My g/f’s grandmother recently died and left a small inheritance to all 8 grandchildren. All but one of the grandchildren have been married and divorced at least once, including my g/f.
For some reason, grandma felt compelled to leave half of my g/f’s inheritance to my g/f’s ex. When my g/f and her partner split a couple years ago, there was a lot of drama that grandma got sucked into and apparently she believed that the ex was getting “screwed” and it was my g/f’s fault.
Of course, when asked, grandma firmly stated that she wasn’t going to get involved. Grandma didn’t have the guts when she was alive to tell my g/f that she was taking half of her inheritance and giving it to her ex.
Now, my g/f feel betrayed by grandma. If she was going to “take sides”, she should have at least had the courage to own that decision when she was alive. Now, my g/f is very hurt and doesn’t know how to get through it since Grandma is no longer here to talk to.
I’ve read that her writing a letter to grandma to get her feelings out could be a good thing but she’s not much of a letter-writer. Any suggestions?
Grandma had the right to leave 100% of her money to a fund for teaching horned owls how to read if she felt like it, with no explanation owed to anyone.
Grandma’s money was just that. Grandma’s money. Hers to do whatever she pleased with. Grandma didn’t owe a cent to your g/f. Your g/f had no right to any money other than the amount her grandma chose to give her in her will.
The sooner she realizes this and lets go of her sense of entitlement and becomes grateful to grandma for the gift she did get, the better.
As noted, it was grandma’s money to do with as she pleased. She probably had a perspective on things that you and your girlfriend can’t see. I would almost take comfort in the fact that it was done intentionally and not the result of some oversight or dementia. I sounds like she knew what she was doing perfectly well and had her reasons for it. Maybe your girlfriend’s ex meant a lot to her and she thought your girlfriend really did screw him over.
If a may be blunt for minute, you have no reason to be upset for yourself at all or any right to write fake letters. That is a personal matter between your girlfriend, her grandmother, and her ex. The money wouldn’t be yours in any case unless your girlfriend made that true on her own.
It sounds like grandma was fond of the ex and perhaps wasn’t given the whole truth of the situation in an attempt to spare her? But it was still her money to do with as she pleased, and maybe she wasn’t pleased with your girlfriend for turning a family tragedy into more drama than necessary (from grandma’s point of view, of course…I’m sure your girlfriend handled things with dignity and decorum.) Another thought is…how recently was the will made? Is it possible that grandma had always divided the inheritances amongst the couples, and as they got divorced changed it back to single bequeathals, and just hadn’t gotten around to amending the latest family shift?
Man, talk about missing the point. I must not have made myself clear in the OP.
My question isn’t relevent to the money. My g/f respects Grandma’s wishes to do whatever she wanted to do with her money. My g/f doesn’t feel entitled to money.
My question is how can my g/f deal with her feelings of betrayal. It’s as simple as her feelings were hurt. There were a hundred ways to let the ex know that she (grandma) was sympathetic to her but she chose to do so from the grave.
Her re-allocating half of my g/f’s inheritance was clearly punishment for what she perceived as the ex being wronged.
Shagnasty, I am not writing any “fake” letters. I have read that when you want to get something off of your chest and you can’t direct your concern to the person, that writing a “fake” letter to them helps you get if off your chest and helps with your perspective. I simply brought that up as one idea that SHE could use to start getting over the hurt.
kittenblue, you are correct. Grandma was fond of the ex and was yes, she can leave her money to the capuchin monkeys for all I care. Knowing that, though, doesn’t help salve the wound that grandma slapped my g/f’s hands and her feelings are hurt.
FWIW, Ruby, I totally got your point in the OP. I am a little surprised at the assumptions made in the responses. Of course, Gramma was entitled to do whatever she wanted to do with her money. Also, of course, it is reasonable for it to sting that she was treated differently than everyone else in a very passive-aggressive way. Having said all of that, I’m not sure what your gf can do except for try not to brood too much about it.
You don’t “deal” with the hurt, there’s no one to be dealt with, you simply move on. There is only closure to the extent you decide that people are going to do whatever the hell they are going to do, and that’s that.
Some people need more help in getting to closure; apparently this is the case with Ruby’s GF, else the fuck would have been gotten over already, so to speak. The OP is asking for suggestions on how to proceed.
Ruby, I suggest either pissing on G’ma’s grave - in the dead of night where an indecency charge is much less likely - or maybe a bit of therapy to deal with this last “fuck you, I thought your ex was right” from the old woman. Hey, whatever works.
The issue can be condensed down to those six words.
