How do you deal with hurt from the dead?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Honestly, it really isn’t that different that if she were still alive. Relationships aren’t so much a single bidirectional thing as much as two strongly correlated unidirectional pieces. By that I mean that there is both how she relates to her grandmother and how her grandmother relates to her. Even if her grandmother were alive, the only part she can directly affect is how she relates to her grandmother and that doesn’t change now that she’s dead either. Of course, typically by changing how one relates to the other that often has an indirect effect on the other part of the relationship, because by treating her differently she’ll likely end up relating back differently.

Getting a bit off point there, but one absolutely can do work on relationships with people that one either no longer has contact with or are dead and it doesn’t necessitate invoking any sort of metaphysical stuff. Experience through the grief and at the end forgive and/or apologize as necessary, then let go.

In fact, on that end apologies and forgiveness are also the same sort of thing, in that they often go together, but an apology can be given and forgiveness returned or not and the same for forgiveness given with or without an apology. It is all about creating a state of grace in that aspect of the relationship that you can control.

So, specifically to that end, she may feel you need to apologize to her for her getting involved in that drama or her not getting the whole story or for how she treated her as part of it, I can’t really say. Anything that one feels that did that they shouldn’t have or didn’t do that they should have likely deserves an apology whether or not the other person may or many not have felt wronged. Similarly, she may feel she needs to forgive her for how she reacted to the drama, for her not being straightforward about her involvement, or for how she handled the inheritance. And so, also, one should forgive for anything they feel wronged about whether or not the other person actually did something wrong or not.

Anyway, I guess my whole point is just that, really, talking to someone seems to make things easier, it can give perspective and make it easier to apologize or forgive and experience grief, but ultimately those steps can be taken with or without the participation of the other person. In fact, somtimes it’s easier without the other person, particularly if that person is still behaving beligerently.

Either way, she’ll get through it, and it will get easier in time as well.

22

A lot of our grandma’s pass away with nothing to leave except wonderful memories (and some of us not even that.) Your g/f should get some perspective and appreciate what her grandma was able to do for her at all.

Sadly, too many people look at older relatives as a piggy bank they just can’t wait to crack open after they leave us. This comment isn’t directed at the OP or their g/f, just a general observation I’ve made about other people I’ve known.

23

You say this, but then you say

(bolding mine) and you also used the bolded phrase twice in the OP. it sounds as if your g/f* does *feel entitled to the money (or at least you feel she is).

That said, your g/f need not justify her emotions; she feels what she feels. As to the question in the thread title, the only answer is try to let it go and realize it will take time.

24

It definitely takes time. My grandmother did not approve of my dad marrying my mum, because my mum came from poverty and dad could have ‘done better.’

Despite her dreadful behaviour, my mother was always kind and polite to my grandmother.

When she died, my grandmother left EVERYTHING to my aunt and nothing to my dad. Hell yes, he was hurt. It wasn’t about the money/property, it was about my dad feeling less loved than his sister, which he definitely was.

So I completely empathise with the feelings of hurt, and those saying you’re just being selfish if you don’t get money really don’t understand.

Over the years, my dad has made peace with what happened ( and for the record, my aunt thout the situation was ridiculous and immediately arranged for everything to be split 50-50). But it took a long time and it’s more a case that he ‘tries not to dwell on it’ than fully processing and accepting what happened.

25

That sounds familiar… Well, in the end there really wasn’t an inheritance to speak of - because the favorite child had already drained the well. But the whole “didn’t approve of my mother” thing…And she wondered why her own granddaughters weren’t the ones taking her out to lunch.

26

You just say screw it, she’s dead, and move on. Either that or get get therapy for the entitlement feelings that both you and her are denying.

27

I think in the g/f’s position I would feel the same. It would be different if Grandma had left the entire estate to a home for wayward kittens, but the way the OP says this was structured makes it fairly clear that this was her being treated differently than her cousins. That’s the issue, not the actual dollar figures.

To the OP:
It’s a hard thing to just get over but really the only thing she can do now is remember the positive things about their relationship and put this in perspective. It’s a small blip in what was I hope a long and loving relationship. Sad that it’s the last blip but not really a lot you can do to change that.

