It is really scary to tell your parents. I commend him. I’d be interested to see how he handles this, he sounds like a really great kid.
This was a situation of kids being kids and not being in the financial or emotional position to deal with the fallout. Don’t let your son ruin his future or his life but undertaking a situation that isn’t his fault. Get them to the local Planned Parenthood clinic to talk about your options. Just because you were adopted doesn’t mean she’d give him up for adoption; a large portion of people keep their babies even after they’ve planned adoptions. Do you want to raise this child?
You son doesn’t deserve to send half his paycheck for the next 18 years to this girl just because they made one, stupid 5 minute mistake. Don’t be fooled into thinking this is a “responsibility” issue either; he gets just one go-around on this green Earth to make his life what he wants it to be, and he deserves to live his life to the fullest.
Hate to be uncharitable, but are you indeed, 100% certain that she is pregnant? 17 year old girls have been known to fib about such. For attention, to test the reaction of the parties involved, to prevent a relationship from ending, all kinds of reasons.
Pregnancy test (done in your presence)? Paternity test? Yes, please.
Sending positive thoughts your way. I’m so sorry for your son and your family.
Don’t dwell on that. Could have happened just as easily on a visit. But if they think she got pregnant in June, then obviously some decision needs to be reached quite soon (or, at least, abortion should be opted for or ruled out by her before it becomes more expensive and more difficult to get). ETA Agree with lindsaybluth that a group trip to Planned Parenthood is in order – obviously not framed in a ‘We don’t trust you’ way, but in a ‘We need to explore all your options and make sure whatever you do is safe and healthy’ way. At the very least, your son and her need to go – to confirm the pregnancy and to find out what support they offer should she choose abortion, adoption or prenatal/early childhood care.
With the little information you provided (obviously from your POV), it sounds like she’s a classic case of childhood abuse victim who thinks having a kid will mean a fresh start, a little person who will finally love them unconditionally (ha).
Saving money? Supporting pregnant girlfriend who’s been abandoned by her family?
What money? The kid’s 15, he doesn’t have any money*. It’s limegreen’s money.
*small amount of savings from summer/part-time jobs aside, maybe.
Apparently he confided in our oldest daughter a month ago that she thought she was pregnant, and oldest insisted that the girl go to the doctor and confirm pregnancy as well as start prenatal care. She’s one of these size 1 girls , so health care is definitely needed.
As for raising the baby ourselves, that’s really not an option right now. I have an incurable form of lymphoma, plus a lot of immune system disorders that keep me pretty disabled. I cannot conceive of caring for an infant.
If you can’t care for the theoretical baby and the girl’s not able to, financially or emotionally, I think you know what you need to do. Get thee to a Planned Parenthood.
Again, just because you were adopted doesn’t mean you can’t consider an abortion. One of my college roommate’s sisters got pregnant, and while both she and her sister were adopted, she advocated for an abortion. Now her parents are grandparents and the girl dropped out of high school and works minimum wage jobs, and so does the father.
Your son has a promising future, don’t let him waste it all…
What, you don’t believe that actions have consequences? :rolleyes:
If the kid is half his (and I agree a paternity test is a good idea here) then YES it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to contribute to the raising of that child unless the option chosen is adoption.
Being responsible towards one’s offspring does not mean that one’s life is screwed. Seriously - what you’re proposing is that the young man in question abandon his child before it is even born!
And for all you know they two of them were using birth control properly and simply had a failure of the method which can happen to anyone. I’ve known a number of people who had kids “too early”, both women and men, and while it does make things harder that vast majority of them view those children as one of the best things in their lives.
Well, somebody has to say it.
Congratulations, you are going to be a grandparent. I wish you joy.
(And, no, it hasn’t ruined their lives; made them trickier, but it hasn’t ruined them.)
I’ll second that, there is some joy to be found in this situation if you allow it.
Also if they’re sharing responsibility why can’t she work while he goes to England during the pregnancy? They may not stay a couple through all this, but they can certainly have a baby and have personal lives and find success too.
It certainly won’t be easy, but an accidental pregnancy is not the end of the world.
I’m not sure I’m onboard with a 15 year old boy being allowed to date a 17 year old girl, but that’s water under the bridge at this point and you have enough issues so let’s just focus on the matter at hand. The immediate practical matter is that if, as you indicated, abortion is not an option for anyone, and the child will most probably come to term, you need to let your son and his girlfriend know, in no uncertain terms, that they are 100% responsible for this child care taking-wise due to your chronic health issues. I will guarantee you that a 15 year old and a 17 year are absolutely going to be expecting the surrounding authority figures (ie you) to take care of the kid so they can go to school and be teenagers. If this is not going to happen you need to drill this into their heads ASAP.
Re the adoption vs keep it issue she needs to understand that if she chooses to keep the child you are not a backstop so she can get on with her life. This concrete understanding needs to be part of her adoption decision process. I’m not an adoption maven, but I would imagine if you can contact a reliable adoption intermediary that almost all the prenatal and birth costs (which can be very substantial) will be covered by the prospective adoptive parents.
I’d never advocate for that. What I am advocating for, is that children not have children in the first place.
Correct me if I’m wrong, OP, but isn’t ‘this coming summer’ next summer, in 2011 i.e. when the baby would be about three-to-five months old? If they choose to raise it, together, it just doesn’t seem like a great idea, IMHO.
Really? Did someone hack your account and post this, then?:
mmm
I realize CS laws vary state to state, but out of curiosity what usually happens re child support when you have a father who is a minor? Does a debt start accumulating at birth and the state gives him a bill due at 18, or does the clock not start ticking until the father is 18.
Oh noes! My account was hacked into! :rolleyes: Let’s not shit on this poor woman’s thread, eh? The unsaid part of that was “stupid 5 minute mistake; they aren’t ready to have children”. Anyone with at least an 8th grade education should have been able to be gather that from my other text.
Yay. I think we’re all for that.
However, in this case that ship has sailed. Now the consequences must be dealt with - and that may well include child support.
Limegreen, I know this is tough. Hang in there.
Dopers, one thing I know about teenagers is that they are going to do what they want to do, no matter how hard we try. True, we need to make it as difficult as possible for them to make these kind of mistakes. However, telling her 15 year old that he can’t date a 17 year old is only going to make him find ways to do it behind her back. Trust me. I’ve been there.
Yes, adoption is probably the best option at this point. It sounds like she is almost past the time frame for a legal abortion, whether or not that was an option morally.
But… maybe this will be the thing that motivates her to get her life together. If she doesn’t feel compelled to do it for herself, perhaps what she needs is this child to get her in gear. It won’t be easy, but it can be done, with or without the father’s help.
I am surprised how many of you took the view that this is going to ruin the lives of everyone involved. Is a child a huge money-drain? Yep. Is it exhausting raising a baby? Yep. Will it make things exponentially more difficult? Yep. Is it the end of the world? Hell no! It is the beginning of a new adventure. Go with it!