There’s possible, then there’s likely. It’s possible that this will be a wonderful adventure for everyone involved, but it’s far more likely that it will be a nightmare for everyone.
Raising teens in a sex-obsessed world has been the hardest job of my life. I used to have a lot of angst about age difference but by now (I’m on my fifth teenager in the house) I’ve realized that it really does depend on the kids involved.
Outside of that, if my kid is wanting to date a kid I don’t know well yet, I fall back on the 36-month rule (no more than 36 months difference in their ages). I also strongly discouraged my boys once they were over 18 from dating girls under 18.
limegreen, I think you’ve gotten plenty of good advice already so I will just say good luck with the situation. There but for the grace of god go I, I’m very sure.
This is the attitude people have in South Carolina.
Oh, you’re pregnant? And haven’t finished high school? And never held down a job? And are not in a stable relationship? And have no marketable skills? And are emotionally damaged and flaky? Yay! Babiez! Babiez are cute! Won’t this be fun!
I cannot tell you how many children I know who are suffering and damaged because of this mentality. An emotionally damaged, flaky 17 year old girl will not morph into a stable, selfless caretaker just because she gets pregnant and pushes a child out.
I have no good advice, however do you know what the statutory rape laws are in your state? The age of consent usually hovers around 16, so a 15 and 17 year old having sex could cause a whole new set of legal issues. Hopefully it won’t come up, but it is something that needs to be considered.
Open adoption is probably the best bet IMO.
It’s not the end of the world. Indeed, it is the start of a precious, beautiful and unique life. Birth, even in the worst of circumstances (which this is far from) is always beautiful. Your family is getting bigger, and if the child is to stay in your family, it’s time to get prepared to welcome it. Remember- people have babies in refugee camps, in war zones, in extreme poverty…and they love their children and their children bring joy and life that enriches this planet. Your circumstances are nowhere near dire, to many people being able to bring up children in these circumstances would be a blessing.
When my mom had me, she was a 19 year old waitress who just squeaked through high school running around with a no-account continuation school kid. I’m sure everyone on this thread would be screeching about how their lives were ruined.
Far from it. My mom loved being a younger mom and having the energy to take care of me. She eventually went to college and I was her preschool-aged study buddy- I’d listen to her recount her class material and hold her flashcards for her, knowing she’d take me to ice cream for every “A” she earned. We went through some difficult times financially, but she got on her feet and now has a great career. Since I’ve been out of the house she’s done a lot of travel and has been really just enjoying life- she may have missed out on going on when she was younger, but she more than made up for it in her forties. The best part is, by having her fun time now she has more disposable income. I think I turned out pretty well, and we have a great family. She’s said multiple times that she wouldn’t do it any differently, and she feels bad for her friends who are just now starting their families and dealing with the fertility problems and the like that happen as you age.
People have been having kids in there teens for thousands of years. There is no single best way to live your life or have your family- every single life is different, and there are a thousand routes to happiness. This is a less conventional path, and probably a harder one in our society, but it’s what you guys have got and now it’s time to make it work.
Like it or not, this child and by extension this young woman are part of your family now. Ostracizing and criticizing her will achieve nothing for anyone. Treating her with some of the love and respect she is craving might go a long ways.
Well, uh, whose responsibility is this? I agree he doesn’t deserve to have his entire life changed by one mistake, but I also think nobody deserves to have cancer or live in a war zone. Shit happens, sometimes you can’t take things back, and it’s utterly despicable to walk away from your children just because you find them inconvenient.
Per her post the OP has untreatable lymphoma and is physically compromised. “Adventures” aren’t really where her mind is right now.
I understand what you and torie are saying, but I think it would be best if the people involved didn’t start out by thinking of the beginning of this child’s life as a bad thing. (Yeah, I know: nobody’s doing that. Just saying that that kind of thinking can creep up.)
It could be worse, you could have bed bugs too 
Seriously though, you need to get a few things straight. First of all you have to come to terms that how this situation is going to play out is ultimately in the hands of this girl.
Whether she keeps it, aborts it or gives it up for adoption.
Not much you can do till you know for sure. Second 15 or not, your son (or perhaps you through him) are going to be financially responsible for this kid for the next 18 years or longer.
