Would you feel comfortable bringing otherwise-uninvited guests to such a gathering?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yesterday my wife & I threw a party in celebration of the anniversary of our reconciliation, a few years back. We invited about 30 people, all family and close friends; my baby sister and I did the cooking. We sent out written invitations, and though all my siblings were invited (even my hated oldest brother), not all my first cousins were. (I have more than 20 of those, most of whom are married with kids.)

On Friday evening I started calling people on the list, partly to confirm who was coming and partly to make sure I hadn’t overlooked any dietary restrictions. As I did so, a few of my relatives indicated that they intended to bring their own guests. One of my nieces had in mind to bring THREE guests and wanted me to make sure to make a gluten-free cake; my father wanted to bring not merely his not-girlfriend but also his best friend/pastor; and baby sister had acquired a date. I told my niece, gently but firmly, that the party was for my family and friends, not people neither my wife nor I have ever met, so while she was free to bring a date I preferred not that she not bring two additional extra. With my father I was more blunt, as I actively despise his friend and think it best not to be in his presence when knives are close at hand; I told him that while his ladyfriend was welcome (I’d sent her a separate invite anyway), his pastor wasn’t. But I welcomed baby sister’s date, as I’ve been fighting the urge to set her up since she got divorced, and, anyway, she asked rather than announced.

Among rational folk that would have been that, but some of the Rhymers are nuts. Specifically my drama-loving sister commented during the cleanup that I should have allowed people to bring their own guests, arguing (truthfully enough) that at the three traditional Rhymer clan celebrations–Xmas, Turkey Day, and the now-defunct Church of God in Christ Convocation Sunday, people ALWAYS bring extra folks along–and given the length of the guest list, the Reconciliation Anniversary Barbecue was hardly an intimate affair. If I was going to allow baby sister’s date, I should have allowed the other three as well. I didn’t reply because of Rhymer Rules #5 (“No hitting chicks”) and #708 (“When dealing with a person whose only aim is to stir up shit, either punch in the neck or ignore–nothing in between”) but if I had, I would have said something like “Only country folk and the ghetto fabulous even consider issuing invitations to other people’s parties.”

But that’s just me. It’s possible I’m just being saditty. Any of you folks feel free to bring extra guests to family get-togethers being hosted by other persons? I’m not just talking about a party such as I describe; Xmas, New Year’s, Turkey Day, Labor Day, and the 4th of July also count. If you DO feel comfortable doing so, must you consult with the host first?

2

It would depend on the function, but I would under no circumstances consider bringing someone who was not a member of my household without calling the host first to inquire whether it was acceptable. (I would also take “no” gracefully - geez, not my party!).

I assume, absent specific instruction to the contrary, that my family automatically includes my husband in all invitations to me.* If I had children and the affair was a formal-ish one (a wedding, as opposed to a family holiday party or BBQ for example), I would inquire of the host whether they were also included. For not formal-ish functions, I would assume they were included, but would probably confirm with the host at the time of invitation.

  • Well for most invitations - there are events to which I would not assume he was invited. Bachelorette parties, baby showers, bridal showers, etc. Those are pretty clearly events to which it’s reasonable to not assume my husband might have an automatic invite :slight_smile:
3

If I’m close enough to the party giver to believe he wouldn’t mind me bringing guests then I’m close enough to pick up the phone to check. And I would not be surprised if NO was the answer. If I’m not that close then I would never bring extras. 30 people can quickly turn into 80 people.

My sister is the one who throws the family parties. There are usually lots of her friends there, non-family members I don’t know and plenty of food for more. I’d still ask before I brought anyone other than the wife and/or kids. What would it hurt?

4

My first inclination is that I wouldn’t bring an uninvited guest. Or if there was some sort of special circumstances, like a good friend was in town visiting me I’d let the host know about that and I could come with the friend, or would have to skip the party if I couldn’t bring my friend.

However, since at previous gatherings people ALWAYS bring extra folks along, I might bring people and not think it was a big deal. Unless you stated specifically in your invitation, I wouldn’t think that this party was radically different than other gatherings, so I wouldn’t think that expectations would be different.

5

Was the niece who wanted to bring 3 guests the daughter of drama-loving sister?

Not that it matters - no, under no circumstances does one bring along extra guests to a party without clearing it with the host ahead of time. And if it’s a party with written invations, you don’t even consider it unless you’ve got a SO that the host was unaware of when the invitations went out.

6

Absolutely I would not feel comfortable. I would never assume I could bring an extra guest to another person’s party/home/occasion. I might ask, under certain circumstances (but probably only if I could bring a “plus one”).

I’m pretty uptight about this because my husband’s friends and relations bring extra people to our house without ever even informing us that they are going to do so. Sometimes these interlopers expect to be fed, spend the night, or have me babysit their kids. It is horrible to be forced into a no-win choice: be a sucker, or be seen as a bitch by your beloved’s people.

So I try to avoid putting anyone else in that kind of spot.

7

Guests to a family get-together? Never. It’s rude to even think about such a thing without asking first. And to invite guests with special requests on top of that? Should have punched her in the neck.

8

I would think the use of written invitations would distinguish this type of celebration from the holiday-related affairs your busybody sister is talking about. If I’m receiving an invitation, I’m going to assume that you want this to be moderately intimate affair, if only so you know how much food to prepare and chairs to provide.

