I don’t attend parties that often. I average one per year. So there are some social conventions that I may not be aware of. This may be one of them.
So yesterday I was invited to a coworker’s husband’s birthday party. I carpooled with a couple of other coworkers. The invitation said 5:00, and that’s when we arrived. But it was clear that the real party had started way earlier. All the “real” food was gone, as was the birthday cake. Only fly-blown remnants were left.
I quickly figured out that the actual party, which had started hours earlier, was for family and close friends. We coworkers, none of whom knew the birthday boy personally, were on the second shift of festivities. Which I guess is fine, but it did feel strange. I hadn’t had anything to eat all day because I figured there would be food. Parties usually have food, right? But except for some stale chips (it was very humid and drizzly yesterday, so the chips were like sponges), there was nothing to eat. Although there were many references to the delicious dishes that were eaten earlier.
There also wasn’t anything to drink for a non-beer drinker like myself. I was offered diet Dr. Pepper and tap water. Had I known it was going to be like this, I would have brought something. (I did bring a hostess gift. But I didn’t know I was supposed to bring drinks. Lesson learned, I guess?)
We were given a tour of the house, which none of us had seen. It was a nice house and my coworker has a nice family. But I was hungry and quietly (childishly?) disappointed that there was no birthday cake to enjoy. The host casually mentioned some sausages in the refrigerator that no one had eaten yet, and I got hopeful. But nope. No sausages for little monstro.
I’m guessing it’s normal to stagger party invitees the way they did. I honestly don’t know. But I’m also guessing it would be rather unusual not to provide food for your second-shift, right? That’s the part that seems strange. The coworkers I came with filled up on beer. So they didn’t complain, but maybe it’s because they were too buzzed to care? And maybe I’m focusing on a nitpicky thing (food) instead of the bigger picture (socializing and having fun)? Because I managed to socialize despite not being 100% comfortable. I was ready to leave about an hour before we actually did, though.
No, it’s not normal, and what they did was rather rude. I’ve never heard of the concept of “2nd tier” or “2nd shift” guests that are intentionally given the dregs from the real party.
I’ve never heard of such a thing and in my opinion it’s shockingly terrible manners and etiquette. Seriously shocking. I don’t understand why she even invited you guys. You weren’t invited to a party, you were invited to…well I don’t know what you were invited to but it wasn’t a party. Maybe she just wanted to show off her house? I don’t know.
The only exception would be in the reverse. I have a more formal type party ( like a work party) it’s wrapping up, and there’s a ton of food and cake left. I may invite some close friends or neighbours, or my kids friends to make sure a lot of food doesn’t go to waste. This would be completely informal, and spontaneous.
“Hey, I just had a work party, and I have a ton of leftover food. If you don’t want to make dinner tonight, stop by!”
I’ve never heard of such a thing either. I think you were unlucky enough to draw the booby prize of parties.
Recently I attended, along with some others, a birthday party for a friend we know only from the dog park where he and his wife and the rest of us all bring our dogs. A wonderful affair, tons of food and drink and cake. His family and presumably closer friends were there, but absolutely no distinction was made.
We had a ball. The invitation had said “no gifts” but we brought cute tokens anyway. They have dachshunds, as do I, so I got him a cast concrete doorstop of a dachshund that cost all of $5.
Sorry you were treated poorly, there was no excuse.
5:00 is too early for there not to be food. 6:00 would have been different, IMO. Either way, I’ve learned to eat something small before I go to any kind of party. Mostly because I’m a picky eater so if there’s nothing I like, I can pass and not be starving and trying to make a meal out of dessert food (or if there’s nothing to eat, I’m okay) and if there is food I’m not full. Also, it means I don’t wind up drunk on one beer because I get there and I’m drinking on an empty stomach.
So there’s your tip for the day. 10 minutes before you leave for the party have something small to eat. A piece of peanut butter toast, a slice of leftover pizza, a small bowl of cereal etc. Just having something in your stomach will make a huge difference since you won’t spend two hours focused on food.
