Let me just bitch about the self-checkout. Some of these are fine. The ones that aren’t were apparently designed by a million monkeys with a million hammers whose best concept was to fling poo at an LED. Look asshole machine, if you’re going to use weight sensitive plates to figure out whether or not I’m stealing produce, at least program them so my 1 lb bag of pasta registers when I bag it. I’m so sick of scanning something (when the scanner decides to work), putting it in a bag, and then having your stupid robot poo-flinging voice tell me “Item removed from bagging area. Lockdown initiated. Please wait for employee with security clearance beta-zed-eleventy to make sure you’re not stuffing things in your pants.”
It’s always a crapshoot with these things. It could save me tons of time, or it could make me look like I’m exactly as competent as the person next to me who thinks that the proper way to scan his item is to rub some poo on it. Hello, sir? Did you build this machine? I’ve started getting back at the bad ones that waste my damn time by ringing up tomatoes on the vine as romas. Oh, is that the wrong number? Sorry, I don’t know how to read. My bad.
A-MEN. I gave up on the moronic self-checkouts almost immediately. The scanners are ungodly slow and whole “scan and put-in-bag-to-check-weight” paradigm is incredibly annoying. The machines are chattier than the organic scantrons and easier to confuse by far, necessiting a wait for the hapless shitstick™ checker to deal with the other seven machines before getting back to yours. I’m waiting for the day when I can just wheel the cart out the door where the RFID scanners tote up my bill and debit the account associated to my RFID implanted mark of the beast.
Because 16 year old kids do things that 16 year old kids do like call in sick to work on a Sunday for a crappy part time job. They’re either hung over or wanting to watch the game themselves!
I can’t stop laughing at this. It’s just so* mean*. I love it.
I hate to grocery shop. I am on a nodding aquaitance with most of the workers there. They don’t bother me. What I HATE is the folks who give out the free samples of toaster oven shit. I want to shop, so that I can cook and eat–AT HOME. I do not want to snack and shop. I am capable of resisting food for whole minutes at a time.
GET OUT OF MY FACE AND STOP SHOVING LIL BITS OF FOODSTUFFS AT ME
I also sort my groceries on the belt. I want all my frozen together–see, that way the popsicles don’t melt in this heat wave. And the meat stays cold. Yes, I DO want you to put all my stuff into this reusable Ikea bag. Doing a small thing for the environment, dontchaknow. (all the baggers look at like it’s poisonous).
I also hate the TVs at the checkouts now–we drown in A/V stimulus now. Muzak was bad enough, but now we have Muzak AND the convo from the TVs as well as Pete the Produce guy jabbering away about his unnatural affinity for eggplant, AND the “calming nature sounds” CDs on sale now for $7.99!, as well as price checks and the self serve lane computer whore: “item removed from bagging area. Please wait for cashier.”
Gah.
Why is it that when I go through the self checkout, I can pick, scan, and bag every single item in my basket without a bit of trouble, pay by card and be out in 30 seconds every time? I see people that have the same trouble that you are having, but it NEVER happens to me?
My beef is with those who think this is a fun way to entertain their six year old. I’d rather have a clueless newbie in front of me who gets pissed off when they get an error message because they are resting their knee on the scale than a kid in a Hanna Montana t-shirt giggling every time they cause the clerk to come over and fix their fuckups.
I’ve mentioned this before with regard to self-checkouts: I don’t drive, and for convenience (and to do my bit for the environment) I bring a large canvas bag with me when I go grocery shopping. When I try to use the self-checkout, I would like to be able to load my groceries directly into the bag I brought. However, very often when I place the bag on the loading area I am immediately told to “please remove the item and scan it again before placing it into the bag”. I haven’t put anything into the bag yet, you stupid machine! I understand that the weight of the bag might be confusing you, but can’t there be some way to allow for people using their own bags? Sometimes I will spend several minutes trying to position the bag just right before I can begin to scan my purchases. The attendants are of absolutely no help, as there is apparently no way to override the weight sensor.
As for my gripe, every time I notice someone trying to ‘race’ me for the ‘shortest’ checkout line, I feel the urge to break into a full-out balls to the wall sprint. As soon as they start walking all fast, edging me off, looking at me out the corner of their eyes, then angling toward the short line, I just want to elbow them hard and watch them express shock. And when they do, I can say, “Come on. You knew this was a race.”