It also seems to me that if it’s your party, you can invite whomever you want since family mess is not conducive for celebration. And it’s the host’s job to make sure their guests are a good mix, with no crazy random elements thrown in. A party should be a drama-free zone, especially when it is in your house. The more random people showing up at the door, the more drama you should expect. Maybe your sister can tolerate the mess that springs up when strangers are brought into a family dynamic, but that doesn’t make her a superior hostess. That just means she doesn’t have a backbone.

As a guest at a party, I’d also like to know if it’s the kind of affair where everyone knows everyone (so it’s alright to walk around in my stocking feet) versus an affair where I’m not going to know half the people in the room. The former is my kind of my fun. But for the latter, I might need to prepare an excuse, just in case someone I don’t know well enough to yell at starts working my nerves.

9

If friends or family bring extra friends or family, I’m happy to have them, but I’d like to know at least a few hours ahead so as to be sure to have enough food, drinks, chairs, etc.
I’d maybe ask if I could bring a friend if they were visiting from out of town, but in general, no, I would not want to put the host on the spot.

10

That is crazy. I wouldn’t dream of bringing along an uninvited guest without asking permission and I definitely wouldn’t do it expecting that a dietary condition (gluten free) be respected.

Especially if an event is formal enough to have invitations.

11

If I’d invited the gluten-free kid, or if my sister’s date had had such a restriction, I’d have made something appropriate for them. (Well, in the latter case I suspect my sister would have). Making sure nobody’s allergies or food restrictions were an issue was half the purpose of the phone calls.

That’s when you employ the Captain Kirk technique of breathtaking rudeness. You always respond to the question “What are you doing?” by saying, “Why are you asking?”; you never agree to a favor before knpwing what it is; and you never explain why you are refusing a favor.

12

For a family gathering, (my family does not do parties), I would ask first, if possible. My guest would probably be a foster child or two. For a non-family or non-foster parent situation, I would either ask, or not bring the extra guest. My wife is a self proclaimed anti socialite. We do not go to many parties as she dislikes them. If she is invited to one, and wants to go, I almost always tag along. She feels better with my “moral support”.

If I am invited, my wife will probably come as my guest, or I go solo. I once brought my brother to a company party as my wife really did not want to go and he did. I did not ask that time. They loved him.

If it is a fly-in, I bring anyone I want. I do not bring three or four extra folks without asking first, even to fly-ins, or to “meets”. I do not go to many parties. I like folks, but I prefer small groups.

13

Written invitations suggest a carefully thought out guest list. Presumably, when you all get together for big holidays, written invitations aren’t part of it. Holiday gatherings in my vast family are all pot-luck affairs, and I wouldn’t think it rude to bring a guest to one of those, as no one is exactly orchestrating it. But your party was obviously different, and your guests were rude to invite others.

14

Within my family, the expectation would be that an invited guest could bring a significant other, but anything more than that, you’d darn well ask the host first. The answer will probably be yes, but you still need to ask.

And as a host, you should always accommodate the dietary restrictions of anyone whom you specifically invited. Anyone else who shows up, with or without asking first, needs to worry about their own diet. You are under no obligation whatsoever to make a gluten-free cake just for an uninvited guest. Such a guest needs to decide whether they’re OK with not getting any cake, and if not, then they need to find a different party to go to.

15

I’m not a stickler for manners, but I would not consider such a thing without clearing it with the host well in advance. For that matter, I can’t think of any circumstance that would even lead me to ask anything beyond whether or not I could bring a date (assuming I had an SO the host was unaware of). If someone is in town that I must spend time with, I would be far more likely to send my regrets for the party than to impose on the host (and drag my friend into the midst of a bunch of strangers and possible family drama).

16

I like to go to parties and socialize with the people there - not bring my own people to socialize with.

Maybe it’s from being single so long or from not having that many family get-togethers. But it would be awkward beyond belief for me to go to a party and not be able to hang out with my cousins because of some hanger-on that I brought.

17

Formal parties, the invitation says “and guest” or it doesn’t. But people don’t know the rules anymore, anyhow. It would be hideously rude to bring an uninvited guest without first asking the host; however, it’s not rude to ask the host (and graciously accept “no.”)

There are situations – backyard BBQs, say – where extra guests are no problem. There are other situations – sit down dinners, say – where extra guests are a real problem. And extra guests always mean extra food.

The other side of this coin is that you’ve said that your family used to have wide-open family gatherings, so some confusion is understandable.

18

Big family on both sides and many relatives clear back to the beginning of time and we all drag strays into family stuff, ( well not Mom’s death bed but you know what I mean ) but we ask. We have been known to stop extras at the door and it is up to the one bringing them to decide what to do. Seldom ever happened and it was when we were teenagers.

Now all siblings are over 60 so it does not happen but some of the nieces & nephews need a bit of correction by their parent on occasion.

If it is not my gathering, it is not my problem. If it were to be a sibling, if the choice to allow produced unpleasantness, the sibling would get ‘the look & the talk.’

19

Hell, it’s generally rude to even ask to bring an uninvited guest. It potentially puts the host in an uncomfortable position. There are exceptions, such as an out-of-town guest or recently acquired SO, but the proper thing to do is to accept or decline the invitation as issued, not try to modify it.

20

Echoing the idea that written invitations mean the host is choosing whom to invite, and I wouldn’t dream of bringing others along. Otherwise I would assume he would tell me something like, Let me know if you want to bring anyone else so I have enough food, etc.