“Sir, can I borrow thirty eight cents for the bus?”
“Can you break four bits?”
I actually only get snotty like that when the question is posed so stupidly. When they say “Gimme a quarter so I can get a bottle of wine,” I usually give em a whole buck.
My other favorite:
I work as a reference assistant at the library. Occasionally, I’ll run into “regulars” on my lunch break.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“For fourteen bucks an hour.”
Geobabe:
JINX!!!
Last Friday, I went to the bank & took out $10.
“So, how do you want that?”
“In fifties, please.”
::rimshot::
Are you eating again?
No, I heard this rattling in my stomach and thought I’d better stuff it with something.
Can’t remember where I first heard this one, but I love to use it on friends:
Person 1: “Pardon me, you’re blocking my vision.”
Person 2: “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were having a vision.”
Q: Why do you smoke?
A: Because I find it breath taking.
A: I don’t smoke I am just a sucker for a good butt.
Telemarketer, calling at 9:00am on a Saturday: “How are you today?”
Me: “I was fine, til you WOKE ME UP!!!”
TM, calling when I’m sick: “How are you today?”
Me: “Terrible, and you?”
TM: “Fine, thanks for asking.”
Me: ::click::
One afternoon at my old job. I had to - how shall I put this delicately - “use the facilities.” So there I am pinching a loaf, when I here the lav door open followed by “Mike (my real name) are you in here?” - it was my supervisor looking for me.
Me (from my stall): Yes.
Him: What the Hell are you doing?
<beat>
Me: Trout fishing. Be quiet or you’ll scare them away.
The usual crip questions: ‘Were you born deaf?’ To which I say,‘were you born hearing?’
‘You speak very well (to me)’ I say “So do you!”
And Jack Batty wins the prize for making screech-owl laugh so hard her supervisor had to walk downstairs to see what was wrong.
Good one.
I used to work with a German carpenter who often showed me a really condescending attitude (he was that way, apparently, to ALL Americans).
Once I asked him if he was going to go to lunch.
He said, “Certainly not! Do you think I am a horse?”
I shot back, “No! Your ears are too short!” (Moe Howard, 1939.)
To his credit, he laughed at the remark.
The classic SATSQ appeared in Mad’s letter page after Jaffee’s first Stupid Questions article appeared.
The writer said, "And I’m always sitting at a bus stop with an issue of Mad and someone will say: "Oh, do you read Mad?"
Jaffee suggested:
“No, I just look at the pictures!” Or:
“No, I just like to feel it!” Or:
“No, I read [text upside down]Mad[/text upside down] upside down!”
To some of those in his books:
“How would you like to step outside and repeat that?”
“Standing next to my three 250-lb. brothers!”
“Why do you want to marry my daughter?”
“Because we’re both too old to make mudpies.”
“Table for how many?”
“Nobody–we’re going to sit on the floor.”
“Am I late for my date with Penny?”
I’m Penny, you moron! You’re later than you think!"
In church -
“Is this seat saved?”
“No, but we’re praying for it.”
This is the best answer to this I ever heard (although at 5’1" I never do seem to get the chance to use it…)
How’s the weather up there?
(spit on them)… Looks like rain.
hehe(i know it’s not that funny the way i told it)
I have a toe on my left foot that is very oddly shaped. A minor mutation from birth. I call it a “doulbe toe.” It looks like a regular toe until the knuckle joint and then it kind of V’s in two. Each fork from the knuckle has a small toenail. I think it looks rather cute.
Anyway, it is completely obvious that it has been like this from birth. No scarring–just an odd toe.
Two common stupid questions about my toe (and my responses):
Curisous Onlooker: What happened?
Me: It was a freak spontaneous mutation that occurred at puberty. One day I had a normal toe and then <poof> I wake up with this.
Curious Onlooker: Does it hurt? (Usually asked after they just saw me walking, running, hopping, etc.)
Me: Oh yes. It’s excruciatingly painful.
You should respond: For some reason, it only hurts when I’m around stupid people.
And then scream. 
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by BlackKnight *
**
I’ll remember that.
I have had people ask to touch it (my toe you pervs). I’ve said yes and then just when they touched my toe I flinched back and yelped like I was in pain.
The reaction this produces is priceless.