Since reading the OP I have been laughing hysterically throughout this thread! These rants have all been done before many times but never so hilariously. Maybe it’s the newness of “assbitch” that has struck my funnybone, not sure.
From this day forward, any time I hear someone say “suppo-SUB-ley” I will think to myself: Miracle Whip Eater.
Just yesterday I was in line at the checkout behind a person who was buying 1) three pounds of hamburger, 2) a pound of American cheese, and 3) a quart of Miracle Whip.
I don’t want to know what the outcome of that recipe would be.
The grocery store I frequent has just started something new. When you come in, you scan you member card and then take a scanner doohickey (yes, that’s its name) from a rack, plus a bunch of plastic bags. The idea is, you roam around the store picking out what you want, scan its barcode, then drop it into one of the bags in your cart. (I have no idea what you do with unbarcoded stuff.)
Then, when you’re done, you go to a special checkout lane, mate the scanner doohickey to the whatchamacallit (yes, that’s its name) and it downloads the data, your scan your debit card, and it prints out your receipt. No need to unload your stuff from the cart for the usual scan/bag routine.
Which sounds nice in an ideal world but aren’t they just asking to be ripped off? Whoops, I forgot to scan that can, hmmm, maybe I’ll scan this one pound package of cheap burger but bag that 5 pound sirloin. And so forth.
Yeah, there was something about ‘your use of this systes gives us permission to audit your cartload’ – but, whoa! Are they really expecting their clerks to go up to people and say, “Not that I think you’re a thief, but I want to put you through this incredibly humiliating procedure to make sure you aren’t?”
What the hell is it with the desperate need to smoke RIGHT in front of the door? You can’t wait the 15 seconds it will take to get to your car?
Or, if you’re on the way in…
You couldn’t smoke in your car on the way to the store or in your car in the lot BEFORE you get to the door? You’re so obsessively addicted that you simply must have that fix the very nano-second you come out of the store, or get that last hit to get you through a marathon half an hour of picking up milk, bread and cheese?
Oh lord, I’d pay good money to see that! Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had for way too long. (*had a couple of terrible weeks lately…and that helped!)
My rant is about the idjits who insist on packing my groceries - which fit in my handbasket, 'cause carts are for dipsticks (especially if you have to navigate H-E-B at rush hour) - into about 45 separate, earth-raping plastic bags. I’m walking to my car, and I don’t want to have the circulation cut off in my fingers en route.
The self-checkout machines are shit, you think that they are going to save you time… but the Luddite forced to cope with life in the 21st century will invariably get in front of you and puzzle over his four item order for thirty minutes. And your machine will accuse you of stealing Triscuits, so the wageslave assistant manager “Cuntybollocks” (who is avoiding eye contact because he knows you saw him see you ten minutes ago, and he’s just managed to get to your checkout now) will key in the number “0” sixteen times and allow you to leave… ten minutes after the tools in the longest line escape.
The latest thing at our grocery store that pisses me off is that they have decided that due to theft they are now locking up all the cigarettes in a large case at the front of the store.
If you want to buy a pack you have to wait until you are checking out and then tell the cashier which smokes you want. You can tell by the blank stare they give you when you tell them what brand you want that they do not smoke, which I think is a good thing, but this makes you repeat your request at least three times.
The cashier then has to leave and walk up to the front, find the key, grab your pack and return to ring it up. You have a 50/50 shot that they got the right one, if not then the process starts over and God forbid that you asked for two seperate brands, lengths, box or soft pack.
I feel bad if there is anyone behind me, which is more likely than not. I am held up, they are held up and the poor cashier is flustered trying to remember what brand you asked for.
I would also like pit my local store for allowing people to pan handle at the doors. I went in a couple weeks ago and there were several people hanging outside the door. They all had bags so I assume they were waiting on some type of an assistance van to pick them up. One of the people asked me for money. I was at first shocked and then I got pissed. What the fuck dude? You must have had money as you have three bags of groceries resting at your feet and now you are trying to ask me for some.
I told the manager but when I left they were still there and I heard him asking another person entering the store for some money.
Oh and Miracle Whip sucks. It is in no way, shape or form a miracle. It should be renamed Death Whip because I am convinced that is what death would taste like.
