Yesterday I was not a Merry Man. The work day started early, dragged on for far too long, and by noon I was feeling the effects of some sickness that probably will turn out to be the flu. At lunch, I thought I could sleep it off, but upon waking I felt worse than ever. I could have used some sick time and gone home, but I had some important stuff I wanted to finish up. I was spent by 5, and I gladly tottered out of the building and into my car for the drive home.
I am usually a mellow driver. I don’t use my horn much, and almost always let someone cut in front of me as long as they signal first. Driving takes up too much of my time for me to dwell on it or I’ll go crazy, and I can usually let little incidents pass without reaction.
So it was rare of me to get into a situation in which I was actively trying to retaliate. We were on a two lane street, packed due to the rush hour, and I see this big SUV on my left and slightly ahead of me inching towards my lane. But most of the time when that happens, its because people drift and they usually catch themselves before long. This guy, this FUCKING GUY, instead swerves all the way into my lane out of nowhere! This isn’t your typical car cutting you off. You’d hit the brakes, but most of the time they are simply too close for comfort but wouldn’t actually hit you. This guy’s car was only halfway past my front bumper, his back wheels were basically aligned with my driver door! I pull right, luckily the street was wide and no cars were parked on the side, but had I reacted a half second later, he would have slammed into me and we both would have careened off the road.
I summoned up all the ancestral witchcraft of a hundred generations, cursing him to the end of his line. His kids, his kin, his kin’s kin, his god damn mailman was going to feel my wrath a million years after the earth disappears into the sun’s supernova. But there was nothing I could do. It was too crowded for me to pull ahead of him and I had no recourse but to turn up my high beams, but his car was higher than mine so that probably did nothing.
And that’s when I remembered I had this.
I’ve been carrying it in my pocket ever since I got it 2 weeks ago. I like pointing at stuff like trees, buildings, power lines. Its fun and because I got the bright green one, it would be really blinding to the naked eye. Oh how I toyed with it, letting its smooth, matted rubber surface roll between my fingers, feeling its weight, its intensity, knowing I could easily hit this guy in the eye whenever I wanted to. I gripped it hard, feeling the button press into my flesh, my hatred and anger boiling over. Just one flash, one hit into the mirror. It doesn’t have to be his rearview mirror, I could hit him off the side mirrors. Just one flash to show him I mean business.
In the end though, I backed away from that cliff. I never shined this thing at another person before, and I didn’t now. I was very close though, very close to just whipping that thing out and hitting him in his motherfucking face. That’ll teach him to cut me off again. But I didn’t. Something stayed my hand. Maybe it was the fear of retribution, maybe he’d stop the car and jump out with a gun. But I didn’t do it. It would have been so easy too, but eventually after about a mile and a half, he veered off and left me holding the laser pointer, anger gradually subsiding. I had passed my test. I was Vader throwing the Emperor down the shaft, I was Galadriel as she refused the One Ring, I was a fat kid who said no to another piece of pie.
Maybe I should leave this thing at home from now on