I don’t think the dresscode is the issue, dresscode is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Being ignored is the issue. Being the last to know, being invited by proxy, being the afterthought "of course they’re invited, they’re family (and we’re required to invite them). As if you don’t rate a phonecall or inclusion on a guest list so that changes can be quickly communicated.
I would have been offended if I were in the OP’s situation. It can be a big hassle to have to change to meet a dress code at the last minute. I have one or two dresses that would fit the situation. If they were dirty, I’d be out of luck and scrambling.
I can see why some people wouldn’t go. As CrazyCatLady said, being treated as an after thought makes you feel like you’re not really wanted there and wouldn’t be missed.
So I guess whether I’d go would depend on my relationship with the cousin. If we were close and I felt she’d really want me there, I could probably manage to throw something together and get there. The party was for her and not her dad. But if we weren’t close and I thought she really wouldn’t care if I were there or not, I’d probably hit the Ponderosa myself.
This sort of situation is exactly why we have silly little rules like sending out invitations for formal events. If you have a written invitation that specifies how to dress, you don’t have to call people right before the event and tell 'em to change their clothes. I, for one, am a college student who does not own a suit, and if something like this happened, I’d have to decline. A lot of people don’t have much call to dress that way, which is exactly why invitations are supposed to make it clear - gives you some time to prepare.
If someone casually tells you they’re having a formal event, IMHO at least you have every right to say, “Oh, how wonderful! I’ll be sure to look for the invitation in the mail.”
Same Same.
[slight hijack]
Just out of curiousity, is there some “default” dress code? In other words, if no dress code is specified, what am I supposed to wear?
[/slight hijack]
What CCL said. It sounds like Guin and her family were invited off-the-cuff as a familial social obligation rather than as people whom the hosts genuinely wanted to see. IOW, “send a gift, but don’t worry about coming.” IMO (and E), this is a horribly tacky way to do business, because it only leads to hurt feelings and family discord.
Robin
And so, friends…we are left with an important life lesson:
If there is a dress code involved, send invitations. I know this doesn’t always work, i.e., some of the get-ups we see at dressy weddings defy logic, but people tend to think dressier when the invitation is in writing or they have an idea what kind of place the affair is being held.
It depends largely upon the event and location thereof. For example, if you’re having an event at a pizza place, you’d wear different clothes than you would to, say, a country club. Or you would wear different clothing to a BBQ than you would to a graduation party with the graduates family. At a country club, I think during the day you can wear stuff like kahkis and a shirt with a collar, but in the evening, you would need to wear a sport coat and tie. Yes, yes - my mom is a member of the country club. At the club, and I think at most country clubs, anything denim is strictly prohibited. In fact, if one of her guests wears denim, she receives a letter about it. I think it’s horrible, but, hey - them’s the rules.
But, if the event is something that is traditionally formal, but the hosts would like to make it more casual, they should call or include that information in their invitation far in advance of the event. For example, I went to a friend’s wedding reception Saturday. It as a catered affair for which she had rented out a riverboat (it was a ton of fun, by the way). I knew she was going to wear her wedding dress (her wedding was in Connecticut, but she was having a reception in St. Louis, too). I would have worn a nice semi-formal cocktail-type dress, but she called all the invitees about a month, then again a week before the event, to let everyone know, “Hey, this is a casual affair. Please don’t wear jeans, but other than that, kahkis (sp?) or other casual clothes are fine.”
I’m with Lynn on this one. I don’t have any nice clothes. I have a suit that doesn’t fit and needs to be cleaned, anyway.
Ardred has jeans and polos. Nicer than that and we have to go shopping.
Rude.
If it was a such a high falutin’ event, they should have sent invitations. Hell, 'round here we send invitations for the “card table in the garage” graduation open house - we’d certainly send them for “we are renting a hall.” And the invitations should have said “semi formal attire”
And I’d guess they did - just not to you. If they did, everyone needs to get them - its rude to invite some people via invitation and others with a word of mouth verbal invitation. If they didn’t, at least they weren’t rude in this respect.
And if they are going to give verbal invitations to a chi-chi event, they do it themselves. They don’t have their second cousin’s girlfriend’s parrot call you up and let you know its happening. Free for all college keggers, yep - an invitation from the parrot works (think I ended up at a few of those with less of an invite than from the second cousin’s girlfriend’s parrot). Dinner at the country club, no, until I hear from the host I wouldn’t have considered myself invited.