I’d like to add that they no longer stock items that I bought every time I went. I get that freezer space is at a premium, but it’s a GOYA product! The Jersey Shore is like a Hispanic Mecca! You carry what could best be described as a metric hogshead of freakin Tamarind-based products, including: juice, dried candy, powdered, and soda, in addition to the frozen pulp, WHICH NO MEXICAN IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WILL BUY! That’s why you’re stuck with it in its many varied forms! But, for the love of Pete, get in some other flavors of frozen pulp.
Now, from the other side, as I spent YEARS working in most areas of the local Foodtown:
Dear festering poon-drool who comes down from “Booklin” every summah: STOP PUTTING YOUR CHANGE ON THE MOVING BELT. Everybody else treats me like a human or puts it on the little shelf. You, on the other hand, have not only the brass nipples to put it on a moving belt, but then act surprised when it goes down into the netherworld that is accessible only by the tray in the bottom of the machine. You saw everyone else doing it. Why would you think the laws of physics and my own perverse sense of righeousness would stop only for you?
To the assbitch fratboys that come in and buy up the stock of Jello: hah. hah. I get it. You’re doing Jello shots. When I tell you to come to me a week in advance so I can special order the Jello for you, I’m actually trying to help us both out. You’ll get your discount, and I don’t have to answer why the computer ordered WAY too much Jello. Don’t look at me with your “I’m a playah” backwards cap, goatee, and vacant pot-induced stare. Oh, and just as an FYI, from one pudgy guy to another: Abercrombie and Fitch are not your friends.
To the woman looking to save a few bucks by eating her deli meats one sample at a time: you horrid shriveled up old cunt. We all know you’re coming in because you’re trying to save a few bucks by just eating everything one slice at a time, but try to limit your actions down to 5 days. On Sat and Sun, we’re swamped, and feeding you the samples takes an hour out of someone’s time. You’re not getting over on us. We pity you, but that’s about to stop when we determined that for your one-slice-is-all buffet, it’s costing us almost 20 dollars, including labor.
To the dumbassed “Courtesy Counter” girls. We know it’s a friends-only club. At least do your fucking work while you’re in there. You get paid, on average, $2 more an hour to be in there. The very least you can do is stop the jibber jabber and help out either the cashiers or the customers.
And, finally, a word to all of you. The store brand pies are almost invariably Mrs. Smith’s. Even the merengue. Also, the sheetcakes are Pillsbury, as they’re the only ones that distribute them anymore. If you’re favoring one store over another, it’s the same damn cake. Go on price and penmanship.
Dude, don’t you know that only Mr. T can stop the jibber jabber?
ETA: BTW Google ads, how does any of this thread, including Mr. T, assume that we want Big Lebowski t-shirts? I mean, I’m not saying I don’t want them, but wtf? Wait, it KNEW I wanted them… get out of my HEAD Google ads!!
When I go shopping, I leave my kids at home with my wife. I understand that not everyone is lucky enough to have a spouse at home to watch the kids while they shop, and I sympathize with single moms/dads who have to bring their kids to the store.
WHAT THE FUCK is with these families that all shop together. Mom, dad, two or three kids, all at the fucking store together???!!!one~!@~ Here’s a fucking concept for you- one of you stay at home with the kids. A lot of times they have two carts and take up the whole aisle while they stand there and talk about the ingredients in the generic Miracle Whip, while the kids run wild. I swear that the kids at the store with both parents are worse than the ones there with a single parent. You’re both at the store with your fucking kids, and neither one of you will tell them to sit down and shut up! It’s never one parent shopping and one watching the kids, no, it’s both parents shopping and nobody watching the kids.
Well, it would be nice if we all played along. I did my part in separating everything into batches, now you do yours. And no, frozen doesn’t belong with cereal boxes that will get soggy.
I’m just happy I’ve switched to Crystal Light mix. Before, when I bought tens of bottled sparkly waters at a time, I had to put up with “Gee, someone’s thirsty!”, “Wow, that’s a lot of water” and “Do you want your waters in a bag?” To the last, yes, it would be nice if you could bag the six-packs of water, two in a bag. **You were the ones who had a whole display showing how your bags are strong enough to carry four liters, now frigging use them that way!! ** I don’t need each box of pasta in its own bag.
He’s probably cheaper than the store buying whole new carts every few months.