Humorous replies to dumb questions

[TokyoBayer]

I donno. I guess to each their own, but the question about being a “good baby” has never bothered me.

Many people get really tired of hearing new parents talk about their babies or kids, so I generally don’t bring them into the conversation unless asked about it.

[CornTheHead]

@Miller

It’s not a question at all. No one who asks “Is it a good baby?” is actually concerned that it might, in fact, not be a good baby. It’s a conversational invitation for a new parent to gush about their child.

This. It seems to work with all types of parents. They will either take the opportunity to gush about how they have the greatest baby ever, or use it to gain sympathy for having a devil spawn. I have asked the question before (at least a form of it) just to open up a conversation.

[TriPolar]

Regardless of the context, when I’m asked “Do you have any questions?”, I’ll respond, “What is the meaning of life?”

[LSLGuy]

@Isamu

If they’re twins it’s OK to ask which one the evil one is.

A pair of 17-ish twins work at our local grocery store. Everybody in the store has a name tag with their real first name & a silly nickname given by their peers. Their nicknames are “Good” and “Evil”. You’d only have to talk to each of them for a couple minutes to understand & agree.

[EinsteinsHund]

Q: “What’s your sign?”

A: “Squirrel, ascendant cupboard.”

IMO, that’s a perfect nonsense answer to a nonsense question. I use it all the time.

[fjs1fs]

@Wheelz

Really? I’d never think to ask somebody what their religion is, or if their baby is “good,” whatever that even means.

If the title were to be changed, it should be to Humorous replies to nosy questions that are nobody’s damn business!

Good as in: does he not cry all night, every night. As in, does he sleep well, etc… Are these really stupid questions? Do you think the asker means, “Is he good morally, or do you think he will likely become a mass murderer?”

[fjs1fs]

@engineer_comp_geek

I don’t know how true it is, but this one has been passed around as a coroner’s real answer to a dumb question in court.

Q: Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?

A: Well, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living.

This reminds me of a DUMB QUESTION I was asked at a hearing held by the board of an apartment building where I used to live. Our neighbor hauled us into their “kangaroo court” on the grounds that my dog’s barking was disturbing her. We have two dogs. The Board Member asked me: “Which one of your dogs barks?” I said “All dogs bark.” So he said, which one is she complaining about? I said, “I don’t know, you’d have to ask her.” So he followed up again with, "But which one of your dogs barks. So I said, again “All dogs bark.” They said she had a tape recording of my dogs barking, but for some IDIOTIC reason, this “evidence” was not presented to us. So I explained that first of all, this heresay evidence:
a) may not exist, because you’re not playing it here for us to hear
b) may in fact be any dogs barking, perhaps taped off of the complainant’s tv
c) may even be my dogs. However, if somebody is out in the hallway messing around with a tape recorder, just about any dog is going to be prompted to bark.

I won the case; the complaint was dismissed.

[septimus]

I’m reminded of a passage in Catch-22

"We'll take it from there. Precisely what did you mean, Cadet Clevinger, when you said we couldn't find you guilty?"

-- "I didn't say you couldn't find me guilty, sir."

"When?"

-- "When what, sir?"

"Goddammit, are you going to start pumping me again?"

-- "No, sir. I'm sorry, sir."

"Then answer the question. When didn't you say we couldn't find you guilty?"

-- "Late last night in the latrine, sir."

"Is that the only time you didn't say it?"

-- "No, sir. I always didn't say you couldn't find me guilty, sir. What I did say to Yossarian was - "

"Nobody asked you what you did say to Yossarian. We asked you what you didn't say to him. We're not at all interested in what you did say to Yossarian. Is that clear?"

-- "Yes, sir."

"Then we'll go on. What did you say to Yossarian?"

@engineer_comp_geek

A: Well, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living.

I’d heard it before, but still burst out in laughter. Thanks geek !

[TreacherousCretin]

Part One:

• Generic dumb question?

• Does the Pope wear a funny hat? (My favorite smartassy answer, stolen from “Raising Arizona”)
  Part Two:

These are really old, but I’m pretty sure the source was Johnny Carson. A little too mean to actually be used, but they still crack me up.

• When an unhappy child whines “Why did you have me, anyway?” the best response is “Because we didn’t know it was going to be you!”

• If the child’s lament is “I didn’t ask to be born!”, the response should be “And if you had, the answer would have been 'No!”

.

[Dereknocue67]

Have you lived here all your life?

No, not yet.

[MadTheSwine]

I picked up a hitchhiker awhile back,he looked at my digital clock/radio display and asked “Is that the right time?” I said “Yes,its 10:73”.Course he was drunk,but I got a laugh out of it.
I was listening to 107.3

[cuauhtemoc]

Some jerk walking down the hallway the other day smiled and said “Hey, how’re you doing?”

I looked straight in the eye and said “Better than you, you smug prick.”

Another time this lady at the bus stop turned to me and said “Looks like it may rain later.”

I just punched her right in the face. The nerve of some people!