Hell, we sent out invitations for my grad party and my sister’s-and both were just hamburgers and hot dogs in the backyard!
Like I said, my dad HAS suits-plenty of them, being a funeral director he wears suits to work every day plus he’s something of a metrosexual. And my sister and I both have nice dresses-although the one I was already wearing would have definitely worked-it’s that kind of dress that can be dressed down, or dressed up.
My mother though, doesn’t have really any “nice dresses”, and she would have been terribly self-conscious.
I think, though, in the end it was the fact that my dad was deeply hurt-and still is-over being treated like an afterthought. My cousin is his goddaughter, yet we barely hear from them. Her mother was my godmother and favorite aunt. (There’s also a lot of baggage there between the family that I’m not going into here).
I’m not going to mention any of this to my father-he’ll just start ranting. But it’s not so much me that’s bothered, I’m more upset for my dad. He does a lot for the family, and then he’s treated like a second class citizen and taken for granted.
There’s plenty of blame to go around here. The not-showing-up, and the hanging-up-on-the-uncle bits pretty much relieved you of the right to complain about their inexcusable rudenesses.
And the cousin who’s accomplishment was being celebrated seems to have been all but lost in this.
You can still be the bigger person. You can apologize (or encourage dad to). At the very least, you can send a card and present to the cousin.
Y’all seem to be having difficulty communicating with each other. Uncle invites you to a party via grandma, you find out in a round about way about the change in dress code, and dad is now furious at uncle but won’t talk to him and instead complains to Grandma.
My goodness. Would it be terribly difficult to just pick up the phone and talk to each other?
As far as mistakes go, yes, of course decorum indicates that they should have communicated to you about the dress code well in advance. An invitation would have been ideal. Your aunt did tell you, but the late notice inconvenienced you. Bad form. Shame on uncle.
However, this was a party thrown for your cousin – your father’s goddaughter. Uncle hurt your feelings indirectly by not communicating to you about the dress code. So to retaliate, you deliberately hurt your cousin’s feelings? Why should she pay for the sins of her father?
Imagine the party, if you will. Your table is conspicuously empty. Someone asks, “Where’s GuinClan?” Aunt volunteers that she JUST talked to you an hour or two ago and you were coming. They might even be holding dinner, waiting for you to show. Someone might even call your house or cell phone looking for you, worrying about you. Instead of being a party about your cousin, the focus is now on YOU. Finally, they go on with dinner, still wondering what happened to you. That’s not very nice.
As the old adage goes, two wrongs don’t make a right. I would have gone to the party for no other reason than because I said I’d be there and I honor my word. There’s also the no small matter that someone would be out big bucks had I accepted the invitation and then didn’t show. Unless you absolutely had nothing to wear, your refusal to go was petty.
Yes, your Uncle is partly to blame. But his slight was indirect. Yours was deliberate.
Two words: Cowboy formal.
See, now, this is the beauty of living in a place like Texas or New Mexico. Where else could you wear a pair of jeans, boots, a dress shirt, a bolero, and a hat and be appropriately dressed for a formal affair?
Not that you’d ever see me trying to pull it off.
Trying to convince my dad to do so would be like trying to convince JDT to convert to Judaism or Islam. (If you understand the reference).
Like I said, it’s not MY place to do any of this. I am NOT going to butt in myself, as I’d only end up making things worse-my dad would be hurt, and everyone would blame him even more (oh, they TRIED to do the right thing, but Billy’s a jerk).
My dad did NOT hang up on my uncle, he didn’t even TALK to him-my uncle hid behind my grandmother and my aunt. And no, we didn’t say we were coming-when my aunt called, my dad said, “What? We were just leaving. WHAT? You’re kidding! We’re not dressed for that-I don’t know if we have time, or if we even HAVE anything!”
My aunt called from her cell in the CAR on the way THERE. Five minutes AFTER we were supposed to leave. That’s more than just an “inconvenience”.
And just say we had left on time-and arrived-only to be turned away? What THEN?
We ARE sending my cousin a card and a present (she who never sends thank you notes, btw).
First off, I have to tell you that I agree with the majority of people in that it was rude to invite your family in what seems like an after thought. I can understand the hurt feelings and all.
But… (there’s always a but, isn’t there?)
I don’t mean to pick on you specifically as I have seen this several times on this board, but what is the deal with the reverse snobbery?
