That’s right. You heard me correctly. I blame the groundhog. Here it is, nearly the middle of March, and it’s still freaking cold and snowy. And, it’s all that damn groundhog’s fault! All he had to do was say “Two more weeks”, instead of “Six more weeks”. What’s so hard about that?
Oh, sure, I know. He was grumpy from being poked in the ass with a stick and having enough lights blazing in his face to fry an egg, but still…it would have been so easy! Just one little word, and we could be digging out the spring clothes. Instead, we’re still digging out our cars. And, I’m sick of it!
Now, it’s not that I don’t sympathize with the groundhog. After all, I’d be pretty annoyed, too. If I’d tucked myself away in a nice warm hole with a six months supply of grass, only to have some goober in a top hat and tails come along and poke me in the ass with a stick and ask if I could make winter end…well…let’s just say they’re probably smart to stick with a smaller critter. And, what’s with those lights? Do we really need the biggest bank of lights this side of Hollywood blazing away when we harass groundhogs? Is that any way to approach a sleepy woodchuck for a favor? Come on people. No one likes bright lights shined in their face, especially when they’ve just been rudely awakened and dragged out of bed. Let’s use some common sense, here.
And, whose idea was it to put a groundhog in charge of the weather, anyway? I know there isn’t much to do in Pennsylvania in February, once you get a few miles outside Philly or Pittsburgh, but who was the nitwit that first said, “Hey! Let’s go poke a sleeping groundhog in the ass with a stick, and ask him to bring Spring around a little early, this year?” I mean, why leave it up to one of the few animals dumber than a TV weatherman? What kind of a bonehead idea is that? It’s a fat, grass addicted rodent that hibernates all winter, and we allow him to control the weather?!? What were we thinking? What the heck does he care what the weather’s like? He’s going back to bed for six weeks, no matter what.
And, why this particular groundhog? Has anyone run a background check on this critter? There’s something very suspicious about him. Who is this character, and how did he get such a powerful position? We don’t even know his real name! What about those aliases he’s been known to use; Wood, Chuck, and Punxatawney, Phil? I’m not a big fan of conspiracy theories, but I smell connections, here. It’s not like he has any real qualifications for the job. And, there’s that nasty rumor that keeps surfacing that he’s been known to chuck wood at people. Is this the kind of behavior we expect from a rodent in a position of authority? I don’t think so!
Anyway, I’ve had it with this vindictive little bugger. Let him take it out on the nimrod with the stick, if he’s ticked off. It works for us bears. You don’t catch Goober and Gomer pokin’ us in the ass with a stick while we’re sleeping. It’s just not right that we all have to suffer because of a peevish groundhog. Who’s in charge of these things, anyhow? :yawn: Something’s gotta be done! :yawn: I’m tired, now. I’m going to bed. Someone wake me up in late April, and we’ll deal with this oversized gopher in the Spring.
Vindictive little rat…
Right, Kn*ckers?