One thing that helped me to deal with the guilt I felt after my cousin died was a couple of long evenings spent sitting beside her grave and talking about it. I felt a little ridiculous talking to myself in the cemetary but it gave me a chance to work out all the feelings I had about her accident and put it into some kind of perspective. It might help your g/f to do something similar.

28

Thanks to everyone for your words of wisdom. I really appreciate all of you who replied who understand that it’s not about the money. I’m going to pass on your thoughts and with time, she’ll heal. I just hate to see her hurting.

29

It’s not at all uncommon to be angry with people who have died, sometimes because they died and sometimes because they died with things unsaid, which is probably more the case here. When I was in therapy the therapist told me to talk to my aunt (who had died and with whom I was angry). I thought it was ridiculous. I told the therapist how stupid it was. Then, on the theory that I was paying this person to help me so maybe I should take her advice, I tried it. It did help.

30

As a general rule, when your own immediate family says they’re not getting involved in a dispute you’re having with someone unrelated…they think you’re dead wrong and don’t want to hurt your feelings/bring all the torments of hell down on themselves by saying so. Because let’s face it, saying any such thing is going to go over like a fart in church. A just-ate-five-alarm-chili-that-had-possibly-gone-off fart. Publicly taking the ex’s side would have heavily colored the relationship between your GF and her grandma for the last years of the old lady’s life–even if you assume someone has a responsibility to discuss the contents of their will with potential beneficiaries, can you really blame an old woman for not bringing that on herself?

And I don’t think anyone has a responsibility to talk about the contents of their will with anyone besides their own spouse and lawyer. I haven’t got the foggiest idea what’s in my grandparents’ wills…or my parents’ wills, for that matter. And frankly, I don’t care what’s in them. It’s just stuff or the ability to buy it, and pretty irrelevant compared to how they treated me while alive.

31

I don’t see entitlement issues here.I don’t think that gf would have been upset if gramma donated everything to charity or if everyone’s ex got a share. She feels hurt that she was treated differently.

And to say that the OP has a sense of entitlement is crazy when they’re just dealing with an upset gf.

32

I agree whole-heartedly and I’m a bit taken aback by all the “selfish brat!” type of comments.

33

Yes, it would have, but instead of taking that risk, the old bitch instead chose to rearrange her will as a final “fuck you” to the girlfriend, without having to pay for taking the exes side while she was alive. It’s cowardly, pathetic behavior.
Not much you can do, though but try to forget about it and move on. Dwelling on it and thinking about her is what the old bat would want.

34

Well, let’s try to look at it more charitably. Let’s say Grandma was simply really fond of the guy and wanted to leave him an inheritance. Her options were to cut all the kids’ inheritance a to leave the guy something, which she felt would not be fair to the other grandkids, or to treat the failed relationship as if it had been a marriage and split the one inheritance 50-50. Rather than interpret the gesture as a slight, it might make the OP’s girlfriend feel better if she thought of it as grandma trying the best she could to be fair under messy circumstances.

35

You deal with it in the only way possible - by realising that the one thing that cannot change is the past. Dead Granny can’t relent. Only the living can change their minds - so you have to make a conscious choice: continue to carry the burden, or let it go and move on.
It doesn’t matter whether it was right or wrong - it’s done and set. No amount of fretting will remedy that.

36

In slightly more delicate terms, this is what I originally said. It was a passive-aggressive, cowardly thing to do because she had many opportunities to express her opinion. As I’m reading the responses, I do agree that she likely did believe the ex had been wronged and she didn’t want to get into a pissing contest with her own granddaughter. I’m also pretty sure that she knew it would deeply hurt my g/f’s feelings. It sucks that it feels so “intentional”. She was 94 but very VERY clear minded.

ETA: Also, you’re right, she does just need to “get over it” and move on. Each day the I can tell it hurts a little less. I’m hoping she takes the suggestion to go talk to Grandma at the cemetary. I think that will help her right now.

37

Why? The grandmother didn’t take any particular pains to be charitable. Only a moron would think that singling her out like this wasn’t going to make her granddaughter feel like shit. What kind of person does that? Answer: a bitch. And I see no reason to sugarcoat it.

38

Since you can’t take it out on the dead, then take it out on the living. Give the ex a rash of shit, and make him feel like shit for getting the money. Hell, if he’s with someone else tell his current gal to keep an eye on her grandmother cause the ex obviously has a thing for GILFs.

what?