I’ve lived in the UK for two and a half years now. Prior to that, I lived in Auckland, New Zealand for about twelve years. My family is based in Christchurch, New Zealand, which is on a different island so we haven’t seen each other regularly over those years. We aren’t a close extended family, I only see my aunts/uncles/cousins at very special occasions like weddings and funerals.
My aunt is coming to the UK and will be passing our way. I suggested she and her traveling friend come stay with us a couple of nights - she suggested some dates (a Friday and Saturday) which I said would be fine.
She emailed yesterday, just before leaving to go to the UK and provided slightly different dates (the Saturday and Sunday).
Now. Sunday is Collectormania, which me and my husband were planning on travelling down to Milton Keynes to attend. That’s a two hour drive each way with four to five hours at the event. Leonard Nimoy is going to be there. Also Nathan Fillion. Yes, we are massive geeks. This, to me, feels like a once in a lifetime event to meet two people I really admire.
Having thought about this, I see a few options:
Forget about Collectormania, suck it up and spend the day with my Aunt instead, letting my husband go to Collectormania on his own.
Let my Aunt know about the event and ask if she can be flexible with her travel plans. She has already said that they are simply making their way from London to Scotland in a hired car, stopping along the way, so potentially they could alter their plans to come a day earlier.
Let my Aunt know about the event and say they are welcome to the use of our house on that day, but we won’t be back till the evening.
Number two is my preferred option, but is it rude? Number three is definitely rude, in my books.
Can you invite her to come with you? If she doesn’t want to go (and she probably won’t), you can then go to a combo 2 and 3 “Well, can you move your schedule around? If you can’t, you’re of course welcome to use the house.”
I’d say 2 or 3, give her the choice. Or both, maybe they’d like to visit on Saturday and spend Sunday just lounging around a regular house reading the paper.
I don’t think you’re being rude to tell her your not available Sunday, you have big plans that have been in the works for a while. Offering your house and making yourself available on Saturday enough to be hospitable.
I agree with Manda JO, if you can invite her then I’d do that, let them decide if they want to go. I love to tag along for random stuff when I visit friends, even if it’s not something I’d go do if I were by myself.
Thanks for your replies, I feel greatly relieved, I must say.
Inviting her along would feel a bit fake, this is a sci-fi convention thing, not the sort of thing my elderly aunt would be remotely interested in, so I’d feel a bit silly asking her.
Personally, I’d rather be asked and say no then be told “we have plans” and not invited. I’d assume it was because you didn’t want me along ruining your fun, not because you think I wouldn’t be interested. You just have to ask in a way that makes it clear it’s ok if they say no: “You might find it really interesting or you might find it a bit geeky–it’s not everyone’s sort of thing”.
Hmmm…I’m not convinced, to be honest. I’m a bit of the black sheep in the family, the geeky one. There is absolutely no-one else in my family who would be interested in something like this.
If I was to invite my aunt, I’d probably need about ten minutes to explain what it is and why on earth people would even want to attend something like that.
I’d feel much more comfortable being upfront and saying, ‘It’s a science fiction event that I know you’re not going to be interested in attending.’
Yeah, I can see where you are coming from, in that we shouldn’t pre-judge others. What I can’t get over, though, is the feeling of fakeness I would have if I asked her. I don’t want her to attend, I don’t think for a moment she would want to attend, so it would feel wrong to ask her in the first place.
You say you don’t like people to tell you what they know about you, but if someone did this to me, I’d be thinking, ‘Why on earth would they think I would be interested in that?’ which is equally ‘offensive’ in that it shows they clearly don’t know me.
Well she changed plans at the last minute, so why not say:
“Sorry, we’d already made plans for the Sunday. Of course we’d happily invite you, but it’s a science fiction event and I don’t expect you’d be interested.”
I’ve had it happen to me before–I went to visit my sister in Australia, and found that only a little while after I arrived, she and my brother-in-law were off to their weekly pub trivia game. I was not invited. Which was actually fine by me, since I’d just travelled halfway around the world and was jet-lagged and in no mood to meet anybody new.
Besides, it made sense otherwise also. I’m visiting Sis, which is nice since I haven’t seen her for a few years, but I certainly don’t expect her to upset her usual routine just because I’m there. Sure, she will take a few days off work to show me around; but otherwise, it seems reasonable to me that she (and BIL) will go to work, tend to the garden, do the grocery shopping, and otherwise follow their normal, everyday routine. I’m the guest; I shouldn’t be demanding that Sis and BIL drop everything and spend every waking moment entertaining and being with me. That, or even that expectation, would seem to me to be rude.
But I don’t know the people involved in the OP’s family. As I said, as one who it has happened to before, I didn’t mind. I can’t speak for how your aunt would react, though.
They are unilaterally changing the dates, and you already have plans. I’d just say so: Love to see you, but we understood you were coming Friday/Saturday, and we’ll be gone on Sunday.
I think the Geek-Factor of the event is completely irrelevant; it doesn’t matter if they don’t think your plans are important, it only matters that you do.
I would NEVER be offended if someone offered to “let” me tag along on something THEY found fun to do. They arent proclaiming you are in love with something you obviously aren’t. They are just open to the possibility you might be willing to step outside your normal range of activities. And letting you know that YOUR company and enjoyment ARE important to them.
Anything other interaction than “Wanna go with us?” replied to with “Thanks, sounds cool” or "No thanks, but thanks for asking " smacks of that rediculous triple reverse physcology / where the insult hidden? baloney that mostly women are famous for.
Ask/offer politely. Let them accept or deline politely. Move on. Geesh.
I’d phrase it more along the lines of, “We have a prior commitment on Sunday, and have arranged to take time of work on Friday. Is it possible for you to keep to the original dates?” If it isn’t, then I suggest you both suck it up. Long term, family is more important than a day’s pleasure.
I couldn’t imagine any well-intentioned and gracious houseguest taking offense at an invitation to join a family outing. The only exception might be if we picked the dates and I bought the tickets and then they told me that oh, that’s the day they go to six flags and it’s $60 a ticket, but that’s not what happened here.
At the same time, I can also understand having family that is not well-intentioned and gracious. If that’s how you feel about them then don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Offer 2 and/or 3 as you are willing. If you stick to your original commitment and have a nice visit then you’ll have some fond memories. If you give up a day you were really looking forward to then (on top of existing bad feelings) you’ll probably just be resentful in the end.
I wouldn’t take offense yet to them switching the dates (eta: not that you said you have), it could be she just filed it under ‘weekend of the 23rd’ and forgot. If they get huffy that you won’t be around then you can take offense.
If you used glee’s approach, perhaps you could also offer that perhaps Aunty would enjoy the day trip to Milton Keynes with you, and then possibly she could join you for part of the convention, or else head off on her own to an exhibit of china cats, or whatever Milton Keynes has that would be appealing to elderly aunts.
I agree it’s not at all offensive to invite someone to an outing even they are not mad fans of the subject … they could turn out to be mildly interested or simply enjoy spending time with you.
Given the nature of your aunt’s trip, it’s possible as well that she might be tired of driving around in a car and would welcome a day of rest at your home, so I’d be sure to be clear that it’s a moderate drive to get to the convention.
Make your elderly aunt watch Firefly on Saturday. By Sunday she’ll be dying to go with you to see Nathan Fillion.
Yes, Auntie - I have our time all planned out. Today you’re going to spend 12 hours watching DVDs. No, seriously. You’ll thank me! Tomorrow you’re going to a Sci-Fi convention."
What? 