Wouldn’t bother me in the least. Not sure why it would.
…most brides and grooms I’ve worked with do everything possible to worry about the guests and family. It isn’t enabling tacky or rude behaviour to occasionally remind them that this is actually their wedding and that the rules of etiquette are subjective, and are not actual laws.
Crotalus, the issue isn’t the wedding happened long after the marriage, the issue is the lying and deception, given all the other ensuing life circumstances. He was kinda jerkish, but from the sound of things, that’s not the jerkiest thing he’s done.
Yep, nailed it.
That may have been part of it - disapproving family that you signed the papers rather than having a big ceremony.
I get that sometimes there are reasons to get married quickly or in a small ceremony, and later wish to have a full blown ceremony. I get that you might perceive the church ceremony as your wedding even though the papers were signed some time earlier. I guess the question of when you count your own marriage to have begun becomes a bit tricky the farther apart those dates become.
Do you consider yourself married just because you signed papers at the courthouse and receive certain benefits, or do you still consider yourself only engaged? Do you only consider yourself married once you have the ceremony and the exchange of vows?
If that’s they way you perceive it for yourself, then I guess it makes sense to ignore the documentation and remember the date of the ceremony.
Conversely, if you’re calling yourselves married because you signed the papers, it may be okay to have that big ceremonial marriage, but it’s kinda weird to then call that your official date for anniversaries and such.
Your stepson sounds like a real shitknob, and not a very smart one at that. If you want people to give you money when your life choices land you in deep shit, it’s generally a bad idea to condescend to and look down your nose at said people for making different choices than you. I would have told him long before this to either drop the attitude or get out of his financial jams on his own.
The difference is that presumably you’re not going to be standing there with your hand out for people to pay for things, bellowing “But it’s my *wedding/i]! The beginning of our married lives!” whenever things aren’t going your way. And in all honesty, all public weddings are playing dress up regardless of the relative timing of the public ceremony and paperwork. You made the vows that mattered when you agreed to spend your lives together, and then you shared them with all your friends and family. It’s wonderful and beautiful to have your friends and family gather together to see a stylized public re-enactment of the vows you’ve already made to each other, and then have a party. I wouldn’t trade my wedding day for anything in the world. But it was still essentially an excuse to play dress up and have a party with the people I love.
Also, it’s only fair to warn you that this wedding you’re planning for in the future–most other people aren’t going to see it as nearly so meaningful and special as you do. You’re already married, with a home and family, and all your friends and family treat you as such. Nothing is going to change in the way they perceive your relationship. They’ll be happy for you and glad to watch you reconfirm the vows you’ve already made, but it’s not going to be the huge deal for them that it would be if you were truly just starting your lives together. I’m not saying this to be bitchy or rain on your parade or downgrade your life choices, I’ve just seen a lot of people get really hurt and upset when they announce their wedding to someone they’ve had kids and a mortgage with for years and the response is “Oh, that’s nice.” I just don’t want you to feel as bad as those folks.
If she had her hand out for me to pay for stuff and was going on about how this was the beginning of their lives together,* while having been married and publicly living as married for almost a year*…you bet your ass I would. Because that’s just bullshit, and if we’re close enough that I’m supposed to help pay for her wedding, we’re close enough for me to call her on her shit.
If it were someone I knew less well, I wouldn’t say it, but I’d certainly be thinking it.
Crotalus, what happened to your thread? Who’s driving this rig? 
I think we can all agree that it was the lying part. Folks dissecting when a marriage is or how folks choose to celebrate, knock yourselves out, but I don’t see that as much related to the OP, as I believe he has already tried to indicate.
I wasn’t referring to disapproval, necessarily. It might just be that if they were already legally married the bride’s mother wouldn’t feel it necessary to come to the US on a date specified by the couple rather than a mutually convenient one. Or that she couldn’t afford to/didn’t want to come to the US at all , but would have done so to be present when her daughter got married. I suspect in most cases the issue of people who wouldn’t attend a reception taking place months after the legalities have less to do with disapproval (although I’m sure there are some) and more to do with time, expense and travel.
Arrogant man-child has no problem sponging off the people he thinks work mundane jobs and then lies to them and again takes their money for a wedding that already occurred knowing they would have likely refused.
At the very least I’d rewrite a will and deduct what was given him.
Until he grows up I’d keep my distance and there would be no additional trips to the well. He can sell his possessions or get a 2nd job just like you would in a financial crisis.
Where is the lie?
Your concern is noted. I suspect you may be projecting a bit of “Say Yes to the Dress” here. I’m at an age where I am going to 5-6 weddings a year, and relatively few of them are big princess style productions. It’s completely possible to have a sweet, fun, celebratory get-together of people who are genuinely happy for the couple whatever their particular circumstances. Indeed, I think most people would rather go to something like that than a picture-perfect Bridezilla-style “traditional” wedding.
Not disclosing he was already married, knowing that it mattered to family members. Call it what you will. A sin of omission.
…well then we obviously don’t all agree about the lying bit then.
Remember the part in the OP where I mentioned him moving out of her/their apartment for a while? The conversations surrounding that were full of lies on his part. There were lies of various sorts in pretty much every conversation we had from the engagement until the wedding celebration. I’m not going to list them.
I’m pretty much a spectator at this point. 
Lot of defensiveness in this thread. I don’t care if people separate the legal and the ceremonial in their marriages/weddings. But if my son consistently lied to me about his relationship while inviting me into it as a source of support and financing, I’d be well and truly pissed off.
If the couple wants to consider the ceremony to be the real start of their marriage, that’s their prerogative and none of the family’s business. I often keep my own business to myself. That is not a sin of omission just because my business matters to someone else. Busybodies can benefit from a healthy dose of MYOB and STFU.
Well then, thanks for that.
You know what I call a person who chooses to lie to family because it is entirely their prerogative to do so?
A liar.
Done here.
If they consider the ceremony to be the start of their marriage, there is no lie.
I better let the gay guy whose wedding I attended 10 years ago in IL know that the Internet says he is a liar.
While you’re at it, tell him not to bother getting gay marriage legalized since “signing the legal papers” is such a non-important, piddling little detail. And don’t forget to tell anyone else who eloped (Romeo and Juliet style) that their marriage just ain’t the real thing.
It sure is their prerogative to consider the second ceremony the real one. ( Because there is in fact a ceremony when you get married at the court house. Even if it’s limited to “do you want to marry him/her) But it’s not their prerogative to lead me to believe something that is not true ( that they are not legally married) , ask my advice about a situation in a way that avoids the truth (the possible break-up that would have in fact required a divorce), invite me into their business by asking me to contribute to the financing, let people know about the deception and then escape the consequences of that deception whether those consequences are hurt feelings, being seen as untrustworthy, a strained relationship, no further financial assistance whatever. My kid is perfectly free to say “MYOB” and STFU” to me about anything. But I am perfectly free to say “Get your hand out of my wallet”
Although to be perfectly honest, I don’t understand why the kid who thinks I should MYOB and STFU is inviting me to the wedding anyway, if I’m such a busybody.
Oh , and the gay couple 10 years ago- different situation completely. They didn’t and couldn’t get legally married 10 years ago, so there was no lie. They could have beautiful ceremonies in front of their families and friends that had no legal effect and everyone knew there was no legal effect. In some states they could enter into domestic partnerships which had no ceremony at all and which could be dissolved without a divorce. Funny thing though- just about every couple* I knew who did those things got that meaningless piece of paper just as soon as they could.
- Some gay couples like some straight couples want the benefits of domestic partnerships but don’t want to be legally married.