I’m in Las Vegas for a family party (and I would have loved to have gotten together with some Vegas Dopers, but the schedule of events leaves no spare minute.)
Since the Preakness was being run today, my sister, a former Kentucky resident, was instructing family member on the way to a casino on how to place bets on horse races. At the last minute, someone asked me if I wanted to place a bet. I have an extremely scientific method of picking horses: Any horse with a name that has “cat” in it (kittehs!!!), or that I think is cute or whose jockey’s silks are in colors I like. So, because I think gray horses are cute, I told her to put my money on Macho Again across the board.
My bet netted me $21.68! That’s like a 350% return! Yeah, baby! I’m a high roller now and I’m moving up to the nickel slots.
woo-hoo! lunch money!
watch out for those nickel slots. one guy in atlantic city recently won 4 million on a nickel machine. dollars… not nickels.
[breaking the fourth wall]
It’s at this time I’d like to point out to the audience at home, that one. (1) Uno. Single. guy won 4 million (dollars) on a nickel machine.
[unbreaking the fourth wall]
Reminds me of some Keno game where they advertise that you could win obscene amounts of money…
…nobody in the history of Las Vegas has ever hit it. 
The last time I was in vegas I won $30 big ones. We were leaving the casino out of a side door to the parking garage to head home and as we start to head down the hall there were a few nickel slots and so I popped in a nickel as I was walking by and The Lord Thy God said, " You know I think I’ll throw this sorry sack of shit some lovin today or else he might off himself before he fulfills my Glorious Plan of having him bring me some hot chocolate in the morning.", and the machine started making all this noise and then billions and billions of nickels came flying out of the machine killing at least two old ladies who were walking by*. So I gather up my bounty and take it to the lady behind bars to get my money. And that is how I won the most money I ever have at any kind of gambling.
- actually a ticket came out instead of coins and the two old ladies did not die but I’m sure at least one of them farted.