I bought lard

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Listen up, everyone! I need help!

My wife picked the kids up at their swimming lessons this evening, and is taking them out to dinner.

If I was a normal person, I’d be ordering in pizza and sitting in front of the teevee. But on nights like this, I usually cook something for myself and have a quiet dinner, listening to music. A grilled steak and some fried potatoes (Chopin). Red beans and rice (Beau Jocque). Something my wife won’t eat. (My wife is Healthy. I overheard her saying to someone the other day “I don’t have any use for red meat any more.”)

So tonight I decided to fry a chicken, and make some butter beans with onions and red pepper. I was in the store picking up the chicken, and my eye lit upon a package of…lard.

The ordinary sauteing media in our house (the word “frying” is verboten) are olive oil and canola oil.

I’d heard of lard before. I’d always fried chicken (to my wife’s dismay) in shortening. But I’d read of people using lard to fry chicken, and beans, and other foodstuffs. It always seemed like it had happened on some other planet. I reached up and grabbed a box.

The chicken is cooked, in lard, and is now draining on brown paper bags. And I have the best part of a box of lard in the fridge.

Now I need the help of the Teeming Millions.

From the Southerners: Arguments that Lard is Good Food. Testimonials for lard. Poetry based on lard.

From the Yankees: Places to hide the lard. Light fixtures? A pit dug in the back garden? The back of the vegetable drawer?

From the Europeans and Californians and whatnot: Plausible excuses for buying the lard. “Honey, I thought you’d like to try making pie crust from it!” “I’ve heard it’s the best thing for greasing bicycles!”

Please help. The lard is now on the dairy shelf of the refrigerator, the side reading “Manteca” (most lard consumed in NYC is eaten by Hispanics) facing out. But she’s sure to notice it at some point.

2

“Lard, lard,
The musical fruit …”

3

“It’s an emergency provision honey. If the power goes out and we start to freeze we coat ourselves in lard and wrap Saran wrap around our bodies. It will keep us warm. If we start to starve, we can unwrap and lick it off. We will survive through LARD. Lard will save us. Aren’t you glad we have LARD?”

BTW. How was the chicken?

4

Well, I’m a yank, so I’ll help with the hiding and whatnot.

First, spread some of the lard on your front walk, hallway, whatever, and the doornob of your front door. This’ll keep your wife and kids from getting into the house before you’ve hidden the rest.

Next, burying it might be a nice option, but it’ll be messy. So, instead, if any neighbors have dogs, cats, etc., give it to them. And the spread the last bit of the lard on your door handle to keep em at bay when they come to ask about how their dog got an entire half box of lard, and yell about who’s responsible for the vet bills.

5

How come you included Californians with Europeans? We’re virtually a world apart!

6

My grandmother and my mother cooked with lard. My father, my sister, and I are all perfect. I attribute our perfection to copious doses of lard. We are all good-looking people and that too is because of lard. We used lard to fry chicken and to make cakes and pie crusts and I don’t know what all.

My paternal grandmother died at eight-eight and my mother died at eighty-five. My father is ninety years old and shows signs of being immortal. I am sixty and my sister is, well, a few years older than that. We owe it all to lard.

How’s that for a ringing endorsement?

7

Pick up these two books:

White Trash Cooking and White Trash Cooking II : Recipes for Gatherin’s, both by Ernest Matthew Mickler.

I remember these from the cooking section of the store (ex-B&N employee). Both contain many recipies using copious amounts of lard. {As a bonus, IIRC, there were some roadkill recipies too. Check the amazon site just for the cover of the 1st book. It’s a hoot.}

8

Oh, cripes, Ike, that stuff is nasty. I’m a Yankee now living Dixie, and I see lard everywhere, in the plain english wrapper. I have tried chicken fried in lard once, and I must admit, it was tasty. And dem hushpuppies is mighty tasty eatin’, too. But that lard stuff is a heart attack in a wax-paper wrapper.

(Mrs Wolf would kill me too if I ever used oil for frying. The operative word is bake or BBQ)

One excuse you might use is also the same reason why we have lard - to make suet for the birds, but that might not, uh, fly too well if you’re in, say, Manhattan.

Let’s see. Lard - it’s good for: greasing the kids’ bicycle chains? Stopping squeaky door hinges? Waxing your skis? No, that’s no good. Maybe you should keep it with your tools or something, or just find yourself a tofu wrapper to disguise it.

9

Excuse:
Honey, I am going on a diet and wanted to see what fat looked like. This is a motivational thingy.
Now, Ukulele Ike, go watch your arteries harden.

