How would you handle this? [Family interaction with grandparent]

[Patx2]

@FloatyGimpy

What about going out for dinner and a show but not staying overnight? That might make her less anxious about it, knowing that she’ll just be out for a few hours but then back home to her own bed.

I really like that idea. I was mistaken with the venue, it’s further than I originally thought, but the trip from our house to grandmom’s isn’t far, we could just pick her up there late.

[Gatopescado]

My Two Cents:

Shut up, go to the show, and LIKE it. And the phone stays home.

[sugar_and_spice]

I think it depends on what you (and your husband and daughter) would expect in a “when the tables are turned” situation. When daughter has a birthday party, or small role in the school musical, or some other event that is important to her but not exactly once in a lifetime, will she be upset if these relatives don’t show up? If not, then IMO it’s fine to let her out of it, but she can’t be offended if she isn’t included the next time this crew gets together, and she can’t be upset if the aunts and cousins have some weak excuse to miss her next birthday or school event.

Speaking for myself, I didn’t grow up near my extended family, and when we traveled to see each other it was on schedules to suited us, so the idea of being “summoned” to a mundane family gathering is entirely foreign to me. But, I have friends who have to go to every damn family party. Not just weddings, anniversaries and birthdays – they have to make an appearance any time a cousin has a summer BBQ, because that’s what you do. The only acceptable excuses are work (but you show up afterwards) or another event that is higher on the social scale (ie, wedding before shower, shower before birthday party, etc). It’s not how I see things but I recognize lots of families operate that way.

All that said, I agree that a decent compromise is to ask her to go to the show, and speak with the adults yourself to get her out of the overnight. Grandma should be happy with that.

[Katriona]

@Patx2

I spoke with one of the sisters and told her that while we all thought it was nice my daughter was included, we felt like she was thrown under the bus. She didn’t understand my reaction at first and I went on to explain that a heads up would’ve been nice and that the daughter was taken off guard when grandmom was telling her all about it and how she was going too. The sister said it was all very last minute and there wasn’t a lot of discussion, she didn’t even know what show it was, another sister ordered the tickets.

She went on to say, and this is very true, my daughter really needs to be in control of her environment. Some people may have said, tickets? Great when are we going? She said if daughter doesn’t want to go that’s fine, grandmom would’ve been more upset if she hadn’t been included. Here’s the rub though. If she doesn’t go do they think she’s being selfish? At my age I don’t care, but at 15, it really matters what others think. If she does go, she has some slight anxiety issues which the family isn’t aware of. They knew last year because the anxiety began post concussion but they don’t know she still has some slight issues with it at times. I don’t know that it would, but if she feels stressed going it may cause some anxiety to creep up on her not an ideal situation.

Thanks for listening, dopers. The daughter and I will have a talk at some point and figure out how she wants to handle things.

However this one turns out, I wonder if the sisters would be amenable to maybe having the cousins rotate their “style” of events each time (year? quarter? whatever) “Hey, daughter really enjoys browsing through the museum; why don’t they do that with Grandma next time.” It might help with feeling less railroaded and help with the anxiety to know that OK, maybe this time I’m seeing a marching band, but next time it can be something less stress-inducing.

[amarinth]

@Nawth_Chucka

So much this; I know it’s not pertinent to this topic, but when my parents forced me (a young female from roughly 6 years old) to sleep next to my great-grandmother and grandmom, people I barely knew and in GGrandmom’s instance had no memory of on that visit, it was awful and I laid awake all night watching for the sun so I could flee the room.
I wasn’t used to sleeping next to anyone, much less those who snored and got up to pee several times a night in a bedside commode along w/ being in a strange house. My brother was never made to sleep next to them. I was excoriated for saying I didn’t want to do it, that it would hurt their feelings that I didn’t want to do this strange thing I was suddenly told I had to LOVE.
Forcing girls to show affection for people they don’t know sets a piss-poor example that my two ex-husbands and many failed relationships could point to. B/c how does a kid know when ‘You must show affection to this person you don’t know or it will hurt their feelings and you will look a bad person.’ ends?
Thanks for letting me rant.

To me, there is a giant gulf between forcing a small child to sleep in a bed with people she doesn’t know and asking a 15-year-old (even one with anxiety) to go to a spend a few hours watching a boring concert with a person that (from Patx2’s description) she knows well and likes.
I agree with your rant; I just don’t think it’s necessarily applicable to this situation.

@elbows

Forcing a relationship, they don’t feel, on a child never produces the desired result, in my experience. Just sayin’!

To me, this seems more forcing an activity than forcing a relationship. As I understand, the daughter doesn’t dislike these people, she’d just rather have been included in on the planning and done something else instead.

[doreen]

@Patx2

She said if daughter doesn’t want to go that’s fine, grandmom would’ve been more upset if she hadn’t been included.

This might have more to do with it than you think- my mother would be fine if one or even two of her four granddaughters didn’t attend some event with her , but she would be absolutely livid if a ticket wasn’t bought for them just because it was so last minute that the ticket buyer couldn’t check with them or their parents first. In her mind, it would be no different than if my two sisters and I vacationed together with all our kids and didn’t invite my brother and his kids. I’d rather buy the tickets and try to sell them or give them away or go myself than not have tickets for one or two of them.

Do these surprises always involve doing something with Grandma? Maybe your husband could get his sisters to plan ahead a little better. Sure, the show is not until March but it sounds like the tickets were bought a day or two before Christmas. If they had decided a week or two before, they would have had time to check with you.

[Patx2]

@doreen

This might have more to do with it than you think- my mother would be fine if one or even two of her four granddaughters didn’t attend some event with her , but she would be absolutely livid if a ticket wasn’t bought for them just because it was so last minute that the ticket buyer couldn’t check with them or their parents first. In her mind, it would be no different than if my two sisters and I vacationed together with all our kids and didn’t invite my brother and his kids. I’d rather buy the tickets and try to sell them or give them away or go myself than not have tickets for one or two of them.

Do these surprises always involve doing something with Grandma? Maybe your husband could get his sisters to plan ahead a little better. Sure, the show is not until March but it sounds like the tickets were bought a day or two before Christmas. If they had decided a week or two before, they would have had time to check with you.

Thanks, Doreen, that makes sense. As far as the surprises, I don’t know that it’s something they do every year. I know they did it last year, but it was only the sisters, the granddaughters weren’t included. This year for some reason they decided to step it up and include them.