This past Friday night was the commitment ceremony and reception of a co-worker. The black tie affair’s invitations had gone out a couple of months ago and the couple included the entire office of twenty plus employees.
I do not know the price per plate but from what I have seen of comparable formal events with a sit down dinner and opened bar the price must have been at least $150 a head if not more.
On Friday during the day, I overhead co-workers who had accepted, talking about not being able to get sitters, not “feeling” up to a party and various different excuses. One even offered that she can either pay the $12.00 parking fee or buy them a gift so she thinks it is the best choice to simply not attend.
When I arrived, five employees, which translated to five couples simply did not show up. Of course the final count was given over a week ago which is customary.
I can’t decide if they are classless or clueless. Either way, I am disgusted people could be that inconsiderate. As their boss, I don’t feel it is appropriate to say anything. However, if they did not work for me, I know I would be unable to hide my disgust and embarrassment for them.
Classless. To accept and then not show is just rude and selfish. When you have an occasion like that to attend, you plan in advance. And they’re cheap too!
Assholes.
I have to wonder if they would’ve been as inconsiderate if it had been a “real” wedding. :rolleyes:
If the answer’s no, then that exposes an even more depressing latent prejudice they have. If the answer’s yes, then maybe it’s a good thing to keep in mind for future events.
Channeling Miss Manners here…
There are two etiquette problems in this case: one actual and blatant, and one potential and subtle. The actual blatant one is the ten mannerless clods who officially accepted an invitation to a MAJOR ceremonial and celebratory event and then simply decided not to show up for it. :eek: :eek: :mad: :mad: :mad: (Special bonus clod points to the cheapskate mannerless clod who thought that failing to show up, after officially accepting the invitation, somehow excused her from the obligation to give the couple a gift.)
The more subtle potential problem is one that the OP, as these people’s boss, may find worth pondering for the future. The sad fact is that a lot of workplaces these days encourage or even require a lot of “business socializing” as a thinly disguised management tool for boosting workplace camaraderie and productivity. As a result, a lot of employees find themselves spending a significant amount of leisure time with their co-workers, not so much because they really consider these people close friends or desirable company, but rather because they feel it’s somehow expected of them and will affect the official perception of their job performance.
If the party-throwing employee in this case invited all 20-plus people in the office to a major social event solely or partly as a “business socializing” gesture, rather than because they really consider all those co-workers part of their own social circle, then IMO they bear at least a little bit of the responsibility for this reprehensible etiquette breakdown. And if workplace policy at the OP’s office pressures employees to engage in “business socializing” on pain of professional penalties, then the people who set that policy bear some of that responsibility too.
It is not fair to expect people to treat their employers or co-workers like their own families or friends when it comes to private leisure-time socializing. It is especially unfair to pressure them into doing so by acting as though it’s a sort of semi-official part of their job as a workplace “team”.
Of course, even if people are being unfairly pressured into business socializing that they don’t want, they should resist by politely declining invitations, not by rudely blowing off events for which they’ve already accepted invitations. Still, I can almost, almost begin to consider potentially feeling a tiny amount of sympathy for rude people when their rudeness is partly motivated by the fact that they’re being quasi-blackmailed into treating co-workers as personal friends.
Now, it may well be that there’s no overtone of “business socializing” exploitation in this case, and the couple invited all these co-workers out of genuine spontaneous friendship and hospitality. If so, even that faint hint of potential sympathy that I might otherwise almost begin to consider feeling for these mannerless clods is dead.
I’d take that as a given – out of any 20 people with whom you are thrown together for reasons other than a specific desire to see them socially, not one of them is someone you wouldn’t invite to your affair if given a truly free choice?
It’s quite probable that perception of, and resentment of, just such a BS “business socializing” requirement is a contributing factor to some of the blown-off invitations.
Right.
I guess the classy thing to do would be to refuse the invitation in the first place, but that can sometimes get you branded as “not a team player” in offices where such socializing is expected. The last-minute beg-off can be blamed on illness or lack of money, or whatever.
I think that offices where out-of-work socializing among employees becomes a de facto workplace policy are really no better than offices where employees are dragooned into forking over money for United Way, etc.
It is, of course, possible that all 20 people in Foxy40’s office were invited because everyone at that office really feels that close to everyone else, but it seems rather unlikely to me.
Still, in an office that small, I could see myself feeling fond enough of, say, 12-14 of those people to invite them to my party. (I work in a much larger environment, but if I think of, say, my team, which is roughly 20 people, yeah - I genuinely like quite a few of them.) But then there would exist this small minority of co-workers who were NOT invited, and assuming none of them is someone who, you know, blasts “We Built This City” from his/her cubicle every day, or performs some other travesty that would incur my wrath, I’d probably go ahead and invite everyone (budget permitting) so that nobody would feel left out.