Was the hostess apologetic at all? Did she offer to call in a take-out order? If not, I would have considered calling one of the chain pizza places for a delivery order. For one.
A party without food besides chip crumbs is definitely not normal, regardless of time of day, nor is it normal to invite some guests at staggered intervals. A party that starts at 5 pm certainly must serve a meal and I’d say the same of one that started at 6 or even 7, as these are considered normal dinner times, at least in my part of the world.
If I got to a party on time and all the food had been eaten, including the cake, I’d be confused and angry. Were the hosts from another culture where this could be considered okay? If so, I’d like to know where so I can never ever go there.
No, she wasn’t. Which is why I was thinking maybe I hadn’t set my expectations correctly. The invitation didn’t say there would be food, so maybe I was wrong for making this assumption. But there HAD been food. And from the looks of it, good food. If she’d gone to some trouble of hiding the evidence of the feast prior to our arrival, maybe I wouldn’t have felt like a second-class citizen. But that’s how I felt as I listened to people talk about how delicious so-and-so’s crab dip was.
You don’t stagger guests - at least in not an obvious sort of way. You should always have food at least munchies, and if they run out too soon, you call for pizza or have some close friend make a run to the store. You should always make sure there are beverages - if you have beer, you also make sure you have a non-alcoholic choice that isn’t tap water - generally at least Coke or Pepsi, Diet Coke and water.
On the guest end, it really isn’t a bad idea to eat a light meal before a party, bring your own beverage (even if its a can of Coke in your purse), and carry something in the energy bar range with you - because some hosts are gauche. Its nice to come with a reason to leave - and if you carpool make sure you have an exit strategy. It also helps to come prepared to make up salacious stories about the other guests you don’t know - only in your head - not to share! - to entertain yourself when you go to a party where you won’t know many people. Years ago my husband and I discovered this trick to get through those sorts of social events with people like co-workers, or charity events, or other things where you don’t know people in a meaningful fashion - and don’t really want to. (My husband and I do share them in the car on the way home).
I think what they could have done is said “Come to the party, my family is coming for dinner at 4:00, why don’t you come at 5:00 for cake”. Of course, that would mean holding off on the cake until those people show up (or, say 5:15 at the latest since if it’s a kid’s party).
I mean, I could understand not wanting to invite a bunch of office friends to hang around in a cramped living room with your family and trying to entertain all of them. But if you want to invite them later on that’s fine, but you do still have to entertain them. Otherwise, it’s really no different than saying 'hey guys, do you want to come over some night and hang out in my backyard by yourselves while I’m inside having dinner?"
The other way it would have been acceptable is if the invitation was for “after-dinner drinks.” But that would generally be later than an invitation for 5 or 6pm.
I’ve never heard of this, it is pretty rude and insulting. You guys weren’t invited until all the fund was already done and all the food was eaten. I’ve never attended a party like that and never would if I knew that is what I was getting into.
I can understand inviting close friends and family first, but the part about eating all the food and having all the fun and then inviting people makes no sense.
If possible don’t carpool. If you are attending a party, such a a co-workers husband, you should be able to leave when you want to. For a party for a friend-of-a-friend, who I’m assuming you don’t know very well, don’t show up hungry or thirsty. IMHO if you’re attending any party it is nice to be able to leave when you want.
I’ve never heard of people being invited to a party at different times.
Do you know if they were expecting any gifts or for you to bring anything for the party?
That’s definitely not normal. And I would feel insulted. I think I would have called for a cab right after arriving.
The only redemption is if she changed the time at the last minute and had no way to contact y’all in time, or if she miscalculated the number of drinks and food she’d need and is profusely apologizing and embarrassed.
We all brought either a hostess gift or a gift for the guest-of-honor (I brought both). I don’t know if either was expected. But I know I don’t go to anyone’s house without a gift. Not because I’m especially nice or anything. It just feels weird not to.
