Who's in the wrong in this situation? (Invitation related)

In My Humble Opinion
1

One of my sisters, “Norma,” and I are having a minor argument, ostensibly about etiquette but probably more about family and pride. For those who prefer to skip the long explanation, here are the basic questions:
[ul]
[li]Do you feel free to invite your relatives to a “family” occasion you are not hosting?[/li][li]Would you feel free to accept such an invitation? and[/li][li]Do you ask permission to attend events to which you are not invited, if said non-invite might reasonably be just an oversight?[/li][/ul]

Here’s the details if anybody’s curious.

Each Labor Day, our oldest sister, “Jean,” throws a big picnic for her family and friends. One of the perennial invitees to this picnic is Jean’s best friend of many years, “Diana.” Having known one another since college, Jean and Diana consider one another sisters; they’re godmothers to one another children, they were each other’s maid of honor, and so forth. Norma is also very close to Diana. But I am not. I don’t dislike her; I just don’t know her well. She’s almost ten years older than me; when she and my sister met, Jean was in living in the dorms (i.e., was not living in the same house as me) and I have never spent much time with her. Diana and I work for the same large company, but in different divisions and locations; I never have occasion to interact with her professionally, though I do wave at her in the halls and occasionally exchange emails with her on superficial issues.

Anyway…this year, Diana decided that she wanted to host her own Labor Day picnic, so Jean cancelled hers. I learned this when I called Jean to ask if she wanted me to bring anything over; her response was “Oh, I’m going over to Diana’s this year.” My other sisters, our father, and my sisters’ kids all went to Diana’s house for said picnic. But I did not, because I had not been invited. I saw Diana a couple of times in the week before Labor Day and she did not mention the picnic; nor did I ask about it. Instead I went to a picnic another friend of mine was throwing.

This upset Norma. She felt this was a family occasion which I should have gone to, and that my refusal to do so is part of a pattern of avoiding family get-togethers. Diana did not invite me individually, Norma says, because she thought the invitation was implied; I always go to Jean’s picnic, after all.

My position is that I did not simply because I was not asked, and neither Norma nor Jean is privileged to invite me to someonee else’s home; also, I certainly wasn’t going to ask to be invited, as that seems rude. Diana could easily have asked me so if she had wanted me there. Admittedly she probably would not have objected if I had come along with my sisters–but I don’t think it would have been appropriate for me to crash the party like that.

Thoughts, anyone? Bueller?

2
  1. No.
  2. Depends on who the host is and what the inviter’s relationship is with that person.
  3. Depends – in your scenario, I think I might have asked, if I wanted to go. Doesn’t sound like you wanted to go.
3

I wouldn’t have minded going; I certainly didn’t wish to spend Labor Day at home, and I would have enjoyed seeing my sisters and nieces. But as I said, Diana didn’t ask me, and a mixture of manners and pride kept me from asking her. I don’t like people who push for invitations, and I certainly don’t like people who show up uninvited.

4
  1. No
  2. No
  3. Yes
5

You were right not to assume an invitation. If your sisters wanted you there, they should have asked Diana to invite you.

6

Long time no see, Skald

  1. Only the host or duly authorized designees may invite guests.

  2. No.

  3. No. Odds are good I don’t want to go anyway. Damn sure ain’t gonna go looking for invites for stuff I don’t want to do.
    Also, on your facts, I’d question how the hell a “family” event can be hosted by a non-family member?

7

I agree with you completely, and I would have done the same thing. It depends on my mood whether I ask to be invited to something I’m not invited to, but in general I would never do it; to me, it seems rude. Your sisters should not have assumed that you, without an invitation, would be going to the picnic. I have been hurt a few times in the past when I haven’t been invited to some of my cousins’ weddings while my parents and the rest of my cousins have. Apparently my cousins don’t invite me because they live up north and I live in Florida and they figure I wouldn’t go anyway, but heck–it’s nice to be invited, and maybe I WOULD go if I were.

8

Depends. Did you know that the rest of your family was going to go to Diana’s party beforehand?

If not, and all Jean said was “Oh, I’m going over to Diana’s this year,” then you’d have no reason to think that you were invited or expected to attend.

