How would you react?

Last January my maternal grandmother died leaving behind her husband of 50+ years, my grandfather. They never had a really romatic relationship. I would liken it to Edith and Archie Bunker, but I really believe that they genuinely loved each other.

Fast forward eight months. My grandfather started hanging out with a widow that’s about the same age as him, and before long, they were an item. My family had absolutely no problem with this. We were happy to see him out and about, and having fun while not succumbing to depression over the loss of my grandmother. Eventually things became “hot and heavy” between him and his new girl, so much so that he felt it necessary to inform my mother that he started taking Viagra (he’s 74). This was a little weird to me, but I thought “Hey,I don’t blame him.” They have spent considerable time together over the last eight months until my grandfather was, for all intents and purposes, living with this woman.

Here’s the bad part. He’s only been dating this woman for eight months, and just recently my mother was having lunch with his girlfriend and she told my mom that my grandfather wanted to sell his house, and get married to her.

There’s two things that urk me about this. Number one, he never said anything to my mother. I know he’s an adult and can make his own decisions, but it would have been nice of him to let my mother in on such a big decision. Number two, he wants to sell his house. This has nothing to do with money, but we don’t want him to sell his house because if something would happen to his girlfriend, he would have no place to go because her daughter gets the house.

The whole thing upsets me because I love my grandfather with all of my heart, but he’s not thinking straight. I would like to say something to him about hurting himself and my mother, but I don’t know if that’s my place.

What would you do?

My grandmother ran into her elementary school sweetheart two years after my grandfather died. She an Howard started dating, and we were all happy for her. Then we met him.

Howard was an ass. He is anal-retentive, controling, and needs to be the center of attention – all the time. My Nana announced her intentions to marry him. They got married, and for a while they were happy. I think they were both just looking for someone to wake up to.

Three years later, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, the disease that both her sisters and her father had developed. While Howard was still an ass, he was never anything but kind to my grandmother. I do believe he loved her. He took care of her as long as he could, and then hired a nurse for her. When it became clear that she was more than one nurse could handle, he put her in a good home, and visited her daily, until she died last summer. Nana had been “sick” for a long time, so long, in fact, that my 14 year old sister didn’t remember the kind, sweet, snuggly woman that I do.

Howard continues to be an ass, he continues to cause problems in the family. But he did right by my Nana, and for that I am greatful. My mother, the feminist, questioned my grandmother (her mother-in-law) right before Nana married Howard. My mom asked her why, after taking care of my grandfather for 50+ years, cooking for him, cleaning for him, etc.; why would she want to get married when she has the freedom to live the life she wants to? And Nana said “Because I want someone to take care of me.” We think in retrospect that she knew what was coming.

At this point in your grandfather’s life, he just wants happiness now. If you’re worried about his security, try talking him into renting his house out on a month-to-month basis, and offer to be the contact person for the tenent. That way, if his girlfriend dies and leaves her house to her children or what-have-you, he can give the tenent 30 days notice to move out. Be happy for his happiness, though.

I truly am happy for him. I’m glad he has a companion, and I wouldn’t even mind if he got married to her. If he loves her and that’s what he wants to do, I wish the two of them the best. The house is a different story. My mom has voiced her objections in a very caring manner, and even suggested that he rent the house, but he doesn’t want to hear it. He’s s very pig-headed, and I don’t think he wants to be bothered by renters. My parents would gladly be the contacts for the tenants, but they live an hour and a half away, so that wouldn’t be plausible. I want him to be happy, but I also want him to consider the feelings of those around him who care about his well-being.

Your grandfather is certainly an adult, and he may do as he wishes.

OTOH, I don’t think you would be out of line to advise him to protect himself by negotiating a pre-nuptual agreement to protect his own assets.

You might also want to discuss with him his intentions regarding inheritance. I would point out that it’s his decision, but ask him if it’s really his intention that if he dies before his new wife that her family should inherit his money.

My grandmother was in a similar situation. She and her second husband negotiated a pre-nup. While the details are none of my business, I’m reassured that she thought things through and her wishes are legally enforceable.

Personally, I think getting married without a pre-nup is as foolish as signing any contract without reading it. It was only by sheer luck that I narrowly escaped disaster when my own marriage ended.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If he sells the house, then his girlfriend’s daughter wouldn’t get it. If he puts the girlfriend on the deed, and then he dies, then the house becomes hers to do with as she pleases.

We’re kind of going through this in my family right now. My step-grandfather (calling him that just for clarification purposes) and my grandmother married in 1970. SG had 5 kids, G had 6. When SG died six years ago, he left almost everything, including the house that they had bought together after they married, to G. G died last November. As of the time of this post, no one can find a will for G. We’re sure she had one, we just can’t find it.

So there’s this house. G’s kids (my mom, an aunt, and four uncles) feel very badly right now. They know that if they can’t find a will, probate will give everything to them, and exclude their step-brothers & sister. One of my uncles is a lawyer, and he’s trying really hard to see that his steps get something. G’s kids are more than willing to divide everything eleven ways. There’s lots & lots of stuff in the house that belonged to SG, and they want SG’s kids to have it, along with a share of the proceeds from the sale of the house.

So what your grandfather should do, if he doesn’t want the daughter to get the house, is make provisions for it in his will, or sell it outright to someone else. His will would take precedence over pretty much everything else, if it’s not sold by the time he passes away. He can specify that the house be sold upon his death (my father-in-law did that).

There’s lots of ways to keep the girlfriend & daughter from getting the house. It’s just that your grandfather has to be the one to do these things.


Cristi, Slayer of Peeps

I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.

(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)

I guess I wasn’t clear in the OP. My grandfather wants to sell his house and move into the girlfriend’s house. Since her daughter inherits that house upon the mother’s death, my grandfather will have no place to live if she should pass before him. According to my mother, nothing will be changed in either my grandfather’s or his girlfriend’s wills. My mother would get everything of his and the daughter would get everything of hers, including the house. We don’t care about inheritences anyway. We just don’t want him to be homeless.

Its his life, let him live it. Its great that he has found someone so late in life.
Go out and buy him anothr bottle of viagra!

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