Granted, I am sure that there are a lot of wealthy people out there that richly (ha!) deserve the disdain, but why is that the default? Maybe his family is a super bunch of elitists, I dunno. Maybe they do deserve to be called snobs. I just sense from your post that you are kind of doing the same to them as they are to you. A snob is a snob, you know?
I guess this whole thing kind of irks me is because if the reverse took place, WOW wouldn’t that be a trainwreck? If your cousin posted in a similar manner about your family picnics, wouldn’t your feelings be hurt?
Well, THEN you would have had an excuse as to why you didn’t show up for your cousin/goddaughter’s graduation party. And you could have gone on to dinner elsewhere with a clear conscience. And I GUARANTEE you that the entire family would have sided with you when the blame game came around. I doubt many people in the family are siding with you today.
As is, you owe your cousin an apology. If for NO other reason than because you missed a lovely dinner in lieu of PONDEROSA.
Guinastasia wrote
I get the reference. But you’re not some pawn trapped in your family. Of all the people who have been rude, you can be the one who at least tries to make it better. Even if you fail, you’ll be the better person.
Whatever you choose to be your place will be your place. You did decide for yourself not to go. (I’m assuming here that you’re not a child; correct?) You could’ve said to your dad, “I understand why you feel this way, but it’s my cousin (and godcousin? I dunno how these things work) Mary’s graduation and she’s family, and we’ve been invited to a nice affair, and I’m going. See you when I get home.” If you choose to do nothing, then there it is. But that’s on par with announcing that you agree with what happened. And that’s not the proper course.
In fact, not only were you not an innocent bystander, you described the decision not to go as being your (off-hand) idea:
I guess I misunderstood, when you said “Then one of my aunts calls and asks what’s up. My dad told her, and she tried backpeddling…‘um, um, well, you wanna talk to [my uncle]?’ My dad declined and hung up.” In either case, it sounds like it wasn’t your uncle hiding behind your aunt, but rather your dad hiding from your uncle.
They were certainly rude to you. One could argue very rude. But if you want a disinterested third-party’s opinion, I’d say they were out-ruded. Your uncle was inconsiderate, but your dad (with your prompting) was intentionally insulting.
Also, it sounds like just as there’s a battle to see who can be the rudest here, there’s also one of snobbiness as well. Again, I think you’d do well to be the bigger person here.
This third party doesn’t think you were outruded and doesn’t think you should apologize. Sounds like the line in the sand was drawn a long time ago, and your cousin becoming an adult is when your uncle has decided to make it obvious.
I’m sorry, anyone who calls when you are running late on your cell phone to say “you know that casual patio party you are in your car and on your way to? Its semi formal,” is setting you up so you don’t show.
I’ve been to country clubs where if you’d have shown up, no one would have known since you wouldn’t have made it past the front door unproperly dressed.
I’m sorry for your cousin. Sounds like she got the short end of the stick and it might be nice if your dad sent a card and a note of congratulations (“Sorry I missed your big day, there was a communication problem and we didn’t know it was semi formal until the last minute and your aunt didn’t have anything approprate to wear”) and maybe an offer to treat her to dinner at Ponderosa. If your uncle got stuck with the bill from your no-shows, he deserves it.
Dangerosa wrote
Well, yes and no. Absolutely send the card and invite her to dinner. But leave off the whining about the slight that she had nothing to do with. Far classier is “Sorry I missed your big day; we’re very proud of you.”
Nope Bill H. The sooner she realizes her dad can be a dick who jerks people around the better. They aren’t blaming her dad (communication problem - i.e. it was all a “honest mistake.”) But enough of these incidents and she might figure it out. She might know already. If she was indeed hurt by the absence of Guin’s family, she needs to know that her nearest and dearest had a part to play. (If she wasn’t hurt - which is also possible - it sounds like after the death of Guin’s aunt the family drifted, and not all families are close - that Guin’s father regrets the distance, but the other family created it - than a card is really all that’s needed to acknowledge the event).
I come from one of these passive aggressive extended families - right down to some who are snobs and some who aren’t. If you always let them do it to you, it will always get done to you. And no matter how badly you were wronged, somehow its all your fault. Perhaps I am mistaken, but I got the feeling that this was not the first time Guin’s uncle had pulled this sort of crap - and he shouldn’t be allowed to walk off scott free every time.