Am I wrong, or is this rude? At the very least, inconsiderate

The BBQ Pit
1

All right, today is my cousin’s graduation family. Said cousin is my dad’s goddaughter. Her mother (who died when I was 11), was MY godmother, and my dad’s sister.

Now, her father comes from a wealthy Italian family, (he was born in Rome) and one of his sisters belongs to a chi-chi country club, where she throws parties for my cousin and her brother (graduation, communion, etc). Now, we were naturally invited to said party. NOT by formal invitation, or even by a verbal one, but more of my uncle telling my grandmother by phone and saying, “Well, hey, everyone’s invited.” (Keep in mind this is not our usual family barbecue/picnic party, but a formal luncheon/dinner at said chi-chi country club. With his family, a group of wealthy yuppie snobs).

A few days after this, my uncle needed a headcount (maybe he should have sent invitations saying RSVP?), so he called and said, “NOw, of course you know you’re invited, right?” (This is the first we’ve heard of him.)

We were lead to believe that this was going to be a business casual dress party out on the patio-sundresses, slacks, polos, that sort of thing.

Well, we’re getting ready to go today, and my sister’s in the throes of PMS and delaying us, insisting she’s not going, she has nothing to wear, etc, before finally settling on a dressy tank top and black slacks. My dad has on a polo shirt and khakis, I’m wearing a cute little black and white sundress, my mom has on a flowered sundress, sandals, etc.

When right before we’re about to leave, when my mom’s taking the dog out, we get a call. It’s my aunt, my dad’s sister, from her cell-phone, as she’s driving to the party saying, “Oh, didn’t you know? They couldn’t get the patio so it’s in the dining room-semi-formal attire, you aren’t allowed in without a jacket and tie.”

My dad’s pissed. Keep in mind, we were running late-had my sister not been scrambling around trying to find something to wear, we would have left already-and most likely have not been allowed in. No one thought to tell us this-EVERYONE of my dad’s other sisters knew about this. No one thought to call us a little bit earlier and let us know. My uncle couldn’t even call us himself. Just pass a word to my dad, oh, no big deal. So now my dad is scrambling to find a jacket and tie and dress shirt, the dresses my mom and I have on are fine, but sis still has to find a skirt and blouse.
We went out to Ponderosa for dinner instead. We come home, someone tried to call us while we were gone. Then one of my aunts calls and asks what’s up. My dad told her, and she tried backpeddling…“um, um, well, you wanna talk to [my uncle]?” My dad declined and hung up.
My parents are hurt. This isn’t the first time we’ve been snubbed like that-mostly little things, like everyone else goes out to dinner, but never invites us, etc.

Are we overreacting, or was this pretty rude?

2

How do I get a membership to a chi-chi country club? Do they have topless golf? :smiley:

But yea, that was rude. If dress is ever an issue it should be made very clear to avoid embarassment all across the board.

3

It seemed a little rude to me too, but if it makes you feel any better, Guin, you can come to my wedding reception clothing optional. :wink:

4

Seriously? Disregarding the other snubs that you mentioned - you overreacted. It’s something that I think anyone might have forgotten if it was a verbal invite. And to completely skip the party was a bit childish. It doesn’t seem like your uncle would have purposely snubbed you, but it was just forgotten. Maybe so-and-so thought someone else had called, and THEY thought someone else had called, etc.

But if it was in a long line of snubs and being left out of things, then I understand the reaction, having been the snubbed one myself.

But I still think you should have just gone to the party, then called your uncle later and told him that you were all upset about it. Especially if they needed a headcount - chances are, they were paying per head, and depending on the price, they may have had to pay $50-80 for your meals, even if you didn’t show.

Ava

5

I think it was pretty rude and inconsiderate. Members of my family tend to do that very same thing. We don’t always get something in writting, which is all we ask for, and when we don’t show up, we always get the phone call wondering where we were.

On the flip side, Crunchy’s sister is so anal about invites, we recieved an addressed invite to his 3 yr old niece’s b-day party. In instances like that we would much rather to have them just call us.

6

All the more reason to make sure an invite went out.

7

And completely off subject, I’m gonna get a little anal and point out: invite is a verb. Invitation is a noun.

Thank you.

8

Well, it really wasn’t my call to make-I don’t drive (can’t because of my meds), and so I wasn’t the one deciding.

My dad’s really hurt about the whole thing.

His sister’s paying for the whole thing, I believe. I think it was a buffet type thing, anyways, so I don’t think they’re paying for individual plates.

But how considerate would WE have been if we showed up and were turned away?

And apparently he thought enough to mention it to everyone else that it was in the dining room-just not us.

shrugs

9

invite is also a noun. Look it up.

10

IMO I don’t think it was an issue of consideration on your parts whether or not you would have been turned away. To just have sent an invitation letting you know, would have been sufficient. At least with an invitation you would maybe have known it might have been formal? :shrugs:

FWIW Even at buffet type meals, there is a price per head. For our reception, we are paying for 250 heads regardless and it’s buffet dinning.

11

I thought about this after I posted my response, and yeah, I don’t necessarily think you were in the wrong to not show up. It seems like they didn’t feel it necessary to inform you about the dress. Honestly, I can think about price-per-head, etc, and I know that we still pay a price per head for our buffet wedding reception, so if someone doesn’t show up, we still pay, but that still pales in comparison to feelings.

