is that he did not tell you that he signed the actual papers before the wedding ceremony. However, I’m not sure why that’s a big thing to get upset about. I personally would not be upset about that. It doesn’t even seem to constitute a real lie, but simply an act of omission due to unimportance. Since nobody goes to weddings to actually observe the paper being signed and it’s usually done behind the scenes when nobody’s watching (except the witnesses, anyway, but they’re only there because legal reasons), it generally holds zero importance for the people attending the weddings. At a normal wedding, nobody wonders if the bride and groom signed the papers that very day, and if they didn’t and signed them some other time, I’d bet most people would never know. So you being upset about it seems a bit off.

So really, I’m thinking you’re not upset about the wedding ceremony, but everything else he’s done in general. You’re frustrated that he’s not living his life the way you think he should live his life.

14

Yes, I would be pissed because he lied to you and to his family. Period. He lied, and it wasn’t some “little white lie.” It was a lie that directly effected you and your family and prevented you from making informed decisions both financially and time-wise.

I don’t think there was anything inherently wrong with them getting married in a quick, civil ceremony and then wanting to have more of a “real wedding” at a later point. There are many I know who have done something similar (although more typically, they don’t redo the ceremony, but they have the reception at a later date).

But, they do this above board and honestly, letting everyone know ahead of time. You likely would have ended up going regardless, but you may have made some different decisions along the way and no one likes to feel duped.

15

They got married in October 2013 and didn’t tell us. Eleven months later their best man did the whole “Now for the first time as man and wife…” thing.

Tough to do, but it may happen.

See reply to Simplicio. When you get married, I believe you should tell your parents. When you invite family to fly 2500 miles each way at their expense to attend something, you should tell them what it is they are attending, an early first anniversary party.

16

You were attending their wedding. I’m at an age where I go to a lot of weddings, and its not unusual for people to have done the paperwork stuff before hand (it actually seems to be the norm amongst military couples, I assume because the spousal benefits make it worth it to do the paperwork as soon as your engaged). It’s the ceremony, and not the paperwork that is “the wedding”, and I’ve never seen anyone feel they need to confide to the guests the exact when and where of the document signing, or seen anyone claim they were being lied to when finding out that it wasn’t done on the day of the ceremony.

17

Salem - That sums it up nicely. Thanks. My TL;DR details may have clouded the picture more than they clarified. We spent most of eleven months helping him plan, advising him through a breakup and moveout, persuading his brothers to attend, etc, while being kept unaware of a very important detail. I can still hear his mother suggesting that he might need to forget about marriage and focus more on his career, unaware that he was already married. That just rankles.

18

Like Salem says, it isn’t having a separate ceremony from the legal one; it’s lying about it.

Yes, it was wrong, and I would feel pretty much as you do. I have no idea how I would act, but I would feel the same.

It’s that unsettling mix of horrifying and petty - lying to your family so they will fly to California to throw you a party. There are not enough :rolleyes: on the Internet.

Regards,
Shodan

19

Well clearly many people disagree with you. I get the whole thing about foreign weddings, or having the paperwork done on a different day due to logistics, but how long before the wedding ceremony, is too long in your mind? A year, 5 years, just curious. Or could someone have legally been married for 10 years, and then decide, hey we want a big ceremony with the dress, reception, and gifts…ya’ll come…and never tell anyone that they’ve been married the whole time; and you wouldn’t consider that to be dishonest?

20

I’m with Simplico on this one. I don’t know when the legal part of any of my friends’ or relatives’ marriages happened - I just know that they invited me to a great party to celebrate it. I’ve even skipped the “wedding” part of a few weddings and just went to the party. Actually a couple years ago I went to a reception in another state where no one was invited to the church part (small church?) just the reception.

If a woman, or a man, or a couple want to throw a big party in celebration of their marriage, and they invite me, then that’s awesome. I can’t really be bothered by the semantics of their lawful marriage.

I have a bunch of friends who traveled from all over to attend a commitment ceremony of two women in Ohio where they cannot be legally married. It’s all about the party, not the paper!

Being mad at your kid for hiding important details about their lives, I understand. But considering not going to his wedding because he didn’t follow a traditional time schedule for all the paperwork? Lame (I know you said you’d go, but the brothers are lame)