Who's side would you take on this one? (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This situation occured about 20 years ago but I’m still curious as to who was in the wrong here.

In 85’ grandpa died and left behind grandma, one son (my father) and one daughter (my aunt).
At that time my aunt and uncle had 7 children, all whom were adults and had moved out, and aunt and uncle lived by themselves comfortably in a 3 bedroom home.
My father had 4 children, one moved out and 3 between 10 and 20 years of age living in a 3 bedroom home.

As arranged by them previously if something were to happen, grandma would go to live with my aunt and uncle (uncle worked, aunt did not).
This lasted about a year.
Grandma was developing alzheimers, waking in the middle of the night not knowing who she was or where she was, and waking my aunt and uncle up.
My aunt couldn’t handle the stress of this and told my father:
“I can’t handle this anymore, this is too stressful, if you take her to live with your family (mom,dad,me,sis,bro) until she passes (who knows when) you can have my entire inheritance.”
The ‘inheritance’ would just be the selling of grandma’s house. Other possesions like antique tables, chairs, cabinets, dressers, chests, etc. were already grabbed by her adult kids since they had homes.
So, my Dad, knowing it would be stressful on our family, and wanting to relieve his sister, accepted the offer.
Grandma lived with us for 8 very stressful months. I gave up my bedroom and shared with my brother and grandma’s condition got worse. She kept everyone up most nights and it stressed out my parents and us kids watching grandma not be grandma anymore. She died peacefully in her sleep after being with us for 8 months.

Not long after the funeral my aunt called and said basically “Well, since she didn’t live with you that long (8 months) I think it’s only fair that I get my half of the money from the house back.”
When dad questioned her logic my uncle got on the phone and basically demanded the money.
My dad was more hurt than angered by this, sent her the money, and didn’t talk to her side of the family for about 10 years.

Since then (around 95’) he has let it blow over and decided that family was more important than money and everyone talks again and is happy.

But I still wonder who was in the wrong here? Am I biased toward my dad just because he’s my dad?

2

It sounds to me like your aunt didn’t keep her side of the bargain. However, I can also understand your Dad wanting to let it slide.

3

It sounds like Auntie reneged. This is a fight between your dad and his sister, and he’s let it go. It’s not your fight. I don’t know if he should have gotten anything in writing, but what’s done is done, and your dad has made his peace with it. Let it go. It’s not your scab to pick.

4

What she said. However, don’t go entering into any agreements with her unless you get it in writing, and witnessed by a lawyer, as she is clearly not trustworthy.

5

Your aunt reneged but since your dad had nothing in writing, that’s the way it (sometimes) goes.

6

I agree with Cranky. Any time anything like that is said, it’s a damned good idea to get it in writing and notarized. And filed with a trusted attorney (one both parties agree upon) as well as copies to both parties. There are a lot of greedy people out there, and some of them can be very conniving, twisted words and facts to suit their needs. Auntie never specified a length of time.
As for you - take a page from your dad’s book. If the letting go of it has mended the family fences, then you let go of it, too. Family is more important and it’s always so sad to me when ties are broken

7

Meh…yes, what your aunt did was wrong. People say and do stupid, stupid things when family dies. Having not heard the whole story, I’d probably place more blame on your uncle’s shoulders. He was in a position to remind his wife of the agreement you came to, he had to know about it, and I’m sure he was more level headed than she was at the time. I’m sure there’s more, there always is.

Your dad sounds like a great guy, though. He’s right. Family is more important than just about anything else.

8

I don’t think 8 months of suffering is enough to warrant 1/2 the inheritance, deal or no deal. If your parents suffered a true hardship over many years, I could see it. I think your aunt was wrong to back out of what she said, but 8 months is no big deal. I’m glad your family is speaking again. Families should never break up over that kind of thing.

9

I can see your aunt’s point; if I had been your father (now, *there’s a sentence I don’t say every day!), I might have offered to call off the deal. But then again, a deal’s a deal; your aunt shouldn’t have made a deal she wasn’t willing to stick with. I can see why your dad was upset, but 10 years over this sounds a little excessive.

My dad died about a year ago now, and I was very surprised at having as much trouble as I did with my oldest sister - I thought we had always gotten along fairly well. It really is true what they say about expecting the unexpected when it comes to a death in the families.

10

I disagree with “8 months is no big deal”. True, it’s not a long period of time, but if you’re the caregiver of someone completely incapcitated, let alone someone you love, 8 months can feel like an eternity. I’ve been there. Any amount of time is too long when you’re watching someone you love die

11

But the other thing was that Grandmama lived with the aunt for 12 months before being passed on to her brother; your Dad. And on one hand you could say that with only two people in the house of Aunt and Uncle it was easier for them to deal with the Grandmama. But, on the other hand with 5 people in your house including a sib who was 20 you guys had more hands to deal with the burden. So, it all depends on your point of view: what’s good for me can be bad for you (Rosenshantz). Or in other, other words it’s water under the bridge, let it go, you had to share a room for 8 months, get over it, your Dad did :cool:

12

I think your Dad is a helluva’ guy. He was right all the way. Right to take care of your Grandmother and right to avoid a family feud.
After my Mom died, my Dad remarried. I was in my forties at the time and my step-monster got me alone to tell me I need not expect any inheritance. It really ticked me off, but I maintained and explained that I was perfectly capable of making my own way in life. When he died she offered me all kinds of stuff (I paid for the funeral expenses), but no money. I only took some papers, records and a few items that reminded me of him. She always lusted after money and was miserable because of it. Some folks just never figure out what’s really important in life. Your aunt’s the loser here, kill her with kindness.

13

Your Dad sounds awesome.

I think your Aunt was in the wrong, but your Dad did right by letting her get away with it.

14

Your dad was the bigger person here. The important thing is that he let it go, not who was right or wrong. You should be proud of him.

15

Uh, guys? It did take him ten years to come around to that. I’m not saying I would have behaved any more charitably, but (no offence, Hampshire) he’s not exactly a paragon of selflessness, here. He may have ultimatly made the right decision, but he took his sweet time getting there.

16

I want to be adopted by all you folks that will let your relatives steal from you and not do anything a bout it…

*::; goes off to open extra bank accounts . ::: *