I’d probably have been pissed and hurt, too. I still think someone needs to call your uncle and tell him exactly why. Let the ball be in his court and let them make it up to you.

Ava

12

How does someone have to “scramble to find” these things? Where does your dad normally keep jackets and ties? How long could it possibly take to locate and don a sport coat and tie?

Agreed that the hosts should have informed you of the wardrobe issues as soon as they became known but your dad acted very childishly. Your dad made it about him when it was supposed to be about your cousin’s graduation. IMHO he should write a letter of apology to the cousin directly, perhaps with any graduation gift he was otherwise planning to give. The next time he and the hosts are together your dad should say something like “sorry about the confusion” and they should say the same. Then both sides should forget about it.

13

My dad informed my grandmother (it was actually her that called, from the party), and asked, and right now, he’s too pissed to talk to my uncle without cussing him out and making it worse.

I’m sure my grandmother will inform him. If not, like I said, it’s not up to me, so I’m staying out of it, as my dad will only get pissed at ME.
I probably would have gone, but had said something. But that’s me.
My dad wasn’t so much scrambling to find them-he has plenty of suits and ties, being a funeral director, and all, as we were hurrying to get changed so we could go on time. And then I said to my father, who was just standing there, looking so pissed, “Hey, why not just forget it and go out to dinner instead?” Just an offhand remark, but he thought it was a good idea. I don’t think any of us were looking forward to going so much, since it’s a pretty stuffy atmosphere-like I said, my uncle comes from a family of big time snobs.

14

What I see is a mass confusion, lots of hurt feelings etc. This is family, right? they can issue invitations, spell out dress code, you also can ask about it. your side is hurt ;cause they didnt spell out the dress code in sufficient time for you to deal w/it easily (though the fact that they called suggests to me some level of confusion in their house as well “did you tell them dress code? I thought you did”) and your side chose to forego a big event to a young person.

what would you loose by being gracious about it now? If they do this sort of thing ‘a lot’ pre-empt it by asking for dress code and so on. It’s family Do you really want to draw the line in the sand over a coat and tie?

15

I find it difficult to conceive that you would go to such a party without dressing up: for me, business casual means sports-jacket or blazer and tie - and a jumper under the jacket if it’s cold. Add on what you know of the family and the place, and I’d suggest that you simply misinterpreted the requirements. And if you had dressed too nicely, well, it’s easy to take off a jacket or tie, or roll up the shirt-sleeves; it’s impossible to put on a jacket you don’t have.

16

Well, like I said-it’s not really up to me, to do so. I didn’t really care one way or the other.

But try telling that to my dad. shrugs

We were told originally that it was just casual-not jeans, but not tie and shirt, either. Then they told us at the last minute. I think it’s just that it’s been done to us before-we’re always the ones told at the last minute, always the ones they “forget” to invite to parties, out to dinner, that sort of thing.

Yes, I do think my dad should say something to my cousin, but I’m not the one who should tell him that, unless I want him flipping out on me.

17

Eh, I think is more “confusion” than “rude.” You mentioned it’s not the first time you were snubbed – but I don’t think you were snubbed in this instance. Someone did call you about the dress code, how hard could it have been to don a jacket and tie? From the way you described your uncle and his family (snobs), and their choice of party venue (chi chi has a negative connotation, although lately I have noticed people using it simply mean “upscale,” which is not really correct), it doesn’t seem like you and your immediate family were that enthusiastic about attending to begin with, in which case you might have thought to graciously decline the invitation when you first received it. While I also bemoan the decline of the written invitation, you did receive a verbal invitation, and accepted it. That’s still an invitation.

18

Every time my husband needs a jacket and tie, he has to buy one, as his weight changes over the years. He MIGHT need such apparel once or twice a decade, for a wedding or funeral. Otherwise, he will wear a polo or t shirt and jeans.

We DO live in Texas, after all.

19

Anyone but me read a little Passive-Agressive thing going on here?

Just me? I’ll be moving on then.

20

Yes, treating someone as an afterthought is exceedingly rude. Even if someone is an afterthought, you simply do not treat them like one. Not bothering to tell someone that they’re invited until you need a headcount is pretty assy, imo, and saying, “Oh, you do know you’re invited, right?” is even assier. It ain’t that much work to pick up the goddam phone and let someone know they’re invited to your party, and it’s certainly not Grandma’s job to send your fuckin’ invitations out for you. Expecting other people to invite someone to your party for you, that’s lazy, tacky, and presumptuous, and it sends the message that some invitees aren’t worthy of the tiny little bit of effort it takes to contact them.

I’d be fairly ticked if that was the whole issue, but it’s not, is it? No, they get treated like an afterthought about the dress code, too. Somebody calls them after they were supposed to have left and says, “Oh, by the way, you did know the dress code has changed, right?” No apologies for having not told them earlier, no “I can’t believe nobody called you before,” no “thank goodness I caught you,” nothing. If they’d left on time, they would have been refused admission to the party, and nobody seems to give a rat’s ass that they would have been embarrassed like that. Nobody seems to give a shit about the hassle of them all trying to change clothes on short notice when they’re already running late. In short, nobody really seems to give a flying fuck if they come at all. I think I would have gone to Ponderosa, too.