A few months ago, I was on a trip to the District of Columbia. A business trip, supposedly, but I mostly spent it walking around gawking like a confused tourist who just flew in from Mars. But that’s a seperate story. The airline I had chosen was United(“We hate you”), and having experience with their godawful flights, I realized I needed something to read to pass the time away as the plane rocks like a headbanger at a Rolling Stones concert(or wherever the hell those people go, like I care), 20-year old soda warmer than the sun is served, and a Conan O’Brian episode from 3 months ago blares away with a maximum volume just above the noise a pin dropping onto a mattress makes. Whoops, I digress.
So, I pick up magazines. Time, Newsweek, and the National Review. I normally don’t read the NR, never had before that point, but the newsstand was somewhat lacking in magazines that weren’t ads for crap, ads for stupider crap, or crap.
On a whim, during my vacation I fill out the little subscription form, to “expand my horizons” or some such. To tell the truth, the magazine gave this liberal a laugh, but at least the articles were informative.
After several anxious days of non-waiting, I get the next issue in the mail. I then ask myself, “Why am I paying for this?” and promptly cancel. I figure my little testing of the waters on the dark side had finished.
Imagine my surprise when not long after cancelling, I recieve mails from the Republican Party asking me to start donating my money, because otherwise the (gasp) LIBERAL DEMOCRATS WILL EAT AMERICA’S BABIES! I was shocked, to say the least, for I never assumed L. Ron Hubbard was a liberal. I toyed with the thought of sending an insignificant amount of money, but decided I like my political parties liberal and my mail junk free, so I just tossed it into a drawer and forgot about.
Well, more letters started joining it in the drawer, because despite the fact I have not donated any money, I am suddenly the messiah of the republican party. Or so they say. I was invited to become a PLATINUM MEMBER by donating $120, and as a perk, I’d get my name carved on the REPUBLICAN HALL OF SHAME, I mean, FAME! I could hardly contain my excitement. I planned on submitting the money, and writing my name as Osama Bin Laden(take that, smarmy republicans!), but I eventually became so busy that this letter too ended up in… the drawer.
Now, I’m just baffled, because today I have recieved my Platinum Member’s card.
I shall quote from the letter I recieved:
(all bolding/underlining his, I swear to God.)
This continues for two pages. Also enclosed in the envelope was the snazzy silver colored flap that I opened to reveil… (drumroll) MY 2002 REPUBLICAN PARTY PLATINUM CARD!
If I had a digital camera I’d take a picture of it, but basically it’s like a credit card with name, number, date of issue on it. And on the back, it reads: "Treat the bearer of this card with the full respect any patriotic American deserves, " because I have purchased two issues of the National Review and donated the grand total of $0.00 to the Republican National Party.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you lenin, Republican National Committee Platinum Member of the Year 2002. (it’s the proudest day of my life!)