10

Well, I guess you’re not a hard-core pastry person, so keeping it is out of the question.

I find that olive oil doesn’t get hot enough to saute with. Canola is better, and the fat grams are all the same.

But I’ll bet that’s some of the best fried chicken you’ve ever made. Are you going to tell her before or after she eats it?

11

You might try this link for advice:
http://www.man.ac.uk/muhc/lard/lard.html

12

I can’t say it any better than LouisB. You are so right my man! By the way, the same goes for smoking. Cigarette smoke contains nine essential vitamins and minerals. Plus, all the cool kids are doing it.

I’m a Californian and my Mexican Grandma used it in everything. Lard is like…well, it’s what you would eat with the nectar of the gods. Kinda like the slippery, mooshy stuff of the gods. Lard is not only a wonderful foodstuff, it has many other uses, some of which have been mentioned here already, although every good Mexican knows that the most important use of lard is for shaping your “do”. Nothing can hold a nice pompadour like lard can.

Other uses for lard:

1)As a replacement for Powerbait™ (use food coloring to get the desired color.)

2)Axle grease.

3)Leather balm and waterproofer.

4)Sexual lubricant.

5)Body lotion.

6)Surf/Snowboard/ski wax.

7)Melt and pour into candle molds.

8)That’s all I can think of for now, but the list is endless.

13

Hmm, I just saw that Dire Wolf already mentioned waxing skis, and then I realized I said waxing a surfboard. Now that wouldn’t make any sense, would it? Maybe that’s why I never made it into any surf competitions. Damn!

14

Great link, Mirth
Your body will need a good costing of lard to help it retain body heat on that swim across the English Channel (they use something like lard, grease of some kind). Fill the bath tub, strategically position ducks, don swimming goggles and trunks and tell her you’re practicing dodging oil tankers.

“Excuse me, Is this the way to Calais ?”

15

Why, of course lard is a good thing! The Bible says so!

Hallelujah! Praise the LARD!

… What? Oh. Well, never mind then.

16

Good for you, Ike. A little lard ain’t gonna kill you. A LOT of lard will, but a little won’t. Some time ago there was a message on here somewhere about the dangers of eating his/her grandmother’s lard based pie crust on Thanksgiving. Probably the best pie he/she ever ate, and one piece once a year isn’t the direct route to the ICU.

One of the reasons I’ve just about given up on red meat is that it is so lean its like eating cardboard. A good piece of USDA prime (well marbled) a couple of times a year would be nice.

A little common sense goes a long way. Hope the chicken was as good as I think it was.

17

Ukulele Ike, I have a recipe for pasties in which the pastie crust uses lard. Tastes great! I’ll write out the crust here, if you want the filling recipe give me a holler. It uses RED MEAT!!! Ummmmm.

4 cups unsifted flour
2 teaspoons salt
1 1/2 cups LARD, chilled, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
10-12 tablespoons icewater

in a large bowl combine the flour, salt and the lard. Working quickly rub the flout and fat together with your fingertips until it looks like flakes of coarse meal. Pour in 10 tablespoons more water, a teaspoonful at a time, until the particles adhere. Divide the dough into 6 equal balls, dust them with flour and wrap in wax paper. Chill for at least one hour.

The above balls of dough are then rolled out and filled with a meat and veggie combo, the pastry is crimped over it into a pointy football shape, and then baked. You can freeze them unbaked, and thaw and bake when needed, bringing them out one at a time.

Baking these pasties is about the only time I use lard, although every once in a while I use it in pie crust. No matter what it does to one’s heart, it still make the tastiest crust for ANY kind of pie pastry.

If you need lard recipes I’ll bet a search of any decent recipe site would turn a lot up.

18

The chicken was DELICIOUS.

I’m throwin’ the Crisco out tomorrow. I’ll insert the LARD into the Crisco container, and no one will be the wiser.

screech-owl: I’ve got both cookbooks already. In the kitchen, I have no pride whatsoever.

LouisB: Your family saga is an inspiration to me.

Demo: You got a Mexican grandmother? No wonder you’re so good-lookin’.

Thanks to everyone else, and keep the suggestions coming.

19

what I think of when I hear the word pasties:

past·ies (pstz) pl.n.

A pair of adhesive patches used to conceal a woman’s nipples and worn principally by exotic dancers or striptease performers.

What (I think) Baker was thinking of:

pas·ty2 (pst)
n., pl. pas·ties. Chiefly British

A pie or turnover, especially one filled with seasoned meat or fish.

(Aww, and here I thought it was just a really funny typo.)

20

Most excellent! Praise the LARD!!