I am channeling David Sedaris

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I work as a home health nurse in southern California. Frequently I have to do a half-English/half-charade type thing to get my questions answered, if no translator is available. Here are a few of my most notable attempts to communicate in Spanish - the first phrase is what I want to say, and the second is what was said.

I am your nurse. (I am pregnant.)

Are you having regular bowel movements? (Do you have fun in the bathroom?)

Are you in pain? (Are I in pain?)

Your wound is infected. (Your wound is green - horrified look.)

Do you have any questions? (Ask me true things.)

Tell me what you eat each day. (Your kitchen is very pretty.)

And the easy one - Habla Englis?, to which the answer is always
“a little bit, OK, bye bye”, followed by pointing and laughing at the silly non-pregnant nurse.

2

Not sad be. Me talk pretty someday.

3

Poor beckwall. Honestly, I am laughing WITH you.

My one silly and often-committed faux pas in Spanish really only irritated me so much because every Spanish speaking busboy I said it to knew exactly what I meant, chuckled, and never bothered to correct me:

Please put the table there, is what I meant. Please put the table yesterday, is what I said.