Just my two cents. Carry on.
First, yes, the people who accepted the invitation and then didn’t show at the last minute are inexcusably rude. Second, it’s really none of your business, Foxy. It’s between the rude people and the people who invited them. It’s only your business as far as ever inviting these classless people to another social function of yours goes (I personally would not invite them to anything ever again - I don’t care for flakes. Especially flakes that cost me money or hassle.)
Well, the opprobrium of civilized people is part of the punishment for behaving disgracefully.
Also, I agree with whoever said this probably would have been taken a lot less likely if it had been a Wedding, rather than a “mere” commitment ceremony… They probably thought it was a few gay hippies getting together on the beach and wearing batik then going off to Hamburger Mary’s or something. Party planning: just one of the many reasons to shoot for true equality.
Did other people remark on this at the wedding reception?
If they did, you can rest assured it will reach the ears of those involved. Though it seems unlikely that people this boorish will do other than rationalize and dismiss their own part in it.
The caterers won’t be surprised to see this as it happens at all events, believe it or not, because people are people. Smart caterers take the opportunity to actually shave a few dollars off for the dinners that weren’t needed, though the other costs will remain based on the confirmed numbers before the event. It’s not that much to the caterer and the client feels very nicely treated indeed.
Absolutely correct. This is none of my business which is why I am venting here. The person that threw this black tie event (to answer the comment regarding assuming it was a hippie beach thing) is indeed friends with the entire office. I know that sounds odd but we are a close knit group and each Friday night we host a happy hour. Of course not everyone attends each week nor is anyone expected to but it is an opportunity for employees to get to know one another socially. Now I personally would not invite most of the people in the office to an event but the host was a peer of theirs and did consider these folks close enough to him to invite to share in his special day.
There certainly was talk at the “wedding” regarding these rude folks but I do not know if it got back to the offending parties.
This entire fiasco reminds me of our Christmas party last year. We sent out formal invitations inviting the employee and a guest to the event. On the RSVP for the number attending, some employees took it upon themselves to write numbers far greater than two. One particular employee wrote seven! She took it upon herself to invite a few friends for free food and booze.
Duplicate post
People are unbelievable assholes when it comes to this kind of thing. We sent wedding invitations to this couple that was friends with my parents- I barely know them but my mom wanted to invite them. They never RSVPd. Then, the day before the wedding, the woman calls, says they are coming and they are so looking forward to meeting us and seeing my parents again, and oh, by the way, our daughter is in town from Oregon with her husband so we’re bringing them too (daughter was not invited). We grit our teeth at this extraordinary rudeness but in an effort to keep the peace we call the country club, arrange for 4 more dinners (at $25 bucks a pop, not insignificant to a couple just starting out), switch the seating around, generally spend a lot of time that we did not have to spare, it being the day before the wedding.
Then the fuckers did not show up at the wedding or the reception the very next day. Of course we still had to pay for their dinners though. The bitch called my mom a couple of months later with some bullshit about plans changing or something, sensed that my mom was pissed, so she talked about how she had gotten us this fabulous present but she hadn’t sent it yet because it was a Christmasy thing that we wouldn’t need until the holidays, etc… (Of course the present never appeared.)
This is probably the greyest area here (I think we are all pretty much in agreement that the rude people were indeed rude). My suggestion for opprobrium in my first post was that Foxy notes who did this, and treats them accordingly in the future. Do you (or anyone else) think she should do anything else? (Serious question, not snark.)
Fair enough.
But, even if all this were true, why not demure from the beginning with whatever plausible excuse(s) that can be proffered? Five employees didn’t attend and might have an out as far as being branded not-a-team-player, but at least under this scenario, the end result wouldn’t also brand you a non-team player and a cretin.
Never suggested otherwise.
I was merely offering a possible explanation, not attempting to excuse the behavior.
Sorry, didn’t mean to imply anything against you. And thanks for understanding what I wrote because I wasn’t sure if I had expressed it clearly.
:eek: :eek: Yay, more mannerless clods! Lucky lucky you for having these people on your guest list! Ugh, how despicable. :mad:
Channeling Miss Manners again: It is not a good idea to reward people for being rude and inconsiderate by allowing them to ride roughshod over your plans. As you found out when they didn’t even show up after you went to extra trouble and expense to accomodate their last-minute “acceptance”, such people are apt to respond to your kindness only with more rudeness and inconsiderateness.
