The important thing is that you told them what was going on, so that they could decide for themselves on how to celebrate. And if you are throwing a party for yourself, it wouldn’t make someone a jerk if they chose not to give you cake and presents - that is entirely a personal decision.
It’s also important to remember that your friends and family (mostly) aren’t going to tell you to your face if they’re offended.
As the OP says later, he probably used the wrong word. It’s clear that he was angry about being lied to, which you are not doing with your guests.
On my first marriage, we were married in the States and then went over to Japan for a second wedding. Everyone knew what it was and there were no pretensions otherwise.
If dishonesty is the issue then why are we talking about weddings and birthday parties at all? And I said it would make someone a jerk if they TOLD ME that I wasn’t allowed to have cake and presents on any day except the actual date of my birth, not if they didn’t give me a birthday present. It’s my birthday, and what date I choose to have a celebration or whether I choose to have any celebration at all is my personal decision. The Birthday Police aren’t going to bust in and arrest everyone if I blow out the candles on some date other than the actual anniversary of my birth.
If anyone was offended that on my actual birthday that year I didn’t want to pretend to be feeling great or force down a piece of birthday cake that I would probably vomit up a few minutes later and instead chose to have a celebration after I was out of the hospital then again, I think they would be the jerks and not me.
Nobody’s telling you nothin’. You decided to push your birthday party back a month, your guests decided they could roll with it, and it all worked out. I wasn’t criticizing that.
If you had decided to have your party, say, 8 months later, or have multiple birthday parties in the same year, nobody would stop you from trying that either - but it would probably come across as tacky and you’d receive some social consequences from it. That’s the only point I’m trying to make.
Also, if you are throwing your own party, then you are hosting your guests and they have no obligation to bring a present (no matter what date the party is) - that’s a separate issue though.
Really? Because it sure seems like you are. You’ve also apparently imagined a birthday celebration far more lavish than the one I actually had. For my birthday that year, my mother baked me a cake and I opened the gifts I’d received from my friends and relatives. The only “guests” were my immediate family, and since I was on medical leave from college we were all living in the same house at the time.
Yes, it is a separate issue, because it has nothing to do with anything I’ve posted. I didn’t say anyone was obligated to give me a birthday present. I said it would be jerkish for someone to tell me that I couldn’t have cake and presents on any date except the actual anniversary of my birth.
Well, this thread is about weddings after all. If your birthday party didn’t have anything wedding-like (invitations, etc.), then it’s not the best analogy - though I think everything I said still stands.
Nobody said that. I’m only saying that it would be jerkish for the birthday boy/girl to lie about their real date of birth in order to receive some social benefit, and/or have the party absurdly out of date.
You also suggested that my family and friends were secretly offended that I chose to celebrate my birthday a month late but just didn’t want to confront me about it:
Since I wasn’t lying to anyone, what is it about not wanting to have a birthday celebration until I was out of the hospital that you think was likely to cause offense?
I wasn’t suggesting that your family/friends were offended. As I said, your party sounds fine the way you describe it (I’m assuming you were a good host and didn’t demand the cake/gifts or something.)
My comment that they “aren’t going to tell you to your face if they’re offended” was more of an overall response to your statement that “nobody seemed to have a problem with this” - which is not a reliable thing to go by in general.
It’s ok to say “Hey, I went a little overboard there.”
Fair enough, apologies if I did go overboard on you or Lamia. It is, however, better to hear this point of view from an internet stranger before it may affect your relationships in real life.
…this is the most telling thing.
Why the air quotes for “real wedding?”
As far as the bride was concerned, this was her real wedding. The other wedding was just signing papers.
I’m not seeing the lie. This wasn’t a sham. It certainly wasn’t fake. This was the real wedding that the bride (and I assume the groom) had always wanted.
Did the Prodigal say the wedding was “just for show”, or is that how you perceive it? I’m a photographer, and the last wedding I shot was an actual celebration wedding as they had actually tied the knot months before. And no-one noticed and no-one cared.