And you also have to face fact, what if something happens to her, your son could find himself a full time father.
The only way to look at it is, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not a great start to your son’s adult life, but it’s not like it never happened before, and it’s not like it will never happen again. (hopefully not to him :))
And make sure you get that paternity test.
Bottom line is there is nothing your son can’t do now that he couldn’t do before. It’ll just take a bit longer and it’ll be a lot more work. But it’s do-able if he wants to, others have.
This was my thought too. Getting “The Man” involved would be very messy, but it could get some sense into The Girl about adoption.
She needs to go to Planned Parenthood for some frank discussions about a life changing future. Counceling too.
Your son should know that his 5 minutes of fun does not come without a price tag, but he shouldn’t forfeit his college and future because of her neediness. It is one thing to want to save animal strays. It is completely different to try to ‘save’ human strays. That is a rant in and of itself. Get him into counseling.
I agree with many of the above posters that
A) this is not the end of the world for either of them
B) they should head to planned parenthood to get a better idea of their options, and what they should expect AND
C) what is done is done, and it is no use to anyone in the rearview
I speak as a guy who got his girlfriend pregnant when she was nineteen and I was twenty. It has complicated and delayed things of course, but it also has been an incredibly rewarding experience to see our daughter grow up, and not be too out of touch with what she is going through because we are not too seperated in age. School still can and should be completed as soon as possible, regardless of the decision to keep/ adopt. There are more resources out there than many people know about that will allow a person to continue their education and help with child care, insurance needs, food, etc, and they should be used if at all possible.
Quite frankly, it is a scary situation for all involved, and I am quite sure that the teens are ashamed, scared, and desperate for some help. The easy thing to do is condemn them, be sad for the situation they have put themselves in, and make them feel worse, but in reality, that is not going to help anyone. Talk with them, try to help them in any way possible, and try to be supportive of their decision, whatever it is.
I just think there is a HUGE difference between knocking up your girlfriend when you’re 20 and when you’re FIFTEEN. Let me repeat that: FIFTEEN. It will be three years before limegreen’s son is even thinking about graduating high school, he’s too young to legally leave school! He may not even be old enough to work legally in his state. (By Federal law he can work no more than 18 hours a week, and is not permitted to work after 7pm – state laws may be more restrictive, see here)
This new father is literally forbidden by Federal Law to work enough to support a child. Because he IS a child.
Thank you so much for all of your words of encouragement. I really needed to hear from others who have “been there, seen that, got the scars to prove it”. I guess my first reaction was overreaction because the woman who raised me lectured me endlessly about how my mother got pregnant out of wedlock and how that made her a horrible, no good waste of a human being. Got to overcome that raisin’.
Do everything in your power to prevent a marriage. The overwhelming odds are that it won’t work out and will only create bitterness, acrimony, eventual financial hardship for everyone (including you), and nothing but problems for the child. My daughter is a prime example. She’s now on her third husband. I have four kids who have had four divorces between them, and I now refuse to pay for weddings or anything to do with that sort of nonsense.
I am good friends with a lovely couple who want children so so so SO much and would make terrific parents. PLEASE encourage her more to do adoption - she can totally do an open adoption and keep up with her child. If she could see how much my friends, and lots of others like them, would love and care for her child I think she would want that for her baby. (PM me if you want more information about my friends specifically.)
limegreen, I am sorry you had to go through that with your parents – just know that there are many adoptive parents in the world who would not dream of judging birth parents that way.
Glad to hear it limegreen Self righteous clap trap. Who is to say under what circumstances your mother got pregnant?
My reaction that this will be very difficult for everyone involved has nothing to do with marital status, and everything to do with ages.
City or U?
It varies by state but for someone who is 15 to marry, it is generally required to have at least the consent of both parents, and some states add the requirement of a court order by a judge. In some states a child of 15 cannot marry, period. In all states in the U.S. the minimum age to marry without parental consent is 18 or greater.
limegreen, have you taken her to Planned Parenthood or a free or low cost clinic? I assume she doesn’t have health insurance through her parents. Again, there are options, and they aren’t just her having the child while you raise it. At the very least she needs some medical attention ASAP.
Why don’t they all just shoot themselves? it’s a pretty useless state after all.