Set up the situation, the stupid question, and your snappy comback.
E.g.: You’re giving someone a ride home. As you walk up to your driver’s door, he asks, “Is this your car?” Your snappy comeback is, “No, I found this Mazda key and I’m trying it in every Protege I see. Eventually I’ll get lucky!”
This situation was done jokingly: I was at a church function, holding my baby daughter. (See pictures in link in my signature below.) Many people came by and admired her. Naturally, they asked how old she was. I’d given out every answer possible: “15 weeks”, “almost 4 months”, “she’ll be 4 months this week”, etc. Eventually, one woman asked quite innocently. I simply replied, “Zero,” then laughed.
Yes, I was sick of the question. But I didn’t want to offend her either.
I think the next time I’m asked how old I am, I’ll reply, “1,884 weeks.”
Happened to me about a week ago. Walked into my doctor’s office. Girl at front desk: How are you today? Me: Obviously not very good, or I wouldn’t be here…
Happens all the time. In a store, ANY store. Cashier rings up things I am buying. “your total comes to $8.73” I hand the cashier a $20.00 bill. Cashier says “out of twenty?” NO, out of FIFTY you dumbass!"
You know, some people will go to the doctor’s office for a check-up or a routine treatment.
And as for the cashier’s query, well, I used to work behind the register and yes, some people would not realize what denomination of bill they gave. To say, “Out of twenty?” is to forestall any argument about how much change the customer should receive.
This was a bit in a MAD Magazine, eons ago… My all-time favorite was:
“How cute - are they twins?”
“No, they’re identical strangers.”
Hubby and I have a standard answer for askers of blantantly obvious questions: “You guys playing cards?” We laugh, even if no one else gets it.
I was already in bed when my wife came to bed. I asked her if she remembered to check that the doors were locked. She said, in a sultry voice, “Why don’t you come over here and check me?”. I responded, in my best Al Bundy impersonation, “Because, Peg, I know that nobody wants to break into you tonight.”
When working at Foot Locker during college, a guy came in and asked me if I worked there. I looked down at my referee uniform and said, “No, I’m just standing here in case a football game breaks out.”
While visiting my parents house, my grandmother called. I answered the phone, and she said, “Oh, you’re over at your parents’ house?” I said, “Well, what number do you think you dialed?”
While jokingly arguing with a friend over intelligence, I remarked that I had the highest SAT score ever recorded at my high school. Knowing that I come from a rural area, she said, “So what? Cows don’t count.” To which I responded, “Then why am I even listening to you?”
Well, here’s one that’s happened more than once at our house:
Darling daughter (putting on her shoes): Is this the right foot?
Me: No, honey.
Darling daughter (switching to other foot): Is THIS the right foot?
She’s only three, so I haven’t given her any zinging comebacks yet–but if she’s still asking when she’s 10…
I’ve actually said this before, sans the “dumbass” part.
The cashier lady just laughed politely (because I smiling) but obviously didn’t think it was funny.
Last winter when I was near death’s door, a cashier at a drug store rang up my sizeable heap of medicines. She caught herself in mid-breath, looked over my stash and said with a you-poor-thang smile, “I was gonna wish you a nice day, but it looks like that’s just not gonna happen, is it?”