If so, or if Jean said something more like, “We’re doing it at Diana’s this year”, then if I were you, I would have asked Jean, “So, am I invited? Is Diana planning to have us all there, or is it just for her own family and friends?” And if she answered something vague like, “Oh, I’m sure you’re welcome,” I’d ask her to check with Diana first.

I’ve been burned both ways: once, I didn’t attend something I “should have known” I was invited to and was considered stuck up for needing to be invited personally, and other times, I went along with friends who assured me I’d be welcome, only to find out I wasn’t. So when in doubt, I ask - either the host themselves, or the person who was invited, as would be appropriate in this case.

9
  1. No
  2. No
  3. No. (good excuse to avoid something I’d probably only attend out of obligation)
10

I was wallowing in self-pity for a while, Oak. That got boring so I decided to build an electro-ray and destroy Metropolis, but I was frustrated by the laws of physics, not to mention the irritating non-existence of Metropolis. :cool:

Well, Norma and Jean would both say that Diana is so close to them that she is family. While I understand that–I consider my best friend from college family–I don’t think such relationships are transitive.

11
  1. No
  2. No
  3. No

Even if it’s family, you may not know the mix of people being invited (i.e., is it a very small, intimate family event or are they inviting the whole family and maybe forgot); also, it’s rude to party crash or invite yourself to other people’s gatherings, even if you know them well.

The only thing I would have done differently is maybe bring up the party a few times in conversation; if it was never implied that I’d be going (such as, "Oh, what you bringing to the party?), I would assume I wasn’t invited. If it were implied, I’d say I hadn’t been invited and didn’t want to invite myself in case it was a more private affair.

12
  1. Nope
  2. Nuh-huh
  3. Nah. (Well, maybe if I thought there was some oversight or if I was getting conflicting/strange information through the information chain.)
13

Au contraire!

14

  1. It really depends what kind of event and how I was invited and how I know the person. If the person said “you and your family” I might feel comfortable bringing my sibling without explicitly stating it.

  2. Again, it depends. My sibling is a little more clueless, so i would probably dig deeper for information.

  3. Wow, again it depends.

I could be wrong, but I got the impression from your post that you had at least an inkling that your sisters were assuming you would attend, and that you were intentionally waiting for an explicit invitation. That’s a little rude, too.

I completely understand wanting an explicit invitation from the hostess, even if conveyed via a friend. However, there’s a difference between fishing for an invitation (rude) and clarifying something when you realize the people involved have different expectations (not at all rude, in fact, courteous and desired).

15

If this was her exact wording, i.e. “I’m going over,” not, “We’re all going over,” then how on earth were you supposed to know that you were invited? Furthermore, surely she would have then said, “Ring Diana to see if there’s anything she wants you to bring,” if you were invited, or something along those lines.

Someone, somewhere, fucked up. Someone assumed that someone would tell you the party was happening at Diana’s place. But that someone didn’t tell you. Maybe Diana said to Jean, ‘Have you invited everyone?’ and Jean thought, ‘Yes, I’ve told everyone it’s at your place,’ so answered, ‘Yes, I have.’

16

Do you really have sisters named Norma and Jean?

17

Without troubling to check your link, I know what Metropolis you’re talking about. I figured Oak or plant would bring it up, though.

18
  1. No. You don’t attend if you’re not invited and you were not invited by the host, or by anyone that I can tell. Jean said “I am” not “we all are” going to Diana’s. And Diana said nothing to you when she certainly could have at any time.
  2. No. You don’t attend if the host doesn’t invite you. “Implied” invitations don’t exist.
  3. No. It’s considered rude to ask because it puts the host on the spot to say “why yes” when she didn’t really plan on you.

Was Norma invited by Diana? Was the rest of the family? Norma might be upset because you did the correct thing which sorta makes her look rude? Did Diana ask where you were at the party? How did the rest of the fam know the change in venue?

You did the right thing and probably dodged a bullet.

19

I agree with this in its entirety. If you knew that your entire family was going, then that essentially makes it into a family event for you, and a little bit more prodding to make sure you are/are not invited seems appropriate. Without a specific invitation from Diana, I still wouldn’t go, though.

20

You probably wouldn’t have been out of line had you attended, though it might have been a bit awkward. But you certainly weren’t out of line for not attending. Even if you had been explicitly invited, you still wouldn’t have been out of line if you had said that you’d prefer to hang out with some other friends.