For future reference, here’s the Miss-Manners-approved method for choking off stupid fuckers when they try to barge in at the last minute:
“Oh, Mrs. Cumstain, what a surprise! How lovely to hear from you!..You will? Oh dear, I’m so terribly sorry, but when we never got an RSVP from you we had to take you and Mr. Cumstain off the guest list, because you hadn’t accepted. Oh, how I wish we had known earlier that you would actually be able to be there tomorrow!..No, I so wish we could, but I’m afraid the final guest list was fixed after the RSVP deadline over two weeks ago…And what a shame that we’ll miss seeing your daughter and son-in-law too! And my parents will be so sorry to miss you as well; oh dear, I only wish we’d known earlier. But thank you so much for calling, we’ll be thinking of you tomorrow, and I hope we can get together some other time. I’ll let Mother know you called! Thanks again! Bye!”
The stupid fuckers will doubtless be livid with rage that you aren’t volunteering to disrupt all your plans to race round complying with their rude and selfish demands, but that’s their problem; nobody else is likely to sympathize with them. If they have the unmitigated gall to gatecrash anyway, greet them with apparent delight (again saying, loudly enough to be overheard by other guests, “What a lovely surprise! How I wish we’d known earlier that you’d be able to join us after all!”, etc.), but don’t ask the caterer to find seats or meals for them.
I personally cannot imagine working with a group of 20 or so people who I would like enough to actually invite to my wedding 
. I guess they went with the whole “if we invite one, must invite all,” but I consider it better to invite none if you have such concerns. I think that the couple in question should have expected it (at least to some degree). In this day and age, common courtesy and consideration have been forsaken by all but the most conscientious; I would especially think that members of any minority group would naturally be more attuned to this phenomenon.
I guess I have a sore spot for stories like this. At my own wedding, we wanted to keep the ceremony and reception very small and I did not want children in attendance (it was an all-day event and nothing for kids to do). I wanted to print this in the invitations, but I got talked out of it with the assurance that it would be handled subtly and internally by the family. A week before the wedding, both of my husband’s cousins (who live nearby) decide that they want to come and bring their spouses and children despite having never RSVPd. :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: I was so livid that I was ready to change the location just so they would show up at the wrong place and be left without a clue. However, with so little time, this was not an option and they showed up and never so much as a word of apology. Also, their gifts were sub-par and useless ($20 and a pizza cutting board, respectively, and they are not poor) :dubious: . Normally, I would not judge gifts, but it was just the icing on the cake. If that is how it is with family, what can you possibly expect of co-workers?
More mannerless clods, and they’re legitimate objects of the above-mentioned choke-off procedure too.
RSVPs are put on invitations for a reason, and hosts need to realize that they are entitled to (politely) tell non-respondents who attempt to “accept” invitations at the last minute that they’ve been disinvited because they missed the deadline.
Some hosts find it saves trouble with non-RSVPers to fire a warning shot across their bows, as it were. After the RSVP deadline is well past (or two weeks before the wedding, if you decided to be a hard-core etiquette stickler and not specify an RSVP deadline on the invitation), send the non-respondents a nice little postcard saying “So sorry you won’t be able to join us on the 18th, we’ll be thinking of you then!” The merely lazy who meant all along to accept but just didn’t get around to it will scramble to plead that they really are coming, and the genuinely inconsiderate who didn’t think it was necessary even to make a decision or let you know what it was will have been officially notified that you are not expecting them to show.
You are also perfectly within your rights to graciously tolerate the last-minute accepters while still maintaining your no-kids policy. “Oh, I’m so glad you’ll be able to come, but I’m so sorry, we can’t invite little Stevie and Janey as well. It’s an adults-only event, and we haven’t made any arrangements for children to attend.”
Caveat for the etiquette-haters who find all this advice too nasty and adversarial for their taste:
Hey, none of this is intended to disparage a genuinely informal and casual style of socializing that doesn’t bother about RSVPs or keeping track of the guest list. Hosts are perfectly free to tell people “Drop in if you like! Sure, bring the kids! Bring the neighbors! Don’t worry about letting us know in advance, we’ll be happy to see you!” if that’s really the way they prefer it. If your idea of true hospitality is an open-armed welcome to one and all without worrying about social conventions, bully for you; there’s nothing wrong with that approach. (However, guests who accept invitations to such loosely bounded events have no business complaining if the food or drink or seating space runs out before they get any.)
But guests are not allowed to impose the open-armed informality approach unilaterally. If you don’t like formal social events where you have to RSVP and show up when you say you will and bring only the people whose names actually appear on the invitation, fine; feel free to politely decline all invitations to such parties. But you don’t get to just ignore the formal aspects and treat every party as a casual event, unless your hosts have specifically chosen to present it that way.