I don’t see that it is ever necessary to **just **bequeath to relatives (I just did a new will and people that are not my relatives get a significant part of my estate). There were two decisions grandma had to have made - first to decide that she liked the ex enough to feel he rated part of the estate and then secondly to figure out what percentage he rated and how to take it from the other beneficiaries.
Sorry, but I don’t believe it is at all necessary to explain one’s final decisions before one drops dead. Grandma chose not to get involved before death; fine - maybe she didn’t wish to get involved and just wanted to give something to someone she was fond of.
I’ll admit - a new beneficiary and an ex-beneficiary might be a tad surprised at my bequests when I drop dead, but I choose to let them get surprised when they are no longer in a position to discuss the matter with me. Hence my reply above.
The advice to write a letter and then burn it is not bad, but if it doesn’t suit the person who was hurt, one might be able to tweak it. write the key words on a Post-it in text speak and burn that?
But I honestly think, the most important thing is to give it time. Being a little shocked and hurt is only natural given the news, and expressing some of one’s grief in the form of anger is normal as well.
So pee on Grandma’s grave, deface a picture, throw darts at a picture, or write a note, anything that helps you (generic) process your emotions, and above all, give it time. Just because Grandma could have done more frivolous things with the money, doesn’t mean that this choice wasn’t hurtful (whether it was intended to be or not).
Maybe your g/f can try to separate the love and money issues. I think that the feeling of betrayal is about feeling that grandma loved her less because of how she left the money.
But maybe that’s not the case. Grandma could have had all kinds of reasons for leaving the ex the money. Maybe she felt he needed it more. Maybe it wasn’t making commentary on the situation or judgment on your g/f.
If your g/f felt like her her grandma loved her, then maybe she can feel love for her back. And even if grandma didn’t love her, she can decide to love grandma back for her (g/f’s) own sake. Hating someone after they’re dead doesn’t really help that much, I would think.
In any case, good luck to your g/f. Losing someone is hard enough without feeling the complications of money and judgment added in.
When did Grandma make this will?
Was it while g/f & ex were still together, and planning to be together forever? If so, that’s entirely different than if she made the will after they had split up. So figure that out, before you start to feel all ‘betrayed’ by Grandma.
I would have the g/f look back in the relationship from the beginning with the ex at any influence from grandma. For example, was grandma manipulative (or instrumental) in getting your g/f and the ex together in any way. How did grandma treat your g/f as a child compared to the other grandchildren? Was there any friction between grandma and g/f especially leading up to the divorce?
From the post it seems like you are looking towards the cause that grandma felt the ex was unfairly treated, I feel the issue goes much further back, and is worth looking into, knowing the total picture. This way your g/f can see it in a clearer light.
There’s a whole field of therapy devoted to this conundrum, called “psychodrama”. (Yes, I know you’ve probably heard the word used incorrectly, as it, “I can’t stand all this psychodrama at the office!” But it really does have a legitimate meaning.)
In pyschodrama, a trained person helps you (generic you) to work through this stuff by literally working through it. Someone else plays the part of Grandma, and you tell her what you couldn’t while she was alive. The idea is that it doesn’t matter if the people we’re upset with actually hear us, healing comes by articulating ourselves and finding new insights about the situation or relationship through role play.
It’s often done in a group setting, and other members of the group sometimes take your role for a moment or two and say things they think you’re thinking but afraid to say - you can either accept their contributions or reject them, but they often give you food for thought. For example, I might take the role of your girlfriend for a moment and say, “Grandma, you never loved me as much as the other grandkids, and then when I met Ex, you loved him/her more than me, too!” She could either say, “yeah” and step back into her role as herself and continue with the conversation or “no, no, it’s not that at all. Grandma…I’m afraid you have dementia that no one ever recognized and it scares me that I might develop it, too!” …or whatever.
Some people find it incredibly therapeutic, other people find it irritating and counterproductive.
It really is a matter of letting go. She might let go easier with writing or journaling or psychodrama or analysis - she might let go easier by just moving on and not dwelling on it. Some people have luck with some sort of “affirmation” - for instance “Grandma misunderstood my breakup, but by misunderstanding it, it made it comfortable for her and THAT was important.” Or even just - when the thoughts come, “breathe in, breathe out, let it go.”
(I find analysis, journaling and play acting counterproductive - for me, it drags out MORE to get emotional about - feelings feed feeling in a feedback loop. I’m better off with “this too shall pass” as an all purpose affirmation when thoughts intrude. Oh, and some just plain acknowledgment. In my case - not necessarily hers - “Grandma was a selfish bitch, I didn’t even try to change that when she was alive, which was a healthy choice, I’m not feeling guilt over it now that she’s dead.”)