First of all you lazy fuckers, can’t you be fucked to put your cart back in the cart corral instead of leaving it to roam the parking denting with abandon? Goddammit you selfish, lazy motherfuckers.
If you see someone you know in the store, by all means stop side-by-side and block the entire aisle. Then roll your eyes when I have the gall to say, “excuse me” as I try to pass. I hope your bananas contain tarantulas!
Eat a bowl of shit to you too, you assbitches(!) who insist on indulging your princess-costume-wearing snot-nose by using the cart shaped like a fucking butterfly which is like the size of a Buick and maneuvering it down the aisle, bumping shit off the shelves, blocking the way for anyone else. I’m sure they’ll look back upon those moments when they’re older fondly and know that you’ve humiliated yourself and inconvenienced hundreds so they could pretend to steer a giant-ass plastic piece of shit.
Why would the management have only 4 or 5 checkout lanes open on a weekend morning before the Bears game? And no matter how many lanes you have open, have the same number of goddamn baggers as there are checkers for shit’s sake.
And if you happen to be in line where there is no bagger, instead of standing there with your thumb up your ass you fucking window-licker, help the poor checker out a bit by starting to bag your own goddamn Miracle-Whip or whatever shit you knuckledraggers eat.
Just a little non-serious grocery-related bitchfest. And I am not apologizing for the Miracle Whip slight. If you eat it, you are probably the same sort of person who says, “suppoSUBly”.
I’m with you here Mooch. I hate the fuckin’ grocery store with an unequaled passion. The moment I pull into the parking lot the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I imagine the gladiators of the Roman colosseum would know the feeling. What is with all the fucktards that feel like they need to aimlessly meander around or stop to read the damn labels with their thumbs up their asses? Why do these ass munchers leave their cart on one side of the aisle and then stand on the other side staring blankly at the shelves? My philosophy is that if you have to bring the wheels on the shopping cart to a full stop to get an item, then you really didn’t need that item in the first place. I prefer to do my shopping at a brisk pace while sweeping my selections off the shelves and into my cart with practiced precision. Woe unto the hapless shitstick that gets in my way!
And quit deciding that every few months you have ‘revitalize’ the damn place. Just when I figure out where everything is, you fucking move it.
Tell the knuckledragger working in produce to leave me the holy fuck alone, I know how to pick my own goddamn tomatoes.
Next time one of you lowly fuckrats give me the evil eye for checking expiration dates on milk, because the freshest stuff is hidden in back, so I move some out of the way to get at it - I’m going to gouge your eyes out with a cheese stick.
Stores: put more than one cart corral in the parking lot, and don’t have all the cart corrals in one area of the lot. That will make this kind of thing much less of a problem. I’m talking to YOU, Whole Foods near my old apartment…
I’d like to know why the cashier and/or bagger doesn’t automatically put my water in a bag. Yes, yes I realize it has its own special, built in handle, and if it was the only thing I was purchasing I would indeed utilize said handle and have no need of a bag. But those eight other bags of groceries I bought are going to be schlepped up the same stairs as the water, so why in the hell do they even need to ask? Same with the jug of laundry detergent and the 5lb bag of cat litter. What, do they think I want to carry my groceries into the house one item at a time?
Don’t even imagine you’re going to bitch at me for moving your buggy you left blocking the aisle while you wandered around reading labels.
That clearly enunciated “Fuck off.” you heard while I was looking you in the eyes was my normal speaking voice. I do not mumble or stutter. Do not pretend you didn’t hear me or that I wasn’t talking to you.
Yes, I would like to see the vein in your forehead explode.
When there’s a cart in the middle of the lane with items in it, I consider it a display rack and everything in it fair game for me to pick through. Find your own guacamole, bitch!
And I’m going to have to adopt this line, courtesy of UncleRojelio:
Woe unto the hapless shitstick that gets in my way!
My wife thinks I’m weird because I’ll get up at 6AM and go to the grocery store. From now on I will tell her that I’m doing it to avoid the assbitches(!)
(I just added “assbitches” to my Firefox spell-checking dictionary.)
I was all set to berate you for this, and bitch at those who just stand there blankly when there is no bagger, as if bagging their own groceries would be beneath them, and then…
No fair! I am now in full agreement.
And much as I love my grocery store, which has been open now for 10 weeks, each of the 10 times I have gone there the Diet MOuntain Dew has been totally out, and the other Pepsi products have been spilling into the aisles. Maybe Diet Dew deserves a little more space than some of the other products, you think???
Most large stores over here require you to put a £1 coin into the trolley before you can use it. Don’t you have those over there? It makes these things a lot less common.
It’s surprising how the loss of a single pound can make people think twice before being assholes.