I think it depends on the occasion. A casual BYOB house party get together is fine to take guests to. Most anything more formal than that isn’t.
But if you are inviting plus ones that you aren’t personally friends with, it’s tacky to invite some and not others. Either you are just inviting friends/family or you are just inviting friends/family and their SOs/kids/whatever. You can’t invite Nick’s kids but not Steve’s, or Anne’s casual boyfriend but not Susie’s (unless you also have a personal relationship with Anne’s).
My original* mother-in-law was welcome at all my family’s holiday celebrations no matter who was hosting without an invitation , but that was mainly because my husband was raised as an only child and the alternative was to leave her home alone or for us to rush from place to place. (my sibling’s mothers-in-law were also welcome in the same circumstances). But that was only for holidays and really only family type holidays like Turkey Day, Christmas and Easter ,not the barbeque/drinking holidays and not weddings, birthday, anniversary or other parties.
She wasn’t my first mother-in-law , because I’ve only been married once. Due to my husband’s adoption/being found by biological siblings I am the one woman in however many milion to have one husband but two mothers-in-law
^What they said. Written invitations clearly communicate “invitation only”. I might - MIGHT - call and ask if maybe it was okay to bring the Queen of England because she was spending the night and I didn’t want the poor dear to be left alone in my apartment all evening.
But you think that’s bad…my ex-husband tried to invite himself to my wedding. Seriously. And then got all pouty when I said no, and went off on a tear about how my (now) husband and I wouldn’t have even *met *if it weren’t for him! Dude… that’s exactly why I don’t want you there. This is not about you. Twit.
(On the other hand, we did invite my ex’s ex-girlfriend. 'Cause we like her, and she doesn’t try to make everything about her. I admit that was probably rubbing salt into the wound, but fuck him.)
No, never. Not only is it rude to the hosts, its rude to the person I want to bring. Unless its a new SO who is going out of obligation, I certainly wouldn’t consider bringing someone who knows nobody but me and has no idea of the culture.
An informal BYOB party is different, but if I do bring an uninvited guest to those, I make sure to ask the hosts first and then I tell/warn my guest what he/she is getting in to.
The only uninvited person I’d bring to a party would be my partner. Actually, anyone who knows us knows that we party together. But I’d still ask first.
Written invitiation = thought out guest list. It’s not like a family pot luck. When I issue invitations to one of my parties I indicate in some way whether bringing posse members is OK or not, usually in a humorously worded FAQ inserted with the invitation. YMMV, and I think the problem you had with this party is that it was family, and people assumed it was like the other family events. And as you pointed out, some of the Rhymers are nuts. So there’s that to contend with.
Since you done went and insulted country folk, I wish to inform you that I will no longer be accepting any invitation to your parties. That goes equal for my current and former wives (except Ethyl, who never did listen to me), my 14 kids, 8 hunting dogs, the 3 legged pig and most of the cousins. Nope, my pickup truck will never grace your front yard again.
Count me as someone who would check if partners and children were invited if I received an invitation with just my name on it. Note, not “can I bring them” but “are they invited” - unless it would prevent me coming if I couldn’t bring the kids, in which case I might ask as a favour if I was going to a function held by close friends or family.
If you receive an written invitation from me it will have a “+ guest” or “partners and family are included” if I mean it to extend to anyone but you personally.
My family is thoroughly country (West Virginia, transplanted to Indiana a couple generations back). I’d bring a date to a holiday gathering without asking. Because when you’re already feeding 50 people, what’s 5 more? But this is far from universal–that’s just how our family rolls. I will say that a birthday/shower/anniversary party would be under a different category. If I were invited to your party, I would have asked.
However, unsolicited advice below!
You know your family. You know how they act. This may have been an avoidable issue. If you’d issued formal invitations with number of guests permitted and required a formal RSVP for attendance, that could have forestalled some of the drama. I mean, maybe it wouldn’t have worked. But in your shoes, I’d have tried it anyway. That would have let you specify “Skald’s Dad + 1 guest,” &etc. Just a thought for next time.
We stopped having “anyone comes” house parties a few years ago. Anyone comes turned into anyone comes and brings their kids - which wasn’t an issue. And that turned into anyone comes and brings their ill behaved children who they do not watch and then I discover someone unpacked CHRISTMAS decorations in the basement (WHY?) or that I’m missing jewelry - that was a problem. Then there was the acquaintance of mine who didn’t have the social skills to figure out that if you slept with my good friend’s husband and caused the divorce, you probably shouldn’t show up months later to a party she is almost certain to be at - the person I wanted to be comfortable wasn’t, and the person causing her to be uncomfortable was clueless (didn’t help that she also slept with MY ex husband, but that was a long time ago).
I not only would not feel comfortable assuming I could bring uninvited extras to a party for which I had received an invitation, I would feel uncomfortable being dragged along AS the uninvited extra.
That said, in the event that you ever DO invite me to one of your gatherings, may I please have Doctor Jackson’s as well, just in case?
Regardless of whether I may or not, please allow me to congratulate you on the occasion of this anniversary. May it have been the first of many that the two of you share (with or without a party).
