I am trying to find a Mark Twain essay

At least I think that’s who wrote it. I don’t recall the title, but I remember some of the context.

The essay is started by acknowledging that the English language has a bunch of useless rules for spelling and grammar, and that we ought to simplify it. The author proposes ammendments to the rules one at a time, and incorporates the new rule into the rest of his essay. By the end of the essay, the thing is completely unreadable. The tone was light hearted and humorous, and clever as hell.

Does anyone recognize this?

A Simplified Alphabet, by M. Twain, might be what you want. I don’t have the essay itself; it’s referenced in my copy of The Mother Tongue, by Bill Bryson.

Tangent since the OP has been answered:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 – year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

I think I found a copy of it, and it’s not what I was looking for. The essay I’m looking for has a format very similar to what Sage Rat posted, where the essay gradually becomes more preposterous in spelling and grammar until the last few lines are almost unreadable.

That is in his collection of articles published as “Following the Equator”.

At least 3 editions of it are freely available at The Gutenberg Project: Browse By Author: T | Project Gutenberg

You know, my reaction on the first time reading that essay years ago was, “Hey! I can read that without much trouble at all! I’m not sure he’s making the point he wants to make.”
RR

Well done,** Sage Rat.**

Whenever I head someone say that “If it wasn’t (sic) for us(sic) Americans the French would be speaking German,” I enjoy pointing out that if it weren’t for the French we’d be speaking English.

What’s French for “Mission Accomplished”?

RiverRunner: That’s just about what I think, too. Tho simplified spelling has been tried, it is never thorough enuf nor has it ever been used consistently thruought the English-speaking world. Taking some of the existing proposals to their logical conclusions merely results in odd-looking words that must be sounded out. The fact grammar remains constant is a big aid in understanding.

Whenever someone mentions Twain on language, I like to drag out his rant “The Awful German Language”, both because it is a wonderful poison-pen essay and because it is (as I understand it) unfair to German as she is spoke now. (I suffered through German in high school and a lifetime of German-speaking relatives. This is revenge.)

The German piece is one of my all-time favorites of his, and here is another.
RR

Is this what you’re after?

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter “c” would be dropped to be replased either by “k” or “s”, and likewise “x” would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which “c” would be retained would be the “ch” formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform “w” spelling, so that “which” and “one” would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish “y” replasing it with “i” and Iear 4 might fiks the “g-j” anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez “c”, “y” and “x” – bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez – tu riplais “ch”, “sh”, and “th” rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

Mark Twain 1899
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling