I am heartbroken

My husband and I just found out that our fifteen-year old son has gotten his seventeen-year old girlfriend pregnant. She has a horrible home situation, her parents have abandoned her, and she’s living with a friend of the family. She lives two hours from here, so they see each other infrequently. She had no place to live in June, and we let her stay at our house for a couple of weeks. Bad move, apparently.
I have no idea what to say or do. He’s a brilliant student, and had a chance to go to England this coming summer to play soccer with a training camp in Manchester. She’s needy and desperate, and wants a family above anything else. I feel like a failure.

Holy shit. I would be heartbroken, too. Any ideas of what you’re going to do?

No. She’s headed back to her town tonight. We picked her up yesterday and brought her to visit. They dropped the bomb on us right before my husband was to take her back. She’s supposed to tell her family tonight.

I am so sorry.

Yikes! What a situation, it doesn’t make you a failure though limegreen.

Your son has no obligation to marry this girl, or even support her at this age. They’re kids, but they need to make a hard decision about this baby. If it goes to term, make sure there is a paternity test done.

It’s not necessarily the end of the world. His life just got a lot more difficult, but with support, he can still achieve his goals. My mother had me at barely 16, and graduated medical school right after I turned 12. There’s a poster on this board who got a college education and has a very good career, all of which was accomplished after his high-school girlfriend got pregnant his senior year.

I’m sorry to hear that. Is she dead set on keeping the baby, or would she consider a termination or adoption?

Try not to panic. This is a situation that happens to a lot of families and like Drain Bead said it doesn’t mean the end of the world. It’s not like he is the one who will be pregnant, so why can’t he still go to soccer training camp? You should be proud that your son is trying to be responsible about this instead of abandoning her after she turned out to be pregnant or trying to conceal the situation from the parents.

None of us would consider an abortion, but I’m really hoping she’ll consider an adoption. That’s a long shot, because of her absolute need to have something to love. And my son is a sucker for sob stories. He picks up strays – I do, too, but mine have four legs.

That’s good advice about any pregnancy, actually.
(Knowing the statistics about the number of pregnancies where the actual father is different than the guy who thinks he is the dad, I wouldn’t be offended even if my long-term boyfriend wanted a paternity test).

Paternity test is definitely a plan. I don’t trust this girl at all.

As someone who adopted a baby, I really recommend it if you can make it happen. Adoption is amazing!

I am a child of adoption, too. I told her that, but I don’t think a lot is sinking in, right now.

I’m not sure of where you live (and hence the adoption laws) but if you are in the USA maybe it would help to make sure that she is aware of the possibility of open adoption. It’s an arrangement in which the adoptive family and the birthmother agree to maintain contact in some form (depending on the adoption it can range from photos occasionally up to visits in person). A lot of people still picture adoption as being completely closed and never hearing anything about the baby again, but nowadays the trend is towards more openness and I think that is something that many birthmothers find more acceptable than the old way of doing things.

Yes, we live in the Midwest, and believe me, I will be researching options. Open adoption would be a good option, and I think it would be the best solution.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. You are not a failure.

What has your son said about the situation? Does he have any plan of action?

He hasn’t said much of anything, except I was proud of him that he brought the subject up and told us. I think they’re both too ashamed and upset to think through much of anything right now.

With adoption, in some states the adoptive parents can help the pregnant mother with living expenses and healthcare while she’s pregnant, so if her own family isn’t supportive, that’s another plus of adoption.