If the bride and the groom considered this there real wedding, and they invited you along to celebrate their real wedding, where is the deception?
It had no legal status. It certainly isn’t real as far as the insurance companies, etc. are concerned.
What does “no-one noticed” mean?
I am pretty sure that no one I have a relationship in real life is so obsessed with the actual date of my birth that they would be offended that I chose to celebrate on some other date, particularly since my only reason for doing so was that I was suffering from severe medical problems and was not up to dealing with any sort of celebration on my actual birthday. If I am ever unfortunate enough to meet such a person, then as far as I’m concerned the sooner our relationship ends the better. At the time I was having to deal with the very real possibility that I would not be able to graduate from college, that I would be permanently disabled, and even that I might not live to see another birthday. Anyone who feels that their weird personal rules for birthday etiquette are the most important thing in such a situation is someone I’m better off without.
I told you several times that (a) nobody said that, (b) I don’t have any issue with your described party, and (c) that your birthday party / personal situation isn’t even a good analogy for this discussion on weddings. No need for the recreational outrage, seriously.
“Recreational outrage” is when a poster gets worked up about an issue that has nothing to do with them or their life. But what we’ve been talking about for the last few posts wasn’t some hypothetical birthday or something that happened to people I don’t know, it was my birthday celebration, my friends and family, and a very difficult time in my life. And even though you say you have no issue with the way I chose to celebrate my birthday, you’ve devoted several posts to lecturing me on how greedy and insensitive I was. You couldn’t even “apologize” without claiming that you were doing me a favor by suggesting that my friends and family were secretly offended by my behavior.
Since none of this has anything to do with you or your life, if either one of us is indulging in recreational outrage then it’s you. If you want to stop talking about this then by all means, please stop talking about it. In fact, I’d appreciate it if you did.
100% wrong on both counts. I’m at a loss as to how the F you got that message from my posts (I was positively bending over backward to be general and hypothetical), but I’m not apologizing for something I didn’t say.
…“this isn’t your real wedding because insurance.”
You must be real fun at parties.
What do you think it meant?
This non wedding was indistinguishable from a wedding . The bride and groom looked at each other as passionately as any other wedding couple. They partied like any other wedding.
What difference would you have noticed? And if you had been asked to attend would you consider yourself a prop?
My point is that the legal aspect is crucial to whether it’s truly the stressful, life-changing, no-going-back event that it’s being presented as - the type of event that people fly around the world to attend and support because the couple needs it. Signing the legal papers is what binds you to your partner, not having rose petals thrown at you. Do you think that courthouse weddings aren’t really real? The wedding you saw was basically an anniversary party with pretensions. Also, the same people who claim that signing papers isn’t “real” mysteriously have no qualms about using THAT date to get whatever economic benefits they can.
I was trying to ask whether the guests all knew it wasn’t a legal wedding, or if they were blissfully unaware. I’d probably still consider myself a prop but at least that much honesty goes a long way.
…as I said: a real drag at parties.
“This isn’t a celebration of love! Its a stressful, life changing no going back legal event!”
Signing papers are a formality. A requirement. You can be “bound” to your partner without having to sign a peice of paper.
Why would I think that?
Would you tell a bride that her special day wasn’t a real wedding?
Would you go up to a bride on her special day and tell her “this isn’t a wedding. This is an anniversary party with pretensions.”?
Because it doesn’t matter what your perceptions or beliefs are. The bride and groom have chosen this moment to share their love of each other with friends and family. This is their day: it isn’t yours. And if they choose to call their wedding a real one, who are you to say any different?
And no-one is arguing signing papers “isn’t real.” Strawmen aren’t helping your case.
Why exactly does it matter what they knew and when they knew it? Do you really only attend a wedding to watch them sign a bit of paper?
This. Prodigal is an asshole.